How To Ace The "What Are We?" Talk
3 tips for navigating the relationship talk with the one you really want.
After you spend a certain amount of time with a companion, inevitably, you must have the "What About Us?" relationship talk. You can tell your guy is ready to have "the talk" if suddenly you find that instead of spending one weeknight and one weekend night hanging out together you're suddenly seeing each other every-other-day (at that he even lets slip the occassional phrase that he'd like to spend even more time with you). Will Living Together Ruin Your Relationship?
He may also start mentioning other women in an attempt to gauge your reaction and get a sense of how much you care. Think: He went out without you on Saturday (no biggie, you're not officially dating, right?) and fills you in the next morning on the woman who blatantly hit on him on the dance floor. Hmm, are you... jealous? inquisitive? watchful over your man, ahem, friend?
First things first. Why is this an important step in the relationship process (even if you decidely do not want any strings attached)? Well, two things, really. The first is that each person wants to know what to expect and how much to invest emotionally in whatever you two have going on. Spending increasingly more time together is a sign of progress, but to what end is unknown until it is spoken. A simple, heartfelt and direct "defining" moment can set the course straight and let each person's objectives and desires be known.
Secondly, no one wants to get hurt. If each person clearly knows where he or she stands then this is a solid step to avoiding the quashing of anyone's feelings (whether intentional or not). Here are three tips to keep in mind when navigating the "How About Us?" talk toward the outcome you desire.
1) Don't be caught off-guard. Pay attention to the signs. If you're increasingly spending more time together and more questions are arising about the other people with whom you attend activities (aka, are they single or married?) then, honey, the talk is looming on the horizon. Be prepared. Take some time on your own to think about where you see this going and be able to articulate what you want and need to be happy in a relationship.Dating Background Check
2) Be a straight shooter. Talking about feelings is never easy, especially if this is new conversation territory with your guy. It's easy to shy away and be bashful. But try and resist the urge. If you like the guy and want more, let him know. If you like the guy but don't see it going anywhere, let him know. If you're confused as all get out, but are still having a ball, let him know. Communication is the key to opening all doors and is one heckuva strong note on which to start any relationship (or friendship, for that matter).
Discussion
I believe that things will just fall into place...if it's the right person. ...both parties will just know.
One or the other may be more guarded and I do think it is far best to lay down ground rules early on what a person expects from the other....ie...respect,consideration and "yes" the exclusivity word...top of the list is "communication"...talk..talk..talk..
I'm guilty of this, but i feel like people tend to bail out of a relationship the minute it makes them upset and it becomes something they didn't want or expect. True, it's hard to stick it out and work through stuff, but I've come to realize that i don't want to spend the rest of my years going from one person to another having to learn someone new all over again. that's been my frustration.
all so very true.. at some point it has either become blatently obvious that it's an exclusive relationship and the where fromhere talk just happens.... or you have had plenty of bad experiences and are afraid to burst the bubble of what it is in case you are wrong in the assumptions of the others feelings... face it, at some point it's happened to plenty of us! the I'm falling!!! oops, they weren't there to catch me... it's all in feeling it out... problem is I always mess it up when it comes to me, i can never see the forest there's all these trees in the way!
I can absolutely relate! Although a woman, I have a man friend in my life right now. He's a great person, honest, helpful, funny, and smart. I 'm just not physically attracted to him. How can I tell him that? I keep holding on to his friendship hoping that my feelings toward him physically will change, but they haven't so far. It's been two months, and I can't envision kissing or being touched by him. He does not push the issue, or bring up the "feelings" talk, yet I don't ever want to give him or any other man false hope. Any suggestions?
I think you should just tell him straight up! that why you're not giving him any mix signals. This will also bring home the fact that you two will never be anything more than friends. Then you two can finally move on. If you're having separation anxiety (you feel like you really miss him and you're wondering what you've done), just distance your self for a time. You'll get over it. Facts are facts and to ignore them will only hurt you both. Don't delay the inevitable. I feel like you should make it know quickly. Good Luck!!
Ugh, feelings. Hate talking about them. It's like getting teeth pulled. Worse, actually. The last time I had teeth pulled they gave a face full of laughing gas, so it was much better than having a relationship "talk."
I'm still not a fan of the "we need to be exclusive" talk. Exclusivity should come about naturally ... why do we need to force it?
This is exceptionally solid advice. I am going to have to keep this in my pocket for my next DTR (Define The Relationship) talk.
One thing that still bothers me. As a woman, I feel like I'll always remain apprehensive about being the one to initiate this conversation. Media inundates us with memes that men avoid it like the plague, and that the only time a relationship will ever go anywhere is if HE is the one to take charge. Ridiculous, indeed.
I think it's a good idea to set the ground rules pretty early about what you each expect from the relationship so there are no curve balls.
This may not work out for many or seem particularly sane, but I've never cared for the "suprise" talk...when it just kind of comes out nowhere and in a place that really isn't conducive to having the talk.
I like to give a little warning with some prep time. I've done it before and I like the results I've gotten. When I feel that something needs to be discussed, some issue or what-not, I let my SO, FWB, whatever, know that I need to talk with them. I'll let them know, briefly, what its about -where are we going, current state of affairs I find troubling between us, why do you keep stealing the sheets(joke) - and let them know that I don't want to discuss it now but in a couple of days when we have a couple hours free and clear to sit and discuss this to our heart's content in a place that is conducive to us speaking freely.
I schedule the talk for a couple reasons.
1) I've of course been mulling it over a lot in my head and have need of expressing those thoughts, but she may not have been giving it as much thought, or have not really formed a solid idea of the situation and now has time to really think about it, to get her thoughts together.
2) Scheduling it also gives us both time to process the emotional responses that come up around the topic. This is the really hard part. Emotions will come into play regardless of how much time you give to prep for a serious talk, but how much you let those emotions run the conversation can be lessened by taking the time to understand how you really feel about the topic. We need to be able to express those feelings but not let them run or take over the conversation...that can lead to an escalation of negative emotions because this is all coming out of left field and we almost always start to get really defensive and closed off the second we hear there is a problem to be discussed.
3) It gives time to set some ground rules if you haven't done so already. Its important that both people are given the chance and the time to say everything they need to. No interuptions or anything like that. Its not a blame game either.
I know this falls more under long term relationship communication material, but its also the way that I handle short term stuff. Regardless of the nature of the relationship it doesn't mean that I have carte-blanche to treat someone any less civily or humanely then if it were a long term relationship. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I love this idea--you're right on about the emotions getting the best of you and needing time to process them before being able to talk clearly about what you're feeling.
@Ethan Lascity, it's all well and good if you both want to be exclusive. The problem is that sometimes one person wants to be exclusive and the other doesn't and it's not always obvious to the person who wants to be in a relationship that that's not the direction you're heading. To be fair to both parties and make sure no one gets hurt you gotta have the talk.
