What Is Virtual Sex? (And Is It Cheating?)
Is virtual sex cheating? One Second Life user reveals all.
When 28-year-old Amy Pollard divorced her husband, she raised eyebrows. Not because her grounds for divorce were unconventional—infidelity—but it was Pollard's definition of cheating. She caught her ex having sex with another woman in the online world of Second Life. Or, specifically, she caught her husband's character having sex with another woman's character in the virtual game.
Pollard is also an avid Second Lifer. And the SL community had words for her. In fact, so many nasty ones that she disabled her IM in Second Life. Hundreds of SLers criticized and chastised Pollard for taking the virtual world into the real one.
And what a virtual world it is. Second Lifers socialize, flirt, cuddle, date—even marry. CNN.com recently reported on a Second Life bridal expo. Yes, for those who are planning a virtual ceremony. More than 800 attendees showed up.
And what comes naturally with marriage? Divorce. Second Life divorces happen, too. A Japanese woman was arrested on charges of manipulating electronic data (hacking into a computer) after, in a fit of anger, she logged on as her ex's character in the virtual game Maple Story and killed him. What caused her fury? The ex's character divorced hers in the game.
It's clear that the emotions that result from the online world boil over into real life. With sex comes jealousy—and not the virtual kind. So, the question we must ask: Is Second Life sex really sex? And is virtual infidelity as wrong as real-world cheating?
Wired columnist and sexpert Regina Lynn can't—or more accurately, won't—define fidelity. Even when we prompted her. "What constitutes cheating is defined by two people in a relationship, and I would not presume to dictate that to anyone else," she explains. "However, SL attracts imaginative, creative people who want to engage in interactive storytelling, and erotic play is a powerful facet of that."
Here, we get inside the head of a five-year Second Life veteran, who reveals what virtual sex is really like—and whether it's truly crossing the line. Kevin Alderman, aka Stroker Serpentine (his SL alias), has been married to his real-life wife for 16 years. He's been married to his Second Life wife for three, "which is two lifetimes in online years," he adds. Here, he opens up about virtual relationships, in his own words:
I have a loving family both in real life and virtual life. Are they "traditional" marriages? But then what is? My perceptions of the "perfect" marriage falls somewhere between "Ozzie Nelson" and "Ozzy Osbourne." Marriage is about mutual respect, support and honesty. I am not willing to discard the years of investment I have put into any of my relationships over an orgasm.
Discussion
aside from the is he cheating debate, the whole idea of virtual sex just kind of weirds me out. i don't really get how you can be sexually fulfilled by having virtual sex with another virtual person. if the person you are with is into that you need to really look at that relationship
Just as Lynda said, relationships evolve. They also become automatic, even boring. SL definitely seems like an escape, but something new and exciting. Especially when the person next to you just wants to roll over and go to bed. I can see how this could very easily happen in any relationship. I suppose it's more a matter of whether it bothers the other partner--if he/she sees it as a destructive element to their relationship. The question is, should both parties be completely honest about their actions?
A couple should have had the discussion before they got married about what is cheating or not cheating. For example, my definitional of cheating is almost anything my spouse feels he must keep secret or lie about. If this is binge eating, drinking, drugs, going to clubs, or sex. As a couple open and honest is the only way to stay together.
So many people portray themselves one way before they get married, then put unrealistic constraints on their spouse after they get married all because of what they ~think~ marriage should be. It was never discussed what is your definition of marriage, cheating, being in love, or life. People have a tendency to get wrapped up in the emotional and/or physical state of "being in love", and what that definition is at that time.
Then change, after they get married, because of a different thought process of what marriage, spouse, and commitment is and what obligations and expectations are.
Marriage is an evolving commitment. My DH and I were married before the world wide web was anything to boast about. We have had to communicate our thoughts and feelings, readjust our concepts and how we do things, learn, and see things. The one thing that has not changed is that if it is kept secret, lied about , if you have a secret life, then that is cheating.
Good call L Dub,
If it's something that you wouldn't want dude or chick that you're seeing to find out about it, it's a little on the squirrelly side. On the other hand, a little mystery is a good thing if no one's getting hurt. So, again, it's a judgment call, "would dude/ chick be hurt by this?"
Is it possible to reconcile the need for some amount of privacy with the need for fair disclosure?
