How To Get It On While Driving

Per Yahoo! News, a woman from New Jersey may need to rent Steve Martin's Parenthood. As the story goes, she picked up a man and began performing a sex act on him (you have exactly one guess which one), and they crashed into something or other. The car was then set afire and she decided to tell Johnny Law that her ride was taken from her at gunpoint.

The police, well-versed since the Susan Smith saga, knew to ask a few questions. They convinced her to drop the dime on her shenanigans and confess to the whole thing. The only thing they don't know is who the man was. My guess is Charlie Sheen, but it may have been Osama Bin Ladin.

And here's the rhubarb: having sex in a car is really unsafe. Despite what the Charlie Sheen* film The Chase may portray, getting it on in a moving car is supremely dangerous and really only interesting because of the danger. Here's a quick guide to getting it on in a moving car.

1. Don't.

2. Seriously, stop trying to be a hero and just pull over and do it in the truck stop parking lot like the rest of us.

3. If you absolutely have to get off, try something in the vein of a literal "car jacking." Just have a Kleenex handy (heh).

4. Finally, just because two things are great, it doesn't mean they're great together. Drinking beer is fun and cutting stuff down with a chainsaw is fun, but no one smart thinks it's a great idea to put them together. Samesies for road head… you could veer right into a bridge embankment when that caffeine-addled trucker gets a load of your action and blows his horn. So have tinted windows, stay off of the highways and keep your speed to an absolute, safe minimum. Video: How To Have Car Sex

The lesson, as always, is to keep your hands at 10 and two. Also, don't lie to the fuzz about car sex. Oh, and always engage the parking brake before you put the car in park. 

Thoughts?

*Note: Isn't it highly suspicious that Charlie Sheen has had two cars stolen and driven off of cliffs?