I Hope My Daughter Marries... Someone Like Me?

By

father daughter dating marriage
A father imagines his daughter's future boyfriends.

SWF seeks an out-of-shape, weekend-binge-drinking man-child who still goes to KISS concerts and cannot kick his comic book habit even though he's well into his 40s. Must be choked by the umbilical cord of a domineering mother and live in a state of perpetual Catholic guilt that flares up when he misses Mass on Sunday or lingers too long on at a nasty corner of the World Wide Web. Lasting three minutes in the sack mandatory; five minutes a plus. 

Good God.

My elder daughter, who's 12, is just beginning to show an interest in boys, and since it's every man's dream to have his little princess marry a guy just like her father, I'm trying to craft a personal ad to attract the ideal candidate. 

Though my daughter's dating debut is 10 years down the line (at least), I find that I have a problem: I am horrified by the man I envision her with. Because, in reality, who the heck would date me? Then again, the kid could do worse... Watch: Proof That Online Dating Works

I often wonder what kind of guys are going to come-a-calling to our house. While I'm not sure I'd really want a mirror image of myself on the doorstep, I'd like to think that my involvement in my daughters' creation and formation will create a loving women who will be able to differentiate between the nice guys and the jerks.

Like most fathers, I have a recurring nightmare that my daughter's prom date will pick her up in a late-model convertible with a Confederate flag painted on the hood, the wind having its way with his raging bleached-blond mullet as he rounds the corner of our cul-de-sac. He'll ring the bell, offer me a SKOAL pack from a tin that makes a permanent round impression in the back pocket of his powdered blue tuxedo, and reassure me of his love for my child by hiking up his pant leg and showing me a tattoo of my kid's name on his calf.

John Mayer is right about a couple things; namely, having dated Jennifer Aniston and also when he sings the lines "fathers be good to your daughters/daughters will love like you do/girls become lovers that turn into mothers" in his hit "Daughters."

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Stories we love
FROM AROUND THE WEB
  • More than half of people admit to being emotional eaters — using food to ease negative feelings like loneliness and heartbreak.