I Wish He'd Hit Me: A Christian Divorcee's Story
For a Christian woman, can non-physical abuse justify divorce?
"Nobody stays married anymore. Everybody just takes the easy way out. Divorce isn't an option for me."
Becky heavily accented the "d" word as we made our way through the park on that beautiful summer day. I was stunned by her tone. I wanted to cry. It was bad enough that my pastor had urged me to stay in my marriage. Breaking my marriage vows had been the most difficult decision I had ever made. No one could really know what I had been through. I had been certain Becky would understand. She had seen me struggle and agonize over the decision to ask for a divorce. It was not the easy way out.
I felt the need to convince everyone that I had no alternative, and I had to continually convince myself. My husband's abuse was as insidious as it was clever. He never hit me. He never had an affair. He was never unemployed. He kissed me goodbye every morning and was home every night after work.
How can a Christian man or woman make the decision to leave their marriage, to seek a divorce, when their faith screams from all angles that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16 NIV Study Bible)? In Ephesians (5:22-33) we find Christians being taught that husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. We are told over and over by Sunday school teachers, church family, and our pastors that God is enough for us. We should be content in the Lord (Philippians 4: 12-13). What kind of Christian is not content with God and his son Jesus Christ? It seems blasphemous or prideful to utter the thought that we cannot overcome the adversity in our marriage when God himself invented the holy union. The Bible is clear that marriage is to remain forever intact, unmarred by circumstance. As a result many Christians remain in marriages that are not only unhealthy for themselves but also for the children that resulted from the union. Is Divorce a Sin?
Is the Bible teaching us the black and white rules for life? Can the Ten Commandments be overruled by man? The story in Luke 13:10-17 reveals Jesus Christ healing a woman on the Sabbath. The commandment is clear that Christians are to keep the Sabbath holy. Jesus broke that commandment. It sends the message that the commandments and the teachings are in spirit and not intended to be the letter of the law. Jesus chose to do the right thing by setting the woman free of infirmity.
Chris Gray, Pastor of the Greater Valley First Assembly of God church in Sayre, Pennsylvania, says the belief of the denomination is that marriages should be saved. He sees a fine line between supporting a union and encouraging someone to stay in an abusive situation. He does not believe one person in a marriage should serve as fodder for the other. However, Wade Clauser, Pastor of Hope Baptist church in Herrickville Pennsylvania, fights doggedly through counseling and teaching of the scripture to preserve marriage. Divorce is not an option.
Discussion
This is a good article because we don't discuss in Christian circles the possibility that just maybe the marriage should end. It's always stay no matter what. Change yourself and he'll come around.
I have stayed for 35 years through adultry, alcholism, unemployment due to his actions, not the natural business cycle, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and just plain being alone. The final straw was when he told me if I get sick he hopes I die as he doesn't want to have to take care of me.
Why have I stayed for so lone? Because I would like him to be saved- still even after all of the above. But after soul searching, I really stayed as punishment because I, as a born-again Christian, married an unbeliever. Martyrdom. Live with the consquences of your actions.
So finally....I have come to believe Rom. 3:28, Rom 8:1
And now I just wish to live in peace. Not listening for the front door to open, not waiting for the phone to ring, not arguing about moral, common sense issues.
Oh, this sounds like my home. It took years to decide, but I'm on the way out too. The hardest part is trying to prove to others what was going on. I have given up on that, and am simply leaving. He is too clever.
For the past 6 or so years I have been researching emotional and verbal abuse through every resource available, including 3 years of regular therapy/counseling, all Christian based. I divorced my ex 2 years ago after more than 10 years of marriage, I have custody of our two children, and they still have a very regular relationship with their father. This article absolutely encompasses the feelings of EVERY Christian woman/man in an abusive marriage who knows they don't deserve such treatment but because of fear, confusion and self doubt the victims, who are fantastic mothers/fathers and wives/husbands, remain in these detrimental relationships and tolerating such treatment from their spouse out of what they see as devotion to (faith in) God, and devotion to that spouse. For me...it was the complete loss of hope in my ex after more than enough....Ephesians 5 was the most empowering book of the Bible for me during the time it took to make my decision and act on it. I do not ever post comments but felt very compelled to share today!! God Bless and Keep You
Thank you for your comments. I am speaking Wednesday to a group of clergy and I hope I can impart to them the need to really look inside the marriage before they pat their parish members on the shoulder and send them off to pray about their marriage.
Honey, you don't want to get hit, believe me. The bruises from a physical beating heal far quicker than those received by way of an emotional one, but it is not an alternative you should pray for.
