Labor Day is your last chance for summer loving, here's how to make it happen.
Hey, summer's almost over, what have you been doing? Seriously? All you've done this summer was see Transformers 2, Julie & Julia and The Final Destination and go to the Grand Canyon? You gotta get crackin', brah. While summer doesn't actually expire until the third week in September, Labor Day is traditionally the last hurrah. It's hard to call it "summer" once football starts.
So, how do you cram an entire summer of loving into a long weekend? "Like a ninja" is how.
Step one: Music. There's nothing like a musical montage to make it seem like something lasts much longer than it really does. The guys over at Uncle Empire have a list of every song with the title "Summertime." It's a good start but you need to also pump all of the jams from the summer of 2009. Including but not limited to: Kid Cudi "Night 'N' Day," any song by Flo Rida, that annoying/catchy song by the Black Eyed Peas, Lady GaGa "Love Game" and the Ting Tings "That's Not My Name." Do not listen to anything else (unless it involves a "poker face" or the consequences of waking up in Las Vegas), if you want in on this summer's zeitgeist.
Step two: Get some sun. You do look a little bit healthier with a touch of color. This comes from a guy who avoids the sun on account of his shame at freckling. But you daywalkers look pretty nice with some color.
Step three: Don't overdo the booze. Frankly, alcohol is the world's greatest social lubricant. But you do not have the luxury of a blackout or a hangover. Chase every drink with an equal or greater volume of water as you pace yourself. Yes, you will break the seal very early. You maybe should have thought of that back in June.
Step four: Clothing. Part of your reluctance to become the "summer you" may have to do with body shame. Don't worry about it. A) I'm told there is summer clothing that flatters all body types. B) See step three for a bit of comfort. C) Everyone looks great naked in the dark. Read: What A Man Sees When You're Naked
Step five: Making your move. If you've had no summer lovin', there is a good chance that you are single. Not to worry. There are plenty of singletons who haven't been nearly aggressive enough this summer or just want to party hardy until they head back to school (or the office or wherever). Do your best to seek out someone who will feel the end of summer most acutely. A lifeguard, a schoolteacher, a student or a camp counselor will do (rent Wet Hot American Summer if need be). Let them know that they have it going on but you only want something for the summer (i.e. this weekend). Be prepared to lower your standards slightly.
Step six: Spend money. Since you've been on the sidelines this summer, you probably have a little expendable cash saved. Be prepared to spend it. Nothing says classy, temporary and sordid like renting a hotel room. A pool is not quite a must-have. Island drinks (the Rum Runner, the Bahama Mama and the Sex On The Beach) or vacation beers (Carib, Red Stripe or Corona) are highly encouraged.
Step seven: Be assertive. B-E assertive. Your summer love window is pulling a Circuit City. Pull out all of the stops and don't let any setbacks deter you. Keep in mind this would have been much easier if you had started back in June with everyone else. If you have any pick-up lines or tricks, now's the time to use them. A personal favorite: claiming that the bartender gave you too many drinks then sharing the wealth. Keep in mind that even a polar bear doesn't weigh enough to break the ice—you need an angle. Read: The Secret Ingredient For Better Sex
Step eight: Protect yourself. You're an adult. You know to use a prophylactic. And you know to tell friends if you're going somewhere. And you know to watch your own drinks lest you wake up without kidneys in a tub full of ice. But you may not know that sand, saltwater, sun, lubricant and condoms sometimes don't play well together. Our buddies at Lemondrop have the definitive guide to beach sex. Listen to them or you may end up like that couple in Dubai.Read: Sex On The Beach A Dubai No-No
Step nine: Come up with a song. If I'm not mistaken, John Travolta and Olivia Newton John won all of their friends over by musically describing their summer lovin'.
Step ten: Start planning for next year. You are going to absolutely kick yourself if you have to pull off some zany, last-second scheme next September. If you were successful in your booty search this year, maybe you could take down your partner's phone number or Facebook. Just make sure that they're familiar with what "summer fling" means.
Any other crucial steps in making your summer love aspirations a reality? Read: Summer Fling Checklist