Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

Beware The Man With an Exit Plan

Name: Elle | | Location: Philly , PA |Question:
I have been seeing this guy for over three months. He told me that he is not interested in a serious relationship because of the hours he puts in at work and the fact that he wants to go overseas to do "Doctors without borders". While I think that this is a very noble cause and way of life. This is not what I am interested in in my future. And I told him that. And I also told him that I am interested in marriage in my future and in having kids. He told me that he does not want to lead me on and that I can see other guys so that I can basically meet someone to settle down with.

I don't call the guy. I only respond to his texts and phone calls. We have only gone on three dates during these three months. Earlier this week he called me to ask me if I wanted to go to Los Vegas with him for New Year's Eve. All expense paid trip on him. I am confused. Why is this guy treating me to a very expensive trip if he is not interested in a serious relationship with me. I don't look like a model. So I doubt that it is because he wants to sleep with me. Also I feel so guilty. Since he is not interested in a future with me, I feel guilty accepting this trip from him. Although going on the trip sounds like a blast and I can't afford a trip like this, I don't know if I should go. I don't want to take advantage of him. My friends all say that I should go. What do you guys think I should do? Would a
trip like this be considered taking advantage of him? I think that he is doing this because he doesn't have anyone else to spend New Years eve with. But an all expense paid trip. That's sounds a bit ridiculous.  |Age: 29

While it's totally possible that this guy might, someday, participate in Doctors Without Borders, I'm guessing that's a line he uses to set expectations. Basically, he's created an Exit Strategy so that the women he dates don't get too cozy or settled in. He's telling women upfront, "Look, I don't plan on sticking around."  Instead of just coming out and saying he has no intention of engaging in a serious relationship , he uses the doctors without borders excuse so he can a) set up an escape clause without b) looking like a dirt bag. I'm not saying he's going to fake leaving the country to get away with you. He's just putting it out there so you're clear that there is a looming end date to this arrangement.

The Exit Strategy comes in many different forms. They alert you, in their profile or on the first date, that they travel a lot for work or work crazy hours. Or that they're considering moving to another state. (I see that in a guy's profile and I bail immediately.) Or they just flat out tell you, unprovoked, that they aren't looking for anything serious. If you're looking for an eventual relationship, these guys should be avoided.

He's asking you to go away with him because he likes you. Just not enough to actually have a relationship with you. He's setting the boundaries and expectations very clear so that if you do get attached, he can say "But I told you I wasn't looking for anything serious." Is it taking advantage of him? Nope. It would be taking advantage if the roles were reversed and you were the one not looking for a relationship. You have no idea how much it actually cost. He could be getting the rooms for free or maybe has Frequent Flyer miles. He actually could be spending very little.

Don't try and use this as a way to convince yourself he's actually looking for something serious. He's likely not. He's told you as much. He's the guy who likes companionship and sex, but not commitment.

BLOG: http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/

DATING QUESTIONS NEEDED!!!
Got a dating related question? Want free advice from Moxie and dozens of other national and international singles? Ask Away. It’s Free! Look for Moxie’s response and feedback from others.

Author
Contributor

Expert advice

If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead end relationships, listen up.
Several key behaviors stand out in order to help couples create a healthy relationship.
It seems like you can't do anything right.

Explore YourTango