7 Mistakes That Prolong The Misery Of A Breakup
Getting over an ex means cutting off communication.
Breaking up is hard to do. What can be even more difficult than the actual split is the aftermath: getting over the loss and trying to start fresh. Many people can get stuck after a breakup by finding excuses to stay in contact with their former lover.
In her new book, Getting Past Your Breakup, Susan J. Elliot says that a rule of "No Contact" with an ex is necessary to fully heal and grieve after a tough breakup. Although she understands how difficult this notion can be (she has personal experience in the department of contacting exes), she says, "in order to truly get past your breakup, you need to separate emotionally, physically, and psychologically from the relationship, and the primary way to do that is to stop talking to your ex."Read: Stay Together or Break Up? How To Decide Now
In her blog, GettingPastYourPast, Elliot learned from people who struggled with contacting exes. She found seven major excuses that we use in order to rationalize remaining in touch.
1. Why can't we be friends? This sounds nice but in reality an ex does not make a true friend, especially immediately after the breakup.
2. I must have closure. Closure can be difficult to obtain no matter how many conversations one has. The best closure can come from resisting the urge for dialogue and moving on.
3. I just need to make sense of it all, and I just have one more thing to say before you go. Another version of closure and another reason to stay in contact when in reality this just gives your ex another opportunity to hurt you. Not fun.
4. I want to be available for reconciliation. Wanting to get back together is a fair feeling to have. Even if you do end up reconciling, the relationship will undoubtedly be different. It is still important to take some time without speaking in order to mourn the relationship and contemplate how you really feel.
5. I just need to give his stuff back. Do it quickly, in the first couple days. After that, use one of our many mail services.
6. I'm just so horny. And your ex is familiar because you know him or her (and it won't increase your "number"). But again, this is just prolonging the inevitable and will keep you stuck in the past. Time to cut off the ex and find someone new (or maybe even just yourself) to get jiggy with.
Discussion
I would give him an ultimatum - its you or her!!! This can never work. Whose to say this wont happen again. Me and my "ex" had a simular problem. His previous girlfriend stil called and texted him at first it was no problem until she started screaming at me on the street and abusing me. He still continued to speak to her & tell her my business(when my father died he confided in her). I told him several times to choose - he always "chose" me but secretely spoke to her - so hence him being an ex. 2 years of this and it didn't end. To this day he stil speaks to her so theres his choice there. I couldn't deal with it & i'm 100% certain there is someone better out there for you - who will only have eyes & a heart for you. On the other hand if you feel you can put up with this & trust him again not to do this then do what makes you happy... But what if theres another her when she's gone, I am a firm believer in leopords never changing there spots, if they get away with it once they think they wil again.
I don't know if I've been of much help to you, but do bear all this in mind.
Best of luck in whatever you choose hokuspokiss39. X
can someone please help me. I will accept men and womens veiws, opions and advice. I just dont know what to do. Heres my issue. Iam eleven years older than my boyfreind and we have been together for four years. For a year now are relationship has been rocky., due to financial hardships, illness,deaths in our family, and our work schedules. Just recently he came to me and told me it was over. I had a gut feeling there was a women involved in this and pressed him for more infromation. He told me about his freind at work, that he had been confiding in about his issues with me, are problems and him self. He thought i was cheating on him and instead of confronting me about it he started something with her. He told me that he developed feelings for her and wanted to explore what they were. For a month these two had heated conversations of a sexual nature and she was giving him confusing advice about us and me. She took advantage of his situation with me and ran with it. He confronted her on this asked what she was doing to him and what she wanted. She told him to talk to me and that she had a comfy situation at home she didnt want to deperdize or loose. So he came back to me and told me he wanted to start over. He said he didnt want to throw four years away after all we"ve been thru and what me mean to each other he said we owed it to each other to try to make it work. Sorry for the war and peice novel. Hers my issue. He still wants to be freinds with her after all this mess and i dont feel its right after her involvement in this and the feelings he develop for her. He exspects me to beleive those feelings can go away overnight and he has to look at her every day because they work together. Am i wrong to be mad at that and him for still wanting a freindship with her. It feels like a slap in the face. How can i rebuild trust in him if he wont let go of her. How are we supposed to make this work if shes still in the picture. I need help. How do we start rebuilding we cant go back to the way we were in the begining to many things have happened. All i want is for us to be lovey and close again like it used to be. Will it take time to put that back? do i need to give him space and back off abit.? I miss that so much and the more i press him for that attention the more moody and distance i make him. So my question is this. Do i let him come to me? do i act like buisness as usual? AAAHHH! How do i fix this? anyone have any suggestions? Thank you for listening
I WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU i HAD A SIMILAR SITUATION AND I CAN SAY THIS IF HE IS MOODY WHEN YOU TRY TO GET BACK WITH HIM OR TRY TO GET HIM TO LET HER GO THEN I BELIEVE THIS MEANS HE IS EITHER NOT GOING TO LET HER GO OR IS NOT READY AND MAY NEVER BE READY BUT IF HIS LOVE IS NOT THERE FOR YOU WHERE IT SHOULD BE THEN AND HARD AS IT IS YOU NEED TO MOVE ON BECAUSE EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU GOT HIM BACK CHANCES ARE HE IS STILL TALKING TO HER OR WORSE AND YOU HAVE GOT TO ASK YOURSELF DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE THIS PAIN OR END IT NOW IF HE CANT COMMIT TRUTHFULLY AND HONESTLY TO YOU RIGHT NOW AND EVEN THOUGH THE PAIN WILL BE GREAT IT WILL BE NOTHING COMPARED TO YEARS OF AGONY IF YOU LET THIS CONTINUE REMEMBER YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON AND DO NOT DESERVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS BUT ONLY YOU CAN PUT A STOP TO IT ,IT WILL NOT BE EASY I GRANT YOU BUT WITH NO COMMITMENT ON HIS PART IT CAN NEVER WORK NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY AND BACKING OFF ,NO WAY BECAUSE IF YOU DO THIS YOU WILL EMPOWER HIM INTO FEELING HE HAS CONTROL OVER YOU AND THEN HE WILL PLAY YOU AND HER i AM SORRY FOR YOU BECAUSE I KNOW THE HURT WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE AND THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU BACK AT LEAST NOT IN THE WAY THEY SHOULD, i WISH YOU ALL THE BEST IN LIFE AND TAKE HEART EVEN THOUGH IT DOES NOT SEEM LIKE IT NOW THERE ARE GOOD MEN OUT THERE AND YOU DESERVE A GREAT GUY WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.
Hi :)
I'm a walking catalog of information now that I am 52 yrs old lol . Most of the relationships I have been in were pretty dysfunctional. My last relationship was with a musician, called hisself the guitar man. He is that good on the instrument.
But that is what he does. As a person he was an NPD, and a pathalogical liar. I allowed him to disrespect me abuse me and take my dignity from me. leaving me a shell of my former self, who was happy and full of life and love. I don't think I can ever trust any man again. Life is not all that bad with out one I can tell you that. I like doing what I want when I want, and I don't have to walk on egg shells to keep him from attacking me, verbally or otherwise.
Finally after 7 years I walked away. That was a year ago. I still am finding myself, and getting use to a good life all alone.
The one and only thing I can say is if the trust is gone, and your needs are not being met and he is playing games with other wemon then it is as over as it can ever get.
I holeheartedly believe this statement that someone else made earlier...
" Leopords never chang there spots, if they get away with it once they will do it again"
