Men cheat because of their biology, sex-addiction and even "evolution" right? Wrong! Keep reading..
As "The Pro Marriage Counselor" I have to tell you: There have been so many pop-articles recently about why men and woman cheat. These articles cite everything from so called “evolutionary psychology” studies to the unqualified opinions of celebrities to the actual North American and European infidelity rates. But just because Kim Kardashian or Ashton Kutcher and others say it, doesn't mean it's true!
These articles do everything from blame a man’s cheating on his biology to saying that men cheat because they get bored fast in relationships or have an inbuilt desire for younger woman. Still others say men cheat because the sex outside of their primary relationship becomes an addiction for them. Adultery: The Secret Behind Why Men Cheat
It’s true, infidelity rates have skyrocketed over the past 40 years despite an equal but opposite increase in strong social attitudes against cheating. Yet the most popular explanations for why infidelity is so rampant simply omits the number 1 science-proven reason men cheat. In doing so, they actually fuel the problem.
It turns out that this top single reason for men’s cheating is exactly the same top single reason that leads over half of all married woman to cheat sexually as well. It’s the same single reason that more than 80% of both men and woman report emotional affairs.
So do you want to know what this number one top source of cheating really is? Ok. It’s "ignorance", plain and simple. The main reason both men and woman have sexual and emotional affairs is because they simply don’t know how harmful these are (realistic motivation) or how to pro-actively prevent them from taking place (planning and doing).
Sure, you can talk about biology and addiction until the cows come home. And it’s true, sexual behaviors can become highly addictive and life-interfering if they’re not properly managed. Pop culture literally banks on that fact.
It’s the same with eating chocolate or drinking wine. They can get way out of hand and seriously harm a person’s life and health. But these excesses, like dysfunctional sexual behaviors (i.e. cheating), are consequences of not understanding and pro-actively preventing the real problems in the first place, not their primary causes!
As far as marital infidelity goes, there’s no question that it can seriously harm a couple or family. The primary reason for this is that it so often leads to separation and divorce. Divorce in turn cuts a family off from what the vast mountain range of strong relationship science has proven are “The Top 34 Incredible Benefits of Marriage”, - for men, woman and children.
This is where the simple ignorance comes in. It turns out that infidelity is harmful in every sense of the word, both emotionally, physically in terms of health and economics. So why do it right?
Unmarried people are usually much poorer financially and suffer from more health problems. In fact , one major recent study clearly links divorce and early death for both men and woman.
Kids of divorced parents are at incredible risk for developing serious mental, physical and academic problems as well, even compared to kids who live with their unmarried parents! Go tell that to the evolutionary psychologists who just keep talking about the "reproductive fitness" of offspring!
Even when you look at popular media accounts of the so called evolutionary psychology studies that show men tend to leave their partner’s for younger woman, it’s often left out that this is usually a repeated pattern. Men who leave their wives tend to leave the woman they left their wives for also, and usually for a younger woman still. So that’s twice the family damage from not staying in a healthy long term monogamous relationship. Looks like that "old timey" Biblical Wisdom was really on to something here!
Men (like me) and woman who know how seriously harmful infidelity is simply don’t do it. As a professional counselor who’s worked with literaly hundreds of individuals and couples facing serious emotional distress, I’ve never met one person who cheated, who was not completely ignorant of the risk and the serious potential for long term relationship and personal damage.
In the vast majority of cases, once people overcome their basic “cheater’s ignorance” it’s just a question of learning how to set up “relationship protective boundaries” and to learn and do effective couple-communication. They simply have to make sure that each partner’s most important, spiritual, emotional and physical relationship needs are being met inside the primary relationship or marriage.
This is the same process that just about any couple can apply in fully and effectively recovering from infidelity as well. They just need to know that recovery is more than just possible, it’s inevitable. As long as both partners mutually and fully commit to the relationship and to doing the laser targeted emotional repair work, they can more than recover. Remember, a properly welded metal structure is stronger than the original intact piece of metal!