I’m getting a divorce. Time to hit eHarmony!
I’ve heard this so many times from people I’ve met and even from people in my divorce care class I help facilitate.
This is the WORST thing a person can do. You need time to heal properly, to rediscover who you are, and have something healthy to offer in your next relationship. It takes time and can be a lonely process; however, it is needed if you don’t want to end up hurt again.
When you become married, you really become one person. You are now two hearts that came together as one to share your joys, your sorrows, your beliefs, and a vision of the future you have together. Somewhere in that mix you lose your own individual identity.
So now you find yourself divorced or separated. There’s a deep identity crises which takes place. You find yourself asking, “Who am I now?” And it’s a valid question. When your relationship ends your very soul tears from each other; it isn’t a neat line that leaves both parties a whole person.
It’s a jagged, uneven tear leaving you with parts of each other. Your heart and mind have to sort out which part is you and which part is from your spouse. Then you have to find your old identity or even create a new one. Until this process of knowing who you are is complete, you have no business dating another person. You’ll only end up taking the dirty laundry of the last relationship and its problems with you into the new one.
You need to find who you are because you want to know what kind of relationship you really want and you certainly don't want to repeat the last one.
If you find yourself repeating the same type of relationships, I have an exercise for you.
- What kind of person or personalities are you attracted to? What were the red flags in the relationship? Why are you attracted to this person/personality?
- What do you need to change about yourself and/or your life?
Another good reason to not jump into another relationship is because you’re an emotional, needy basket case! You need to completely heal from the pain and not cling onto the next person hoping they will fill that empty, hurting void you have inside. You cannot expect another person to make you happy or to fill the empty void in your life. You’re setting the relationship up for failure!
When my husband came to me and said he wanted a divorce and I knew it was going to happen, I thought of entering the dating pool again. As I started filling out the eHarmony site I stopped and asked myself, “What am I doing? Who would want to be around me? I’m broken, clingy, needy. I have nothing to offer anyone. I don’t even want to be around myself!” Honestly, if I could have left myself I would have done so.
If I did find someone, it was going to be someone who would most likely prey on my sensitive heart. That was the last thing I needed. To protect myself I prayed men would stay away from me. It worked.
Things you can do to help your recovery process:
- Find good support groups such as www.divorcecare.com. You don’t even have to be a church member to participate in this group. I help facilitate this group at my local church.
- Surround yourself with same-sex friends.
- Stay busy with your children.
- Keep focused on yourself and your healing process.
- I have a great devotional workbook that can be used for healing from both divorce and abusive, and I have written a book to help other people through divorce. Visit: http://www.lemonadeforthedivorcedsoul.com for books and video testimonials.
Remember, you will heal. You will move on, and if you really want another marriage in the future, it will come. And when it does come, you’ll be in a better place in your life to enjoy it.
Angela Chase, CPC
Certified Professional Coach and Author
Discover Your Wings