Is It Okay To Hook Up Without Wanting More?


Can it really be only physical? Jess Massa of gives us the scoop!

Dear Jess,

There’s this boy who I studied abroad with. We hooked up sometimes and often ended up together at the end of the night. The following summer, we continued hanging out with our mutual friends and hooking up. We tended to become very flirtatious at night – especially when alcohol came into play.

The problem was that during the daytime, we were always so awkward. We had nothing to talk about. And that’s still the case.

We kept drunk texting from our respective colleges throughout the following semester, and I even visited him for a weekend. And this past week, I went on a big spring break trip with all my study abroad friends and we hooked up the entire time (except for one night, when we drunkenly made out in public but then I passed out before we could do anything else).

Sometimes, it seems like there’s more there – he told one of my guys friends that he “could see himself dating me someday,” and apparently his friends love me. And I think he got uncomfortable while we were out one night and I accepted free drinks from other random guys. But then daytime comes, and we get awkward.

I am so confused. What are we doing?! I know that I’ll never date him, because he is not the right guy for me. But I don’t want to end whatever it is that we have. And I’m afraid that if we end it, then we won’t even be friends – since we never have anything to talk about when we’re sober. And I really like hooking up with him.

Who is he in my gaggle?! WTF should I do?!


Trying To Sort Out My Gaggle

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Thank goodness for the gaggle! Otherwise, I have a feeling that you’d be legitimately trying to date this guy. And all signs point to that being a bad idea.

Let’s be clear: at this moment, you’re only connecting with him on a physical level. He’s your Hot Sex Prospect. Plain and simple. And you need to allow yourself to see him as only that - at least until your relationship with him evolves or a more fitting Boyfriend Prospect comes along.

Of course you’re “so confused!” You live in an era where everyone is still condescending to you and talking as if, despite all the personal and professional strides you’ve probably made in your life, you should be worried (panicked!) about locking down a good man. That’s why you’re constantly being trained to wear the right colors, mind-read the right signals and master the right beauty tricks, right? The idea that you could meet a nice, cute guy with whom you connect on a physical level – and not try to make him your boyfriend – seems to be breaking some sort of secret, timeless Lady Code. Pass on a potential relationship with a guy who doesn’t happen to be a serial killer, and you’ll hear – you’re being too picky! Your standards are too high! You’re acting like an overly-entitled Millennial! SETTLE!

Very few people are going to tell you to just chill out and enjoy whatever it is that you have with this guy.

Therefore, you’re now stuck going through a thought process that way too many of us have experienced. You meet a cool guy, and your brain immediately kicks into “Could he be my boyfriend? Could we fall deeply in love?” gear.

In your case, you’ve already figured out that, no, you guys are not in fact compatible when the sun rises and the liquid courage dries up. Yet this realization compels you to jump into Phase 2 of the thought process – “How can I fit a square peg into a round hole? How can I convince myself that this guy is boyfriend material, or turn him into my ideal man instead? And if I can’t, then…oh no, I have to get rid of him, right?!”

I’m here to tell you that, no, you don’t have to get rid of him.


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