SWF seeks an out-of-shape, weekend-binge-drinking man-child who still goes to KISS concerts and cannot kick his comic book habit even though he's well into his 40s. Must be choked by the umbilical cord of a domineering mother and live in a state of perpetual Catholic guilt that flares up when he misses Mass on Sunday or lingers too long on at a nasty corner of the World Wide Web. Lasting three minutes in the sack mandatory; five minutes a plus. 

Good God.

My elder daughter, who's 12, is just beginning to show an interest in boys, and since it's every man's dream to have his little princess marry a guy just like her father, I'm trying to craft a personal ad to attract the ideal candidate. 

Though my daughter's dating debut is 10 years down the line (at least), I find that I have a problem: I am horrified by the man I envision her with. Because, in reality, who the heck would date me? Then again, the kid could do worse... Watch: Proof That Online Dating Works

I often wonder what kind of guys are going to come-a-calling to our house. While I'm not sure I'd really want a mirror image of myself on the doorstep, I'd like to think that my involvement in my daughters' creation and formation will create a loving women who will be able to differentiate between the nice guys and the jerks.

Like most fathers, I have a recurring nightmare that my daughter's prom date will pick her up in a late-model convertible with a Confederate flag painted on the hood, the wind having its way with his raging bleached-blond mullet as he rounds the corner of our cul-de-sac. He'll ring the bell, offer me a SKOAL pack from a tin that makes a permanent round impression in the back pocket of his powdered blue tuxedo, and reassure me of his love for my child by hiking up his pant leg and showing me a tattoo of my kid's name on his calf.

John Mayer is right about a couple things; namely, having dated Jennifer Aniston and also when he sings the lines "fathers be good to your daughters/daughters will love like you do/girls become lovers that turn into mothers" in his hit "Daughters."

Long before I first heard that song, I was completely present to the fact that I was going to be the blueprint for every relationship my girls would have with the opposite sex. Parental influences definitely played out when my wife married me, and I studied the parallels between our marriage and the relationship with my wife and her father carefully over the years. Though I was not a brilliant Jewish oncologist who compulsively cheated the house at a poker table in the bowels of Caesar's casino, there were undeniable similarities: our love for puns, waking up in Manhattan, reading the Sunday New York Times, and an intense devotion to and respect for the woman I married. Read: Scientists Say We're Attracted To People Who Look Like Our Parents