What's a girl to do when her mom says 1 thing, Patti says another, & her mind is all over the show?
My mother says it's unbecoming to talk about wanting to get married. It's the man's job, leave it to him. He will decide when he is ready.
My father says children are overrated. "That was harsh," he backtracks, but too late - my already unsteady and wavering mind is flickering with signs of my future child feeling the same way he just made me feel. The fear and the anxiety is too much - how could I ever want to do that to someone? After all, I am his daughter.
Is it any wonder that I am so insecure on these subjects? How can a single woman live, and be happy in a relationship with so many restrictions put on her? If I'm supposed to have been engaged within the first year, but my boyfriend has decided that he is not ready, that our life decisions have made it impossible to do so, and that even though I clearly feel/felt/sometimes feel strongly about the subject, but am not allowed to speak about it - what am I to do? Three years is a long time to think about things...I mean, isn't he scared he's going to lose me in the meantime?
Rather than my mother pointing out that it's "unbecoming" of me to talk about wanting to get married, shouldn't we be talking about how lucky he is that he has a wonderful woman who wants to marry him? Shouldn't we be talking about how patient I've been?
I don't want to be "unbecoming" or "tacky." I don't want to regret having children. But I do want to get married, I think...
Most of the time I do...
Then other times I thank God I am not. I thank God that I have an escape route, and am not tied down to someone. If we fall out of love, he or I can leave without any messy paperwork or divvying up of assets. Ha! That's a good one. Assets.
But honestly, perhaps we're not married yet because of me. I'm not exactly one who says one thing and always means it. I mean, when I am saying something, I always mean it. But half the time, I change my mind about it, or say something that completely contradicts said "thing."
Who can blame me? With a mother who's been married four times, yet speaks of her daughter bringing up the subject matter of marriage at a party in front of, gasp, God forbid, other people, as "unbecoming" and "tacky," what am I supposed to think about marriage?
And my uncertainty about marriage - although it clearly stems from my father - isn't something that has been easy on boyfriend either. He definitely wants children. I'm not so sure. Although, when boyfriend and I are doing well in our relationship, children doesn't seem so bad after all.
So, what would happen if everything in our relationship was perfect, and I decided to pop the question to him?
Would my mother's head explode? Would boyfriend's masculinity be put in jeopardy so badly that he would never be able to live it down?
But, would I really want it? In the end, I want a man who can step up to the plate and know what he has in front of him. In the end, if I am to have kids, I don't want to doubt it one moment and be sure of it the next - I want to know always. In the end, I don't want to feel embarrassed for not being engaged after three years, and making my mother feel that I am letting her down.
In the end, I want passion, love and commitment.