For many of us, finding and sustaining long-term love can be difficult. Heck, sometimes it can seem downright impossible. But in Dr. Diana Kirschner's new book, Sealing The Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love, this impossibility becomes possible with her tried and tested program for lasting love.
A love mentor, psychologist and YourTango Expert, Dr. Diana combines her personal and work experiences to create a guide for those of us who are looking for or are already in love. She offers tips, statistics and real-life examples of mentees she's worked with in the past. Sealing The Deal also offers exercises that help readers better comprehend themselves and what they want out of love. Why Can't I Find A Relationship?
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Here are three essential love lessons we learned from Sealing The Deal:
1. Get Out of Your Own Way. The first step to finding lasting love is to retrain and rewire our brains. In order to do this, we must first make a commitment goal. It can be anything from "Create great self-esteem, deservedness and self love" to "Commit to moving in together or getting engaged." These commitment goals are similar to affirmations. In the book, Dr. Diana provides research that shows "positive affirmations have been used to lower stress and anxiety levels and boost social confidence."
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Another step in getting out of one's own way is silencing "killer beliefs"—those hidden negative beliefs that tend to shape the most important parts of our lives without us being truly aware that they are doing so. These include thoughts like "There are no good men," or "True love doesn't exist." When we deny our killer beliefs, we tend to project them onto our partners, which in turns causes us to withdraw or push away. As Dr. Diana points out, there are no perfect partners, no fairy-tale. meant-to-be relationships that just travel on autopilot straight to eternal nirvana. We have to work for them—and that work begins within ourselves.
In order to manage killer beliefs, Dr. Diana recommends creating "a specific love intention to set you in motion toward creating a particular set of circumstances that we call a lasting love relationship,"—and to do so with a love mentor. A love mentor could be a close friend or a professional coach who serves to help the love intention be realized. It's a love mentor, Dr. Diana tells the reader, that saved her years ago from turning away from her soul mate, her husband of more than 25 years. The YourTango Love Life Makeover Series With Dr. Diana [VIDEOS]