Are Apologies Enough After Domestic Abuse?
Chris Brown issued an apology for assaulting Rihanna, but is more needed to end the abuse cycle?
After being accused of assaulting his then-girlfriend Rihanna, Chris Brown recently pleaded guilty to felony assault charges. While the assault occurred back in February, not much was heard from the Brown camp until now. The R&B singer issued a video apology where he accepted responsibility, expressed remorse and promised to take steps to prevent a repeat performance. Read: The Real Reason For Chris Brown's Apology
Rihanna was able to pull away Brown, making his apology a little different than those of many other abusers as he is not an imminent threat to her. In his apology, Brown admitted fault, apologized to both her and his fans and stated that he is seeking counseling. While he is definitely trying to win back public favor, the apology also felt sincere as Brown appeared both embarrassed and remorseful.
It can be argued whether Brown's apology was sincere or a ploy to win back fans. The bigger question is, how much good does an apology do in a domestic violence situation? Rihanna was able to ditch Brown after he assaulted her, but many women who suffer from domestic abuse do not have the same power. Read: Rihanna Wants To Remain Friends With Chris Brown
For these women, is an apology enough or is more action needed to ensure that the abuse won't continue? According to Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Center, the abuser goes through a cycle of abuse that includes six stages: abuse, guilt, rationalization, normal behavior, fantasy and planning, and the set-up. During the guilt stage, the abuser often apologizes to his victim as a means to side-step real punishment.
Discussion
Rianah was very fortunate because many of us who had to fight on our own, in secresy not having the support of family while making the desision between life vs. death is the most hardest desision to make. Especialy when children are involved. Im a mother of three god sent children that I love so much. And going thru the aftermath of my past relationship with baby father. I dnt agree with getting to deep into the fats why men abuse women,mothers, girlfriends,ex's,etc... but I do believe in not blamming the victom,especially when the history has to do with how old the victom was when they became one, a family, united in marriage, and soul tied. So, many things to unwine and no time to react in a manner suitable to the courts,because of the emotional toll that arises at the time of bieng faced with who you thought was your All. I wish there was a way to send out alerts to young girls who are in abusive relationships to give them vision because when your in the middle of eye of that storm the only voice you hear is your partners you dont even hear yourself. The person that should mater the most and whos voice should be on full blast. There is no way that apoligize can heal the physical or emotional harm done because by the time your partner or former partner is appoligizing your puzzling your life together while you witness how fast it is for them to do it to somebody else and you get the best piece of it if you have children you get the uncondional love experience and even if you dont have children you still experience the unconditional love and even more some because now you get your life back
I understand the crucial point that Joy is trying to make. In order to get to the bottom of abuse we must get to the root of the problem within abuse including why abusers feel the need to abuse.
I don't agree with Joy that "most" men are truly sorry... how is she to know?... what do statistics say? Statistics talk about the repeat abuses... There are numerous books about abuse - physical and verbal abuse (which frequently escalates into physical abuse) that indicate there is a terrible cycle, as stated in the article, Cycles that are difficult for the abuser to break out of without serious intervention by professional counselors. As Queenester stated, counseling or salvation are the only ways these abuser change..and it requires a willingness to do a lot of hard work to get better at relationships. USUALLY, if there is physical abuse, it was pre-empted by verbal or emotional abuse. Patricia Evans is an excellent author on the subject, Lundy Bancroft (male author) as well has excellent experience on the subject.
Re post from Joy, The abuser may have fears, and yes, there is room for compassion for the abusers, because they were usually in abusive childhoods, but it is so important that woman demand these men to get the help they need before they commit to the relationship further. The abuser will continue with the behaviors that they are allowed to get away with. It is up to their partners to set the boundary up and demand the respect they deserve. Unfortunately, many women do not have the healthy boundaries up, either, and they set themselves up to be abused - even unwittingly, because of her own fears or feelings of inadequacy. Signs every woman/young woman/girl should be wary of in their relationships are indications of verbal or emotional abuse - if they feel continually "controlled" or put down in anyway, it should be a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship... Physical abuse is easy to identify and define...what is difficult to define and identify is the verbal or emotional abuse...it is much more subtle and just as damaging, if not more so. The abuser manipulates his way around the relationship by apologizing (insincerely), patronizing, placating, only to continue to degrade and control the relationship.
A truly repentent person will commit to seeking out help...Just as an addict needs to admit their addiction, an abuser needs to be able to admit their faults...not something that comes very easily to an abuser, let alone get the help they need (God forbid they would admit they need counseling!!! - usually they will blame everyone else for their anger issues....)
Even very smart women can find themselves invovled in an abusive relationship...
check out relationship 180 also for how couples interact - very interesting.
Best to all -
I am a survivor of serveral abusive relationships and I can attest to the fact that these men do not change unless there is either counseling or salvation. They don't know how to change and they continue until one of the other is dead or one leaves the relationship. I minister at a female prison and I hear from women who have killed either their spouse or boyfriend. Only about a couple of months ago, one enter the prison who shot her husband four times for abusing her. Thanks be to God, he didn't die or she would have been facing murder charges. Women are beginning to fight back more than ever because of this type of violence. But the real result is that if a spouse or boyfriend hit once or call names once, it only escalates. There is always a peak in escalation.
Joy-- That is an amazing and absolutely spot on response. It describes the psychology of the apology in any form. An apology is nothing more than an expression of guilt, not a promise or an action toward making a future change.
One must be willing to accept an apology for what it is. That acceptance is for past acts only, not a promise to continue a relationship. One can accept an apology and end the relationship, or one can accept the apology and place restrictions on the continuance of the relationship. In the case of physical abuse, an apology can never be enough.
Again Joy, well said!
That's not entirely true. MOST abusive men feel genuine regret and guilt after losing their temper and hitting their partner. When they say they are sorry and they will never do it again, they actually mean it. Unfortunately, the insecurities and fears take over which causes them to reoffend. They don't apologies to avoid punishment, they apologize because they feel bad. That feeling bad just makes them more full of self-hatred and more likely to hit the woman again. It's all based on their insecurity and fear.
Abusive men hit woman because they are afraid. Afraid of being rejected, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of being cheated on, afraid of not being a man. The woman becomes a threat through no fault of her own and the abuser snaps.
I question the credentials of the woman in this article if she does not realize the source of most abuse.
I agree with you sooo much joy. What needs to happen is repentance needs to take place, in which if one is not ready to change, repentance is not in the pic. Apologizing is a part of repentance, but when one truly repents, the action never happens again. I mean, it never happens again. These men need some serious help...I mean help in the most chilling way.
