He Hit His Ex: Dealbreaker?
Does a past history of domestic violence automatically disqualify him as relationship material?
There are dealbreakers and then there are dealbreakers—and a past history of domestic violence is a dealbreaker on a lot of people's list. Salon.com's advice columnist, Cary Tennis, fielded a question from a former abuser who's nervous about telling his new girlfriend he physically abused his ex-wife half a dozen times during their marriage. The Frisky: Helping A Friend Who's Being Hit
After divorcing, "Ex-Abuser," as he signed his letter, entered therapy and said it helped him "understand my reasons for the abuse, and the effect it had on both my wife and our relationship." Also after the divorce, he and his ex-wife went to therapy together and "the abuse was addressed and some amount of nascent healing took place." The Frisky: He Says He's Just Not Boyfriend Material
Now Ex-Abuser is in a new relationship with a woman he seems to want to spend his life with. Trouble is, he hasn't told her about his past. Not only is he afraid his new girlfriend will ditch him if she knows, but his ex-wife is threatening to spill the beans herself. And that, obviously, would be bad. The Frisky: Sometimes You Shouldn't Mind Your Own Business
Of course, Ex-Abuser should tell his girlfriend himself, but I don't think it'll go as badly as he thinks. Maybe I'll get my Feminist Card revoked for saying this, but I don't think a man's abusive past should necessarily be an automatic dealbreaker. The Frisky: MERRIme, A Web Comedy About Online Dating
I believe people can change their mentally ill ways and behave healthily again. I've met enough sober alcoholics and clean drug addicts to know that is true. A lot of factors contribute to domestic violence in a relationship, but I have faith a man can be taught how and why he controlled and abused his partner and learn not to do it again.
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Discussion
Wow. If he's been in a relationship long enough to want to get married, he should have told her a long time ago. It seems a bit dishonest of him to hide this for so long. I imagine that he's trying to wait until she has such strong feelings for him that it "won't seem like a big thing", but that's an awfully selfish way to look at it. I must be the only woman who bothers to ask a man if he's ever abused or been abused. And he should know that she has every right to leave him once she finds out. I'm not saying that she will or should, but I know that once you tell me that you've hit a woman I'm out the door. I grew up in an abusive house and I refuse to be with someone who can show their anger in that way.
People who abuse in a relationship often come from a abusive relationship themselves. Either from their parents, siblings, or any other family member. Or. They have watched a family member abuse someone, and that someone never left and took the beating. So then the child grows up and sees that if I abuse someone they will love me forever.
Do I think they should tell them about their past.. Yes and NO. Yes because being honest gets you along way in a relationship. Don't tell her right away.. date for a couple of months then open up about it. If they planned to get married again.. You need to tell them.
First he needs to keep his mouth shut. 2nd was it abuse or a fight? Was he in a relationship with a woman from abusive background? Was she coming at him with a weapon or did he hit for no good reason.
Do you come from an abused household? The reason is the people from abusive childhoods often do everything to elicit the same violent response because it is what they know. To them love means being hit!!
IF he has control or anger issues then he needs help and to be at a place of discipline.
But knowing that does not give anyone the right to abuse him either.
Wow! You sound like you're trying to blame his victim. I think that's taking siding with your fellow guy too far.
Here's the thing - if the guy has changed and learned from his therapy, he will never, ever say the kinds of things you're saying about why he did it.
Definite dealbreaker - a guy who says he hits his wife and tries to make excuses. Saying anything about how his wife provoked him is an excuse.
Definite dealbreaker #2 - a guy who says he hit wife, but not very often. Minimizing what he did is a sign that he has not really changed.
The only exception is a guy who was being abused and hit his wife in self-defense. However, this guy is not saying that was what he did. He is saying he was abusive, but he's changed.
He should tell her and the new girlfriend should give him a chance. He's been to therapy and that's proactive. It would be another if he admitted he was abusive and "learned" all on his own. And of course, she needs to be more cautious. I think it would be judgmental to not give him a chance.
