He Said, She Said: Getting Revenge On An Ex
Should you get revenge on an ex? A pro-revenge woman and anti-revenge man debate.
Should you get revenge on an ex? If you've ever had a cold-hearted lout stomp all over your heart, you may be saying yes. Revenge makes you feel better, and if it's not illegal or violent, why not give yourself the satisfaction of seeing your ex suffer?
On the other hand, maybe getting revenge will actually make you feel worse. It's not going to win you any points in the integrity game, and that momentary gratification might give way to regret.
Here, Ted McPherson (anti-revenge) and Judy McGuire (pro-revenge) debate: is getting revenge a good idea? Read what they have to say, and let us know what you think in the comments.
Judy: Why are you so anti-revenge?
Ted: I think when people feel humiliated, they have a strong need to restore order. Someone cheated on you, so you need to rebalance the fairness of the universe. My mom's a psychotherapist, and she's always saying that one of the most basic needs is the need to feel virtuous. Is Revenge Cheating OK?
Judy: See, I don't feel that need, which is key!
Ted: Playing some kind of prank on them isn't going to make them realize they've behaved badly. It's more likely to reinforce their feelings of being victimized and deserving to do whatever they want. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, as they say.
Judy: It's true that some people feel like victims when they're not. So many cheaters have a need to blame their partner for their transgressions. While yes, the partner did have a role in building a sucky relationship, the choice to step outside the relationship was theirs. I think things like alerting the other person's spouse, or mutual friend might be looked at as vengeful, when it's really not.
But when you have a nude photo of them, bloated and with a boa wrapped around their neck and you show it to a few girlfriends—who's that hurting? Besides my girlfriends, I mean.
Ted: But that's something they might never even be aware of, which I'm not sure even counts as revenge.
Judy: I don't know—it makes you feel a little better at their expense, so it counts.
Ted: It just might not feel good in the long run. Taking the low ground, even if you've been wronged, can eat away at your self-esteem over time.
Judy: Well, I showed the photo about eight years ago and my friends still laugh about it. I don't feel bad.
A friend of mine found out she was pregnant and that her husband was cheating on the same day. She threw all his stuff into boxes, dumped some cat litter on top, and on the back of his favorite shirt, she wrote "Too fat to fit." I KNOW she doesn't regret that! 7 Mistakes That Prolong The Misery Of A Breakup
Someone who just "isn't that into you" (ack!) doesn't deserve anything bad—that's just the way it goes. But someone who's taken your money and damaged your dignity—well, a little revenge-lite might make you feel a little better.
I gotta say....its unbelievably tempting, and I have a dark and devious mind for stuff like that.
But, ultimately, I always feel its just wasted energy that doesn't do anything for me. I already know they won't learn from it, and it won't really make me feel any better.
Then again, I'm not really the vindictive type. Sometimes its enough of a giggle for me to be completely blase about it when they do something dirty to me...amazing how they don't like thinking that them leaving really doesn't mean a whole lot to me.
I'm a firm believer in "the Laws of Karma". When you put negativity into motion, it will always come back to haunt you at the most inopportune time. I've had my share of relationships, both good and bad, however, you never know who you may have ask for an important favor in the future, and this person just may be your ex! If children are involved, revenge is not the wisest move. It places them in "the middle of your pain" and they really should not be forced to chose sides, if at all possible.
My ex-boyfriend was the product of "revenge sex" and the consequences can be devastating. His mother was angry with her husband, went out to a local bar and had a one-night stand with a man she picked up and became pregnant with my ex-lover. His mother reconciled with her husband and when her baby was born, her husband knew immediately that my ex was not his son. Her husband was furious and told her to find his biological father and give him his child. Of course, the truth about his parentage did not come out until he reached his teens and he was devastated to find out his family actually lied to him. I'm quite sure his biological mother's indiscretion eventually cost her a marriage she probably wanted to save and a baby she loved very much. There are times regardless of how much it hurts, letting go of your anger is the best path to pursue. Time and maturity really does put things into a different perspective. Our lovers are some of the best teachers in the world. Sometimes it takes having a "real bad" relationship in order to appreciate a much better one.
****** CORRECTIONS APPLIED TO ORIGINAL POST ********
I'm a firm believer in "the Laws of Karma". When you put negativity into motion, it will always come back to haunt you at the most inopportune time. I've had my share of relationships, both good and bad; however, you never know who you may have to ask for an important favor in the future, and this person just may be your ex! If children are involved, revenge is not the wisest move. It places them in "the middle of your pain" and they really should not be forced to choose sides, if at all possible.
My ex-boyfriend was the product of "revenge sex" and the consequences can be devastating. His mother was angry with her husband, went out to a local bar and had a one-night stand with a man she picked up and became pregnant with my ex-lover. His mother reconciled with her husband and when her baby was born, her husband knew immediately that my ex was not his son. Her husband was furious and told her to find his biological father and give him his child. Of course, the truth about his parentage did not come out until he reached his teens and he was devastated to find out his family actually lied to him. I'm quite sure his biological mother's indiscretion eventually cost her a marriage she probably wanted to save and a baby she loved very much. There are times regardless of how much it hurts, when letting go of your anger is the best path to pursue. Time and maturity really does put things into a different perspective. Our lovers are some of the best teachers in the world. Sometimes it takes having a "real bad" relationship in order to appreciate a much better one.
I have wanted so BAD to do something to my ex to make him feel as bad as I did for losing the relationship... But why? I feel better when I imagine it in my head (like taking a very sharp key to his brand new SUV), but then I think about the bigger picture. He will be an unhappy, unemotional person who is unable to emote any sort of feeling to ANYONE. I like the "eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind" quote. i will be remembering this.
I don't condone violence or the destruction of property, but in the instance that someone has terribly wronged you, like cheated on you while you are married and pregnant with their baby, I think you have the right to lash out a little.
I think sometimes people are so narcissistic that they fail to be moved by the pain they cause others, so hurting them where it counts (in their material goods) could be freeing knowing that you caused them a little hurt too.
I am not saying I've done this. But I am not saying I would be above it either.
About five years ago I looked out my window and saw a guy scrubbing the word "CHEATER" off the side of his SUV. I think that's taking it a little far...although I'm sure it made whoever wrote it feel better.
I agree with both sides, I think. "Almost everyone, even a truly awful boyfriend/girlfriend, deserves directness." Definitely. But if you do something that doesn't hurt anyone and isn't illegal, it can be OK. But I wouldn't get in the habit of taking revenge.
