A few weeks ago I wrote about how I wasn't sure if I was really ready to be dating again, that I was still dealing with the lingering effects of my last relationship in which my fiance ended things suddenly.
"...I desperately fear, in all sincerity, that I will never again find someone who loved me like my ex-fiance did. And that even if I do, they will likely leave me the way he did. Isn’t that pathetic?"
A friend of mine emailed me, specifically about that line, saying it wasn't what she expected to hear me say.
"I stumbled over that part a few times as it didn't make sense. I expected it to read:
'Because I desperately fear, in all sincerity, that I will only meet men who love me the way my ex-fiance did.' Or 'Because I desperately fear, in all sincerity, that I will never meet a man who treats me better than my ex-fiance did.'
I know you may argue that he treated you great until the surprise ending but...it stuck out to me that maybe there is something in that sentence to help you get to the bottom of this."
I thought a lot about what she said and definitely recognize that a lot of the pain associated with my breakup has to do with my own internal struggle over what I "deserve" and my faith in finding it.
Today I found out the truth about something I already suspected. I learned that my ex, who I spent nearly five years with and almost married, lied to me, multiple times to my face, about having an inappropriate relationship with a female coworker. During the initial part of our break, which lasted exactly three months from mid-September to mid-December of 2008, I was under the impression that my ex had our eventual reunion in mind, after he worked through various issues with the help of a therapist. That he hoped, in the end, that we would get back together. He didn't know if that was where we would end up, but that's what he told me he hoped. And I believed him. Poll: What Counts As Cheating?
Believing him meant that I supported his decision to move out of our apartment; it meant that I took on the full time care of our dog; it meant that I grieved for the (at that time, I thought temporary) loss of our relationship all by myself. I believed he would eventually make his way back to me, because I naively though that's what he ultimately wanted too.