How To Be The Other Woman
How to handle being the other woman in nine easy steps.
Despite valiant human rights work on behalf of Angelina Jolie to make "the other woman" not look like a big ol' skank, the truth is most people still think "the other woman" is ... well, a big ol' skank. And guess what, ladies?! There's this awesome double standard where people shrug their shoulders at Mr. Married But Couldn't Keep His Pants Zipped and say, "Boys will be boys," while they give you the stink-eye, you home-wreckin' ho! So you have your work cut out for you! Unfortunately, instead of hopping a cheap-o flight out of town to wash that man right out of her hair, some "other women" go a little bats**t when the man doesn't ditch his wife. The Frisky: How Do You Define Cheating?
Take me, for instance: I'd been flirting with and developing strong feelings for a male friend for about eight months, during which he kept saying he was steadily growing more unhappy with his long-term girlfriend. I finally got frustrated by his dilly-dallying and told him to either be with me or scram; he chose to leave me alone. But three weeks passed and the day after Valentine's Day I got a text message from him saying he realized he wanted to break up with her and be with me. I was thrilled! He started cheating on her with me, saying he would break up with her imminently. Each day passed and I grew more anxious that he hadn't dumped her yet. Finally, he lied to me about how they were "on a break," which I discovered to be untrue after a little sniffing around. I flipped out big time. I sent his girlfriend a long email about her two-timing, lying bastard of a boyfriend. Of course, he told me that was "crazy" and that if I thought he'd break up with his girlfriend for me, I must have just misunderstood. Wait, what? Uh-huh. Right. Misunderstood. The Frisky: MERRIme, A Web Comedy About Online Dating
Looking back on that dramz, the only thing I misunderstood was how to be "the other woman":
- First of all, look at yourself in the mirror and say this as many times as you need to: "I am not a bad person." If you tell people about your affair, you'll get called every name in the book by your guy's wife or girlfriend, her friends, and possibly by him. The hardest part of this whole situation won't be the heartbreak but the judgment that others cast upon you. Nasty labels like "slut," "skank," and "whore" really sting, especially since I'm guessing you, like me, sincerely believed the only new label you'd be picking up would be "girlfriend." It's vital to your self-esteem that you realize you made some stupid mistakes when you had the oxytocin hormone pumping through your body, but you're not a bad person overall. Words like "slut" are only as painful as you let them be. Also, nobody's probably calling him a slut, so don't sweat your less-than-ladylike behavior too badly. The Frisky: Love 101: The Inadvertent Mistress
- Stop thinking in black and white. Everything from here on out is in a morally gray area. You hear that? Gray! Banish all-or-nothing thinking from your brain, such as, "But he can't do that!" Sure he can, honey, and he just did. I know that everything feels black and white right now, like his wife or girlfriend just has to see all these text messages he sent you saying he's falling more in love every day. But when cooler heads prevail, you'll stop thinking in absolutes, which, in my opinion, only leads to more drama.The Frisky: Girl Talk: I Was The Other Woman—Should I Tell?
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Discussion
Well, as someone who has been on both sides of that, I disagree. I also believe that traditional marriage doesn't work, except in maybe a strictly business-type way. I was married for 15 years, neither of us stayed faithful. I needed to find someone else to get the courage to leave what was an emotionally toxic relationship. Both the ex-husband and I are very happy with our lives now. Best thing ever. The truth is, you cannot choose who you fall in love (or lust) with. It is biology.
Humans are primates, and primates are not monogamous. I believe in a type of seasonal monogamy. In different seasons of your life, you may look for a mate that meets different needs. As far as being the other woman, if someone truly embraces it - it can be a fabulous thing. For example, I have a friend who was having an affair with a man who has 5 children. He ended up leaving his wife for her, but she doesn't want kids and she doesn't want to get married. She actually saw him more when he was still married. She certainly doesn't want to be wifey and take on the care and feeding of his brood. Who would? Sometimes being the other woman is just about having mind-blowing sex with someone who isn't going to be underfoot all the time. Not everyone wants the myth of the happily-ever-after. Besides, happiness is fleeting. Take what you can get when you can get it.
Once a cheater always a cheater...isn't it obvious?? This man, that was dwindling between two women is asking for STD. Why would she continue to be the other woman-knowing she will get hurt soon? *Scratching my head and rolling my eyes*
"I flipped out big time. I sent his girlfriend a long email about her two-timing, lying bastard of a boyfriend. Of course, he told me that was "crazy" and that if I thought he'd break up with his girlfriend for me, I must have just misunderstood. Wait, what?"
You know, this kind of stuff has to stop, If you're going to be the other woman, own it. Don't stoop to contacting the wife or girlfriend and tell yourself she "deserves" to know. Why suddenly so concerned about what she deserved or didn't deserve?
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The best plan is to not be the other woman. If somebody is in a relationship, stay away from them. Don't flirt with a guy who's telling you he's having troubles in his relationship. Don't tell someone he can have you if he leaves his girlfriend - he'll call you the next time they have a spat. Don't get together with someone who is still going out with someone else.
At some point, I think you have to look in the mirror and tell yourself that YOU did a bad thing. Go through the guilt. Feel sorry. Stop making excuses. Don't be surprised if people call you names - you may be a good person deep down, but you actually did something bad.
Expect his girlfriend to hate you and focus on feeling sorry for the pain you caused her. She has a right to be angry. Instead of planning how to get revenge on her boyfriend, is there anything you can do make her life better?
Don't complain if the guy who cheated with doesn't get in trouble for what he did - the only person you can control is you. Resolve to behave better in the future. And while I agree that you're better off not dating a guy who would cheat, well, remember that you are a girl who would cheat.
Sometimes we behave better when we think in black and white. When we want something, we convince ourselves we're the exception to the rule. He's in a bad relationship. He's about to get out. I'm really the one he loves. Stick with the simple rule here - if he's taken, don't get involved with him.
I think the women do get mad at the guys. I assume the guys apologize and promise to never do it again. Then they have to do things to make up for what they've done. They probably also tell the woman that they love her the best, maybe even that the other woman never meant anything to them.
The other woman doesn't usually seem to do any of these things. Sometimes she is just upset that she didn't manage to get the guy away from his girl - like the woman in this column. It's hard to see why someone would forgive someone who isn't sorry and maybe even wishes they had done a better job at getting your boyfriend.
It reminds me a little bit of in-laws. You love your family and they can say all kinds of things and you'll still love them. You know that they love you and so you can put up with a lot of nonsense. But if your brother's wife yells at you, it's different. You don't love her, she doesn't love you. You're not starting with a relationship. So you might stay mad or never really like her.
