Michael Jackson: The First Man I Ever Loved
Michael Jackson, remembered.
You never forget your first love. Whether it's your first crush, your first kiss, or the first time you even noticed boys existed, you always remember the joy they filled you with. The guys that come later bring to mind complicated, adult feelings like pain and heartache, but that first love is pure and perfect, especially in hindsight.
My first love was a celebrity. I grew up with MTV, watching Madonna roll around in a bridal gown and Billy Idol dancing with himself on a dingy roof. But there was one man I loved from the very first time that I heard him sing: Michael Jackson.
I can't tell you the moment I first saw him or the day I decided I loved him. I was about five years old and, in addition to my cast albums of Annie and Grease, I regularly put Thriller on my Fisher Price record player in my yellow bedroom in Brooklyn, New York. I have no sense of rhythm so I never attempted to learn the "Thriller" dance. I would just run around my room, jumping on the bed and singing "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'."
Every night after I said my prayers I would kiss Michael goodnight. He was my first poster, all dapper in his yellow sweater promoting the Thriller album. I had the same picture on a folder that I put my homework in, and I made my parents tape not only the Thriller video but also the making-of special that MTV ran.
When I got a little older I watched The Jackson 5 cartoon on Saturday mornings, listened to Off The Wall in my Fisher Price tape player. I listened to that tape so much that it became warped and Michael sang "Rock With You" verrrrry slowly. I found it last night in my music collection after I heard the tragic news of his passing.
When I learned that Michael Jackson had died I was in a car driving to my mother's house. I pulled over to the side of the road and started sobbing. I had never met him, never been to a concert and probably had stopped listening to his music after Dangerous came out in the late '90s. I cried because what came rushing back was that image of Michael watching over me as I fell asleep as a child. All of the crazy stories, the lawsuits, the surgeries . . . it all disappeared. All I felt was love, the same clear, innocent love I felt when I was five. I will never experience that kind of love again. Michael Jackson's Greatest Love Songs
I dried my eyes and pulled out my Thriller CD (sitting in my car with all of my favorite albums), popped it in and went to track 7 and listened to Michael sing "Human Nature." He may have left this world, but he will never leave my life. He's the first man I ever loved and he left a wealth of brilliant music for me to remember him by. I love you still Michael. God bless you and keep you in his grace until you are reunited with those you love.
Discussion
MJ, for whatever else he was, gave us something that we all love and enjoy: his music. And that music, whether we felt passionate about it or distantly enjoyed it, it is still part of us and our personal and national psyche. And when something or someone you love passes (the music or the man), I think that is it more than okay to shed some tears.
Lovely tribute, NP!
I agree with the first blogger I could have wrote that story.. i loved Michael Jackson and even after dangerous I was still hanging in there. When i was younger I had posters,pursses,t-shirts, shoestrings and about anything that had michael jackson on it. I feel the same thing about his music no matter what anyone else says about his life and some of his strange habits i will always love Michael and I can relive my love for him everytime i listen to any of his songs....
Oh wow, Nicole. Except for a few minor details, I could have written this myself. I adored him as a child. I had an MJ doll, posters, videos, and of course albums and tapes. He was the soundtrack to my childhood and I feel like a part of my childhood died along with him. I hope he now finds the peace he was always searching for .... he's now moonwalking in the sky!
I too played Thriller endlessly as a child, and, you said it NP, he was the first man I ever loved. I don't doubt it's why I still tend to seek men who are ambitious, innovative, gorgeous, and who practice their crafts with precision.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful essay. This man made being a little girl in the '80s something really special.
what an absolutely beautiful, poignant tribute. your essay encapsulates the feelings of love, connection and lack of judgment that are being manifest by the throngs of people congregating at the Apollo, at the Motown Studio in Detroit, his home in Bel Aire, etc etc. it is truly incredible the kind of impact his rare and powerful music has made on people. thanks NP!
