7 Rules For Sending Lewd Pics, Lessons For Anthony Weiner

anthony weiner
Sex

AKA Where Weiner went wrong.

As we're all fairly aware, a man with a hilariously ironic name was caught in a bit of a situation in which groin and chest photographs were Tweeted to various women, some of whom he clearly did not know. And before that a football hero allegendly* sent pics of his tony weiner to a woman who did not appreciate the gesture. Here's where Anthony Weiner (and Brett Favre) went wrong and how you can send photographs of your swimsuit zones without fear of recrimination (and only some humiliation). This is what the grownups call sexting.

1) Be sexy. For guys, tumescence is of the essence. The so-called Brett Favre picture featured a flaccid wang book-ended by Crocs. I'm not sure of a more clear way to tell a woman that you're completely uninterested in her sexually than the combination of tacky sandal thingies and soft dinghies. For the ladies, maintain your best level of grooming, don't get too close and show some body.
2) Measure twice, cut once. Be absolutely sure that you're sending your whatever to the right person — and not blasting it onto Twitter like Weiner. Your mom might have a great sense of humor about these things, but there will be many questions in the vein of "what kind of person are you?"
3) Don't send dick pics (or snatch snaps) to people who absolutely don't want them. I'm not an "expert" on "the law," but it sounds as illegal as it is a bad idea to marry a guy named Peterson**.
4) Don't show your face. Plausible deniability goes a very long way. Just because a sexy photograph came from your account or phone, it doesn't rule out that it came from Google Images, was a goof or was produced with some sort of genitalia-uglying PhotoShop program.
5) Say "no" to quid pro quo. Sometimes life isn't fair, just because someone sends you a photo of their "stuff" doesn't mean you have to reciprocate OR use your real photo (see previous point). Extra hilarity points if you return the pic of a different ethnicity, gender or species than of you yourself.
6) Examine your goals. Are you seeking to enflame passion in a future sex partner? This mayn't do the trick and they'll probably show it to friends. Are you looking to entice a current or former sex partner? They may have a limited memory of your abilities if this is necessary and they'll probably show it to friends... Are you trying to "freak out the normals"? If so, the normals should probably take your phone away.
7) This will get out. Crotch shots are a gateway drug. One of these days, you'll become too-too emboldened and that's when you slip up. Or some scandal-ass [sic] ex will seek revenge through publishing your baby-making/feeding parts. Please keep this in mind before you click and send.

 

So that's it. More or less, only send junk pictures to people who really want them and be wary of people who really want them. Feel free to send in your own junk-emailing triumphs, tips (heh) and horror stories.

*Note: I give all "legends" the benefit of the doubt untill proven horribly guilty of anything.
**Note: While Scott Peterson is doing a life sentence for killing his wife, Drew Peterson has not been convicted in the disappearances of his third or fourth wives.

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