10 Dating Mindsets Sabotaging Your Love Life
A new book helps you overcome potential dating pitfalls.
It's easy to lose yourself over a man, but what if it happens before you even meet him? Ill-fated past relationships may have already warped your dating personality and consequently sabotaged your future with someone else. Read: Why He Dumped You: 5 Potential Reasons
In her latest book, Ms. Typed: Discover Your True Dating Personality and Rewrite Your Romantic Future, Dr. Michelle Callahan says she has the cure for women whose dating characteristics no longer accurately reflect who they truly are. The seasoned psychologist has formulated 10 dating archetypes that women fall into after too many relationships gone wrong:
Ms. Second Place: The accommodating, eager-to-please dater who eventually ends up playing second fiddle to her man's career, hobbies or even wife. This chronic "settler" has lost sight of her self-worth after too many relationships in which she gives way to his needs every time. As a result, she suffers from low confidence and low expectations.
How she might have got here: "Men you've dated may have tried to convince you that you should go along with whatever they wanted, otherwise they wouldn't date you." Read: The Settling Debate
Ms. Sex Machine: This woman is Sex and The City's Samantha Jones in a nutshell. She uses sex for fun, for control, for everything except a healthy relationship. She brings in the physical before she is ready for the emotional and ends up attracting the type of men who will only treat her like a booty call.
How she might have got here: "You and your friends' earliest dating experiences with boys were sexual. And you grew to expect that sex would be an early and required part of all dating relationships."
Ms. Soul Mate: She is the idealist after watching peers getting hitched before her. Ms. Soul Mate dates as if every man could be "the one," and is so determined to settle down, she insists on commitment too soon. After a failed relationship, she is often struck with dread that an ex might have been "the one."
How she might have got here: "You grew up fantasizing about the day when you would be able to start your own family. Then you could get the love and affection you may have missed as a child, or you could finally be the most important person in someone's life."
Discussion
I really enjoy that you used classification style that is very unique and original. I know about a few of the archetypes you describe. If a woman really wants to avoid trait-based pitfalls in romantic relationships, then i would venture that she should order your book even though i have not read it. Bravo on the originality of your character schematics!
I'm not any of these women. I just like enjoying life on my terms. Where is Ms. I'm okay with not having a boyfriend because I'm having such a great time doing other things right now?
I think this is a great list and hope that the book gives good tips on how to overcome these issues. When I was single I could have been several of these women and without some assistance I'm sure I'd still be there. It's good to point out the types, I'm curious what the advice is to fix them.
Trying to keep the perfectionism I bring to my career (and before that to my education) out of my personal life is the struggle of my 20s. I assume expecting too much out of other people goes along with that one?
Hah! Good call, Q. It's never so black and white, it seems like most PEOPLE (not just women) have many parts of these archetypes. How much do you have to tweak what's natural (or has become natural) to your character before you're able to have "healthy" relationships? Maybe this is what Seinfeld meant when he said that 95% of the population is undateable.
On an only sort of related note, I'm really hoping that we can replace all Sex And The City archetypes with Golden Girls. There's nothing that Samantha could even think of that Blanche Devereaux hasn't tried with the single, retirees of South Florida. Thank you for being a friennnnnnnnd!
If you're not into the Golden Girls, may I suggest Designing Women? I would put a Sugarbaker woman up against any of the SATC gals. (I know, that is such a Delta Burke thing to say.)
Wow, I am shocked to exactly how many of these stereotypes I actually am! Let me list them: Ms. Perfect, Ms. Rose Color Glasses, Ms. Drama Queen, Ms. Bag Lady, Ms. Independent, Ms. Soul Mate, Ms. Sex Machine, and Ms. Second Place. It's amazing how I have been so many with different men and at different times. Sheesh!
i have a friend that reminds me a lot of ms. second place. so tough when you're so eager to please but ya just gotta be willing to dial it back.
for any of you with friends like that, TELL THEM what a problem it is.
also - need to have Ms. Talker on the list. I ahve a friend who is awesome but i think she scares guys off b/c she is such a talker that it can be overwhelming.
I can relate to the neglecting yourself in favor of your relationships part of Ms. Mom. I can also affirm that writing things down can be incredibly helpful. Oftentimes people are full of emotion and don't have clear thoughts. Writing forces you to clarify what you're thinking.
While i can agree with having met, and possibly dated, each of these archetypes, I really hope that the book gives deeper explanations for how these ladies got there. At the same time i wonder if the book advocates that if you really do identify with any of these types then you may want to seek counseling.
