When Is a Man's Expiration Date?

There's always talk (usually here) about women and their "market value" and "expiration date." But guys I bet you didn't know that you have one too. Yup. It's true. I know you think that just by having a penis and a job your value never depreciates, which is so adorable I just want to squeeze all of your cheeks, but it does. Here's when/why:

The Struggling Artist - Artists in general represent that raw animal lust that we ladies fantasize about. But around the time a guy turns 35 you go from being sexy to, well, kinda sad. Because, see, the chances of you actually getting that big break or huge gig at 35 is pretty much nil. Which means you'll be going in to your 40's with no 401K plan, no social security..actually...no security, period. And women like security. If there's one thing that you really need to provide, it's that. Not just fiscal security. Emotional security. Because, here's the deal. We don't have the time nor the patience to coddle you and your ego. And all artists have egos. By 35 or even 40, if we wanted to have a child in our life, we would have. You artists are too much work. You're flaky, for one. You're usually fairly insecure and we always have to reassure you and/or endure your drama, for two. At 28 or even 32 it's kind of hot because the sex is usually great. By 35, it just becomes frustrating and the sex becomes less frequent and spontaneous. You provide no security for us and you become a drain on us emotionally and often times financially. We didn't go to college, get our MBAs, work long hours, eat a lot of shit from gusy at work, etc just to get promoted so that we can fund your pipe dream to write that 2010 version of Hamlet. Get a god damn real job. Those struggling artists, in my opinion, have the biggest balls because in my opinion they have no right to be so picky. Sure, we'll date you guys when you're 35 or older because you're usually pretty good looking. But here's a secret..we get kind of embarrassed when people ask us what you do for a living. There. I said it.

The "Me and My Boys" Guy - Yep, at 26 or 30 or even 32, we understand your need to hang with the guys three nights a week. But if you're still doing that at 33, then there's a 85% chance you're a man-child. Usually, guys like this have friends like this. That means we have to endure nights where you're all in our (meaning his and hers) living room being loud, eating our food, burping, screaming, etc. Hi. Uh, I have a job and I need to go to bed. Yes, I know the Yankees went in to double extra innings. But I was up at 6am so I could go to the gym so that my ass doesn't sag because, see, I have to compete with that 22 year old assistant who hops up and down the hallways at your office. Plus, I'd prefer to work out in the am so that you and I can have some sheet wrestling time that night. You remember sex, right? That thing we had in August, before the pennant race started? I'm too tired to go to the gym after work and, well, THIS IS MY HOUSE AND I WANT TO GO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, MY BOYFRIEND! What's that You'll hang at the pub? Oh, and then when you get home you'll probably wake us up because you've had a few beers and are clumsy/horny or just trying to find your way around in the dark? Awesome. Grow up. By 35, you should be well past these nights. Once a week? Great have your boys night. But if you're a guy who needs this multiple times a week, you have until 35 to get over it. After that, you represent a lifetime of dumb fights.