For your sake, you need to leave. I know your faith has you at odds with your heart, but you deserve happiness in your life. I don't think God would want you to live out the rest of your days with someone who so obviously does not love or appreciate you. Love is NOT supposed to hurt, sweetie.
I think you should walk away, don't look back. You can pray over it, and ask for forgiveness. God loves no matter what, and there is nothing HE won't forgive.
Good luck and be blessed
Thank you. I know I didn't REALLY want to get hit but I was looking for a clear sign that what was happening was abuse. Verbal abuse is insidious. When you are inside it the emotion makes it hard to see the truth.
I can see though why she would say that. Hitting makes it clearer, so many people think that when you claim "verbal" abuse they are less inclined to believe you. I mentor women who have been in these types of situations and its almost like no one listens unless you have a bruise.
It is hard.
I think marriage gets a bad rap because people jump into too quickly before they know the other person well enough, Most recently Khloe Kardashian. If you can live together for five years than get married, but after a month.
www.blogtoilet.com
Jenny 4182:
I knew my spouse when I married him. I met him when I was 11 and married him at 20. I KNOW marriage gets a bad rap but in the case I was in it wasn't about being married. It was about being abused.
I think many people don't really take the time to consider (BEFORE marriage) what marriage vows are and what they mean. What ends up happening is that most of the time, one person takes marriage seriously and the other person is selfish or prideful and cares only about his/herself. At the point where any sort of abuse (physical, mental, psychological) the rules that God laid down in the Bible have already been broken. I think there is a good chance of saving a marriage if help is sought in the very beginning, but it seems that many people would rather make excuses until it's completely unbearable.
God may abhor divorce, but I don't think He wants His people suffering at the hands of a spouse.
The fact is that there is cases where God does allow for divorce. Adultery being a instant one. Also Christ commanded the husband to love his wife as Christ loves his people. The husband and wife are to submit themselves unto each other even though the husband is to be the head of the household.
Fact is, Christian husbands can sometimes let pride and other non Christian things cloud there vision and allow that to creep into there marriage.
If a husband is being abusive to his wife, treating her like garbage and doing things to her with intent that is emotionally bringing her down all the time. The husband is therefore no longer being a Christian husband because he is going against the very things that he vowed when married and what Christ commanded him NOT to do.
In other words, God does not expect I wife to sit back and just get the crap beat out of her or to be abused and yet stay in that marriage.
The problem is that divorce has become to easy and way to many people just throw in the towel to soon and that is NOT what God wanted and therefore makes it clear in his word that we are to take marriage as a very serious matter.
With that said, look at all this as a whole. If the husband is going against the will of God and the wife is making every effort to get her husband to respect her as his wife yet he chooses to continue to abuse her. She is not bound to him because all his actions continue to go against that vow and she has become the abused. This is no different then cheating on his wife because it's a constant abuse.
Only two people know for sure just how far the abuse is going but to the Christian women, DO NOT be made to feel that you’re trapped in a marriage by some abusive husband. As long as you try and have done all that you can to get things to change, you have the right to leave him if the abuse is constant and destroying who you are as a woman of God.
Thank you IloveBWL
By the way I read your original comment after I wrote what I did. I realize now that you said pretty much the same thing before me. You get a plus 1 too. : )
Well said and thanks for the scripture verse quote.
Agreed, women are not expected to be mentally abused by there insecure husbands who wish to trap them by the Bible. Jesus himself would not go around talking to people like they were dirt.
This is an interesting article, because for the majority of Christians I know IRL, physical abuse does not justify divorce, either. I've been told by them that the only two Biblical justifications for divorce for Christians is 1.) adultery and 2.) if your spouse is non-Christian and leaves you first.
I don't know about a literal translation, but it seems to me he's very unChristian in his treatment of his wife. Aren't Christians supposed to love one another and be kind? SO, in that case, he violated the marriage first.
Interestingly enough we have an article about religion and divorce
http://yourtango.com/20085213/is-divorce-a-sin
First of all,let me just say I pray for God to continue to be with you and your family during this difficult time. I also know that the scripture says husbands must love their wives with the same love that Christ showed the church and that they ought to love them as they love their own bodies.(Eph. 5:23-32) So,from what you have told us he clearly has not done these things,yet you stuck by him and continued to be the best wife you could be for as long as you could until you had to get out. God loves us and he doesn't want us to be abused and mistreated so I know you did the right thing by getting away. He will take care of everything so don't you worry anymore. May he bless you always.
