Last night after sitting miserably bored out of my mind, I got online and was soon attacked by what seemed every guy that I had feelings for in the past year. My boyfriend, Ben, started texting me while two of my ex's that I'm still friends with started chatting it up on aim. This I could handle, but then my best friend, Cock Block who earned his nickname by calling me at the worse possible times, called to tell me his drama about one of his close friends wanting to shag him even though he's a married man. This always seemed to be a constant problem for Cock Block and several friends at school classified him as a man whore despite his wife and 2 year old daughter. He goes through girls faster than I go through hair styles and I'm always changing it up. I love him dearly, but I've never felt anything more than friendship towards Cock Block. We share our turmoil in wanting what we can't have and are always constant companions in our love of sketchy rock bands lol.
So things weren't going too bad but then my Achilles heel popped up. James was everything I couldn't have. I'd spent several long nights tossing and turning trying to figure him out and talking to Cock Block. James is a good bit older than me so it makes my usual confidence fall away. We had started out being friends and talking while we watched House at night. We got into a routine of talking and soon I realized that I liked him. As things would go I eventually told him of my feelings and I got nothing in return. No date, no more talking like we used to. I waited around pining after him then Ben came along and changed things. James still gets some feelings out of me, but its not like it used to be. We hadn't talked in over a month when he started talking to me last night. We talked about how busy he was and it made me realize that things with him would never work out.
He loves his job and its a time consuming one. I'm almost certain that he has feelings for me too, but he doesn't have time for it. All our friends swear we'd make a good couple and that he doesn't act the same when I'm around. But for whatever reason, he's not made his move and I think he's let it pass him up. I'm very much in love with my boyfriend and understand better what I want from a man. I don't know if I could take second place to someone's career to the point of them not wanting to make time to hang out. I'm not saying that's what James is feeling or whatever, but if someone I'm with doesn't care enough to try and make time for me why should I be making time for them?
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Anyways, I'm happy where things are now. I'm trying to mend things with James and get our easy friendship back and repress my feelings for him. Ben knows about James to an extent and doesn't hold it against me at all which only makes me appreciate him more. The first couple months of dating Ben I worried constantly that it would mess things up with James, but Ben is there when James isn't. Ben makes time for me, he's not afraid to make a move, and is everything that James is not.
And I have strayed far from my original topic. Oh the meanderings of my mind lol :)