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Picking up the pieces, slowly.

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Picking up the pieces, slowly.

"I want a divorce." It was the four words I had been choking over for two and half months until I finally worked up the nerve to tell my husband that I was no longer in love with him. We were too young when we got married and had every single statistic against us. I thought I could try. I thought what I was going through was normal. I thought that being unhappy is just something that you "deal" with, and eventually it would go away. I thought that crying yourself to sleep on the couch everynight and no sex for months at a time was normal. I finally snapped, I couldn't take it anymore. Our life was ruled by the military and hands down to all of you military couples out there that have beat the odds, but the lifestyle was not for me. I couldn't stand the long hours at work, the constant worry of when he would be deployed again, him always being tired from work. And then there was the fact that we basically lived as roommates. I am not sure what did it in for me honestly, I remember one morning I woke up and thought to myself, when was the last time you truly could say you loved your life. And I started crying when I couldn't remember the last time I was happy. It wasn't that I missed being single, it wasn't that I wanted someone else, I just wanted to be happy again, to be able to breathe again.
I was so scared to tell him how I felt. Everytime I thought about bringing up the subject I felt like a failure. I felt like I was letting everyone that had ever done anything for us down, our families, our pets, our friends. I didn't know how to tell him. One night, as he came into the bedroom to get his pillow to sleep on the couch, I broke down and told him "I don't love you anymore." I wasn't sure if he felt the same way, or as bad as I did, or if he wanted the same thing. He wouldn't look at me anymore after that. He just went to sleep. He was gone by the end of the weekend. He moved in with a friend, and eventually back to the barracks. I had to box up the remains of "our life" alone. He said we could try counseling, but couldn't make time for it. I wasn't sure what to do. It was the first time I had ever been in this situation.
Everything I have learned up until now has taught me so much about myself. I have learned things about my life, myself, my friends, and my family that I never knew. I figured out that its ok to admit that you're not happy. I figured out that you are responsible for your own happiness. I figured out that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. I figured out who my true friends were. I could go on and on and on and on. I wouldn't classify my divorce as a "nasty" divorce, after all it only took sixty days to finalize and we had no children, and I thought that it would make it easier, but divorce is never easy. All I can say now when I look back on the whole situation is you can't turn down or tune out that voice in your head that tells you if this is what's right for you or not. Don't try to mold yourself into a life that keeps you up at night, crying yourself to sleep, stressing out, these things don't have to be like that. Happiness is what you make it.

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