Can Your Loved Ones Stay Friends With Your Ex?
What to do when your family and friends have a hard time breaking up with your ex.
When you break up with someone, how do you expect the people in your life to treat your ex? This Sunday's "Modern Love" column in The New York Times explored that topic in an essay by Charles Antin. Antin had an amicable, cold-turkey breakup with his girlfriend of five years, and then found himself morosely following her life in the aftermath via Facebook. When his "technophile" grandfather joined the social networking site and befriended his ex—because of their shared love of Frangelico, it seems—Antin was angry. The column ends with a bit of a whimper—Antin confronted his grandfather, who ended up quitting Facebook entirely—but it got me thinking about how we expect our family members and friends to treat our exes, and how we expect their family and friends to treat us, whether the breakup was amicable or not. The Frisky: How Good Of A Friend Should You Be To An Ex?
When my ex and I broke up, I didn't have much to worry about on this front. While I was friendly with his friends and he was friendly with mine, we didn't really have mutual friends, so it wasn't like anyone was in a position of "choosing sides." My family had never been close with him because we hadn't spent too much time with them as a couple, so they had no interest in keeping in touch with him. And really, given the way things went down, everyone in my life kind of hated his guts. A few of my friends were Facebook friends with him before we broke up, and when we split, most of them asked if they should defriend him or not. I said, "No," because obviously someone needed to be keeping tabs on his relationship status changes, as well as post and tag photos of me looking happy for him to see. So I've never been in the position of having to really "think" about how I wanted my friends to treat my ex. They've been doing it right since the second we broke up. Dating Don'ts: Five Sure Fire Ways NOT To Get Over Someone
However, one of my primary concerns when we broke up was how it was going to affect my relationship with his mom. Even though I hadn't "done" anything, would she still feel comfortable maintaining contact with me? And even if she did want to remain a part of my life in the months after the breakup, what about when my ex brought home a new girlfriend for her to meet? Would her friendship with me get in the way of her developing a bond with a new, potential daughter-in-law? And what did he think of his mom still keeping in touch with his ex—the very same ex who has, well, torn him a new one on this very site (all of which could have been read by his mom)? The Frisky: Debate This: Should You Invite Your Ex To Your Wedding?
All of this was weighing heavily on me in advance of my 30th birthday. Though my almost-mother-in-law and I had vowed to keep in touch, I hadn't spoken with her since before I found out and wrote that my ex had likely cheated on me with his coworker (and lied about it) and had also lied about an incident early on in our relationship involving his ex-girlfriend. Since the last time we spoke, I had written about all of these things, as well as sent my ex an extremely pissed-off and accusatory email (which he didn't acknowledge), and I was worried a little that he had maybe bad-mouthed me to his parents—i.e., told them I was crazy—in an attempt to cover his butt should they confront him about the things I wrote about (in the event they still read The Frisky). I hesitated to check in with them because I didn't know what kind of reception I would get. I was pretty confident his mom knew me well enough that she wouldn't believe any lies he might tell and, despite everything, I had a hard time really believing my ex could be that vindictive. Turns out, my instinct was right—his mom texted me on my birthday, as did his sister. It was a wonderful birthday present, knowing he hadn't tried to taint their view of me and that they still very much wanted to keep in touch. The Frisky: MERRIMe, A New Web Comedy About Online Dating
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Discussion
My ex and I recently broke up... not sure if it's a break or an official break-up, but whatever. We dated for over a year and during that timeframe we only really hung out with his friends. So when all of this stuff went down, the girls in his circle still talked with me and we still hang out. Even his guy friends have no problem conversing with me and I with them. They don't understand what his deal is and maybe that is why (ha!). We've been out places together because I'll get invited out and obviously the girls want to be with their boyfriends and he'll be with them and I am fine with that. But ai can see where it gets weird. I don't think any of them have picked a side and should probably pick his since they were HIS friends, but all of us became great friends and they liked me so much. I even had one of the guys say that my ex made the stupidest mistake ever and will never find anyone better than me so he pretty much screwed himself over. Nice to hear and nice to know that they still like me!
But every relationship is different. I dated a guy 3 years ago where we had our own friends, but also had mutual (how we met). After the break-up, I still hung out with the mutual but any reference to him was avoided. Even after he started dating someone new and I knew about it, the guys would act like we broke up yesterday and treat me differently - I think it had to do with the fact that they hate his new GF (or fiance now) and they adored me since obviously we had been friends for years. It was hard. Even now when we all go out, there is that chance of him being there and we know that. Same thing with my current situation.
That is so hard. If you've been with someone for a long time and you have that connection to his family, it is hard to just give it up. And yet, it is his family and in the end, they need to be there for him/her and not you.
I would say though, that while it may hurt and be annoying, if your family members are friends with your ex, I question what right you have to tell them to stop. They are adults, they can decide for themselves. I think Antin, should have stayed out of his Grandpa's business. That was a bad move on his part. People get into so much trouble when they make everything about THEM.
I think this one is definitely an "it depends" question. It's nice if people can stay friends, but it may not always be possible. If the breakup is really nasty, it might be good if friends and relatives stay away from the ex. They might be able to be friends again a little later.
On the other hand, if the couple have been together a long time and have kids, friends and relatives may want to/need to continue their relationship.
I'll agree, its situational, but I still find it childish that so many people look at this like your loved ones have to pick a side.
Why can't family and friends be there for both people?
I know, its optimistic. But I'd agree that at least let them persue that friendship a little later on if you can't handle that right now.
Just as I've always been a major advocate for being friends with exes (not saying that you should always be friends with your ex, but that there is nothing at all wrong with it) this is pretty much analogous to that view point. Mutual friends, my friends that have befriended my ex, etc....that is entirely their choice. I don't believe in forcing my views or opinions on my friends. In truth, they are my friends because I respect them for standing behind their own opinions.
So, short answer, I see nothing wrong with my friends staying friends with an ex.
Whatever happened in my relationship with that ex was between her and myself. We ended it for whatever reason was appropriate to us, none of which had anything to do with our friends. It is our choice if we tell our friends what the reasons were, and our friends are free to choose for themselves. At the same time, I have absolutley no issue with an ex still being friends with my parents. By all means, do so. I may not agree with all of my parents views, but they have done a lot of living themselves and provide valuable insight, so if an ex wants to chat up my mom then by all means do so!
I've always found the whole idea of it being impossible to remain friends with an ex (and yes, I'm talking just friends and nothing more) as well as the idea of "defriending" an ex just because we broke up as being incredibly childish. The purpose in having a romantic relationship with someone is to test the waters to see if you can actually spend the rest of your life together in whatever way you define as right as a couple. If the relationship goes south, well, thats life...doesn't mean you can't still find value in that person as a friend who consequently knows you better than your non-ex friends and has wonderful insight into who you are.
Yes, a touch awkward at first, but time takes care of that.
In my opinion no ex's cant stay friends because where there was fire there remains aches, meaning their will always memories and feelings.
