Should I Have Told His Parents That I'm Depressed?
The perils of telling his family about your mental health status.
I could have just said "I don't know" or deflected the question. I didn't have to say anything. But when my boyfriend's parents asked me over a family dinner the other night what I might want write a book about, I answered honestly: my struggles with depression.
Surprised, I think, neither parent said anything in response, which made me feel nervously awkward. But then another relative chimed in with her own depression story. She said when she started taking anti-depressants, she would sleep all day, so I shared that Lexapro used to make me conk out, too. Then the relative kept on talking, and pretty soon, the dinner convo had veered onto other topics entirely.
I'm not ashamed that sometimes I feel unbelievably sad and my life is temporarily derailed. My extended family knows about it, my roommate knows about it, even my boss knows about it. But I woke up the next morning and asked myself, "Did I really just tell my boyfriend's parents that?" The Frisky: Dating Don'ts: What Secrets Should You Reveal In A Relationship?
Parents love me. They've always loved me. On paper, I make a good impression. But peel back a few layers and that's where good dirt about me and my family is hiding.
The juicy stuff was bound to come out sooner or later and, in fact, it kind of had already: on a long car ride alone with my boyfriend's parents, they asked about my older brother and I told them about his struggles with mental illness and drug addiction. And my depression is my truth.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for five months, and early on in our relationship, I told him about the hand that I've been dealt by genetics. He has been as accepting and as loving as any woman could hope. We moved in together this past weekend and we know we want to marry each other in the next few years. Both of our parents more or less know we feel this way about each other. Even if I still want to make a good impression, his mom and dad should know the full story about their future grandkids' mom, shouldn’t they? The Frisky: We're Moving In Together—After Three Months
Maybe yes, maybe no. As I thought harder about it, a lot of my old insecurities surfaced again. I'm not naive—I know depression conjures up unflattering mental images, and rightly so. It's a messy illness and it can be hard on relationships and families. Maybe telling his parents was a dumb idea. Maybe I should have waited until I knew them a lot longer. Maybe I'll get sick again and they'll think I'm damaged…weak…crazy…not worth the trouble…and then I'll go and prove them right.
Discussion
I would tell them the truth, it's easier than lying. You are who you are no matter what. I agree with "he had to learn how to be loving and accepting like that from somewhere..."
I can relate to your feelings of uncertainty when disclosing this kind of information since I too have a long family history on both parents sides of mental illness as well as family and personal history of drug use. All of which I have slowly begun to disclose with my boyfriend's parents.
I too have dealt with depression as long as I can remember. It became recognized when I was in grade school. I think the first grade was when they diagnosed me as "Emotinally Disturbed"and suffering with Childhood depression. I spiraled out of control hitting rock bottom in 2005-2006. I was getting "f****d up" any way that I could. I wouldn't speak to my friends or my family and I wouldn't get out of bed most days. I quit my job, and school. I gained an insane amount of weight which didn't help the depression at all.
I came to visit my brother for Christmas and I just never went back. I left my old life completley, this of course is not always a helathy choice and we can't just bail on life any and every time that thigs aren't going our way but I realized I just wasn't happy and there was no way out of the situation staying where I was.
Its been a year and a half now and I realized that therapists and drugs and prescription drugs can't make you happy, the only way to feel happy is to be happy. Ive heard all of my life that you can't keep your feelings to yourself, you have to let things out. I agree partially but if we mona and groan all the time about how unhappy we are we show it and we feel sorry for ourselves and then we are just worse off than we started. I'm not saying to hide how you feel but I am saying that telling everyone how we feel makes it worse. The best thing that ever hapned to me was realizing I could be happy if I wanted. To shut out the feelings of being unwanted or hating myself. If they get too extreme I write it all down in my journal and I don't hold back I write every feeling I have down, then I do my best to FEEL happy and it works.
Feeling happy is entirley up to ourselves. I always thought therapists psychologists and prescriptions were the only way to fix me. I was wrong. It helps me feel even happier to know that I FIGURED IT OUT ON MY OWN, they didn't tell me that was the way out of the depression.
It makes me feel better about me to know that I fixed me.
Ive also lost 170lbs. 360lbs was the peak of my overweight depression high and today I sit here typing comfortably happy at my weight of 190lbs.
It really made my day today to hear of someone else that realized depression can be faught on our own.. No Psychologists and Therapists and Prescriptions.
although unlike you I have yet to tell my boyfriend of seven months that I still fight the depression. He thinks I overcame it but the truth is I don't think you can ever completley overcome it. I still deal with it daily. I just don't whine about it outloud anymore I simply jot it all down.
I think that you did the right thing. As long as you don't wallow in self pity, and let them know that you're dealing with it, then there's no shame in telling them. They seemed to accept you, so this is something that makes you all the more human.
I'd like to say its what I would have done if I were in your shoes, but as I truly have no means of understanding where you are coming from emotionally I really couldn't say if I'd actually have the courage to.
That said, I still agree that it was the right thing to do. On top of that, these are the 2 parents who raised a truly loving man who you cherish and accepts you completely...he had to learn how to be loving and accepting like that from somewhere...
It is tough but I feel as if you have to. This will give them context about certain symptomatic behavioral patterns you might exhibit. I think people understand depression is an issue that anyone can end up having to deal with. It shouldn't make them think you are any less of a person.
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