The Hot Dog Theory Of Man

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The Hot Dog Theory Of Man
The Bachelor contestant judges a man by his hot dog toppings.

Besides confirmation that ABC's The Bachelor producers are indeed a bottom-feeding lot (more on this later), viewers of last night's two-hour premiere walked away with some fascinating new tidbits about love. For those who don't watch, the premise of this season's show is that Jason, a 32-year-old single dad from Seattle got down on one knee for Deanna Pappas, the most recent Bachelorette, but was ultimately dissed for a younger, "gnarly dude" of a snowboarder (with whom Pappas has since split). Now, with 3-year-old son Ty in tow, Jason's back on the hunt.

Here, a few of the love lessons gleaned from last night's show:

1. Some women use astrology or matchmaking to help decipher whether a man's worth their while—others use hot dogs.

Bachelor contestant Jillian, a 29-year-old Canadian interior designer, introduced Jason to her theory that what a man puts on his hot dog reveals what kind of man he is. To test the theory, a man is allowed to choose but one topping.

A ketchup guy is a good, old All-American guy who probably is not a huge risk-taker. A sauerkraut guy is the bad boy all women think they want. An onion guy will never marry (due to onion breath, perhaps?). The man all women ultimately want to marry is the mustard man.

Jason chose mustard. We wonder what chili-cheese on a dog says about a guy...

2. When looking to hook a single father, sincerity mixed with stalking, bad poetry or cleavage works! Sincerity with a side of The Secret does not.

Love Buzz was sure the woman who told Jason about MySpace stalking him (she knew the name of his brother's girlfriend) would not receive one of the fifteen coveted roses of the evening. Lo, she did. As did the gal who wrote him a rhyme about love at first sight. On a scroll. With a red heart on it.

On the other hand, the 36-year-old who showed her spiritual side didn't win any points with Jason for describing her "vision board," a concept that comes from Oprah-endorsed The Secret. The law of attraction says that creating a collage of the things you want will help bring desires to fruition. Apparently a likeness of Jason was not on this lady's vision board because she didn't get a rose. He instead went for depth in a rather different sense of the word and chose some women with cleavage so unharnassed we wondered at the state of their back muscles.