On feeling nothing....

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On feeling nothing....

Before you start, this might ramble... a lot... and yes, I already know about therapy, thank you.

I can't understand myself sometimes.  I have an awesome guy, and I like almost everything about him.  I think what I donn't like the is his desire to know what goes on in my thinker.  How I feel about things.  What I think about this or that.  How I might feel about something in the future.  He wants to probe the inner machinations of my mind and that's not easy even for me to do.

Sure this is the same Symian who doles out advice like nobody's business, reminding people to know when to stand your ground and know when to walk away, but this is the largest issue I struggle with.  I wasn't brought up to think that my opinion or feelings mattered, what mattered was right and wrong and what was best for other people.  I didn't like when my parent's friends hit me, but it was best to keep my mouth shut or it would get worse.  I didn't feel that I was important as a child, but I learned not to say anything or I'd find out (again) why I felt that way.  I learned that showing feelings was a weakness that would instantly be attacked and growing up and into my early adulthood, I was proven right until I stopped feeling.

Not in the way that people might think  Of course I still have feelings, but I'm no longer able to share them with people except my daughter (because I know that at least for now, she won't judge me, and I don't want her to be ice cold when she's older).  I can't even cry for my dead brother.  Inside, it's like a boiler at capacity.  Every so often I'll be in the car alone and it will start to run over, I'll be overcome with emotion, but I can no longer physically cry not even when I'm alone, I feel like I'm being weak.  Once I notice anything resembling a feeling, it's overtaken by an adreniline rush and then several hours of a tight chest and sometimes a headache.

Now, I've been to the doctor and the therapist and I've been on the medication, but it didn't change anything, so I stopped it all.  Medicine can't change the way I percieve weakness and fragility.  I need to be strong and this is how I do it.   Maybe too strong though.  So strong, that I feel like it's affecting my relationship.

The more he tries to dig out my feelings, the more stoic I become.  God forbid he finds out that I'm human and not a robot.  I've started to feel guilty because I can't put him through this.  I really thought that I was ready to take these next few steps, but I'm physically stressed out because I can't emote.  I wish I could cry right now, but my throat is closing up and there's a piercing pain behind my left eye, maybe my head would explode if I tried to force it out.

August always makes me realize how shut down I've become.  After my brother died, I felt like I died.  I felt guilty that my birthday was 2 days after his death.  That my life was no longer worth the celebration, and it hasn't been celebrated since.  Maybe I'm just reliving that now, it is that time of year.  In 10 days I will be 28.  In eight days it will have been 9 years.  In 2 days it will be my guy's birthday.  I wish I could skip to September.

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