"I Don't Care How Drunk You Are: Use A Friggin' Condom!"

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safe sex
Study says that condom use (or non-use) has nothing to do with drunkenness. So no more excuses.

One would think that, after years of condom-on-banana sex ed in our schools, we'd finally get that condom use (especially if you're getting down and dirty with a stranger) is kind of a smart idea. And when I say "kind of," I really mean "just wrap it up, you idiots." While it's easy to blame not using the love-glove on massive amounts of alcohol, a new study found that liquor actually has zero bearing on whether or not you choose to practice safe sex. Basically, if you're anti-condom drunk, you're probably anti-condom sober, too. Great. Did anyone else's vagina just shiver?

The University of Buffalo study took 154 students who described themselves as "heavy drinkers" (aren't they all?) and cut down their alcohol consumption to see if it affected their safe-sex decisions. Said lead researcher, Kurt Dermen: "It was somewhat surprising that reducing drinking did not lead to a reduction in risky sex. However, it is clear from other research that many factors affect students' decisions about condom use and partner choice."

Well, obviously. For example, if you've been sitting next to that hot guy in poetry class for an entire semester, you are obviously in "the know" about his sexual habits, and can attest to the fact that he is STD-free. What else is poetry class for, if not to learn how to read people? I know that's why I was briefly a poetry major. Or do I just put way too much trust in literary types? Yeah, probably.

So guys, listen up: You no longer have the "I was soooo drunk" excuse for not being 100% safe. And ladies, you no longer have an excuse not to demand that he bring a Trojan along with his KY. And when you get yourself a raging case of herpes (which is a life-long buddy, unlike a one-night stand), maybe then you'll rethink how you approach casual sex in the future. You'll have to tell every partner and potential partner for the rest of your life that you have it, after all, and in turn, you'll never forget the night you blamed it on the "a a a a a alcohol."

Got condoms?

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