At three and a half years into my divorce, I no longer feel like I’m mourning my marriage. The grief, the fear, the heartache of betrayal - they lie behind me now, serving as sources of strength and wisdom, not pain. Girlfriend Advice: Stop Comparing Yourself To HER
But getting over my marriage is one thing, getting over my ex’s behavior during our divorce is another. And I know I’m carrying resentment in the latter department. Sometimes it hits me really hard, too.
I, like perhaps many of you, have struggled with the idea that I’m resentful. Some part of me believes feeling resentful means I’m blaming instead of taking responsibility; resisting instead of accepting; playing victim instead of becoming the Heroine of my life; and I don’t want to be those things. I KNOW I’m not those things. Divorce Recovery: Acceptance of What Was and What Is
So what I’ve tended to do with my resentment is bury it. Give myself a pep talk. Focus on what I CAN control and do ,verses that which I can’t.
But underneath it all, the resentment has stayed put - lingering…waiting…like a river of molten fire trapped just beneath the surface.
As of today, I’m done trying to suppress it and I’m done with judging myself for my feelings. It’s time for me to finally give this ugly feeling inside of me a voice. For in order to be free of it, I know I must allow it to speak freely.
My hope is that through my being vulnerable enough to share, you too, will see that your ‘dark feelings’ are also important to fully express, either aloud or in writing, even if your brain judges them as ‘bad’ or ‘irrational’. This isn’t about us needing to find company to be miserable with – it’s about allowing negative emotions to move THROUGH us so that they can ultimately EXIT. Otherwise, we’re at risk of never fully opening our hearts to loving again…and resentment will slowly eat away at our bones like a cancer.
1. I’m resentful of my ex’s denial of his poor parenting. By ‘poor parenting’, we’re not talking about trivial things like someone feeding their kids candy bars for dinner one night. We’re talking about parenting that has put our children’s physical safety and emotional well-being at risk.
2. I’m resentful of how he completely walked away from his financial responsibilities for nine months last year and to this day, he is self-righteous about it. While I was worried about how I was going to put food on the table, he was bullying me and the kids and then went travelling in Asia for almost a month instead of working. It’s one thing to ‘stick it to me’, the ex-wife – but how could he do that to his children? Seriously – how COULD he? When An Ex Won't Let Go