Love Getting Spanked? Don't Be Ashamed
One feminist overcomes inner conflict about her desire to be spanked in the bedroom.
My first spanking was at my 16th birthday party. My guy friends tackled me on the kitchen floor and took turns giving me 16 spanks. And maybe one for good luck. I don't remember. Once freed, I was livid. I was mortified.
And I was totally turned on. Read: Spanking For Beginners
In the years to come, I got some playful spankings, during which I was always twisting, giggling, and trying to get out of it. My first serious boyfriend loved to smack me on the ass as a joke, as did my second serious boyfriend. The more I protested, laughingly telling them to stop, the more they did it. And getting playful spanks always, always led to making out. I look back now and see that both guys realized I loved getting spanked long before I did.
You could say I was in denial about my spanking fetish. It wasn't that I thought slapping booty was abuse, nor was my starched WASP upbringing to blame. No, the problem was my feminist sensibilities. I realize now that the term "feminism" is vague and means different things for different people, but when I was younger, I assumed there was a way a feminist should think and act. So, even though I liked the feeling of getting spanked, I felt conflicted about giving up my physical power, thinking spanking wasn't something an independent and opinionated woman should enjoy. Just how, I fretted, could a partner take me seriously as a thinker, a doer, and a creator when I wanted to be submissive to him? What if people think I'm weird or screwed up? Read: Fetishes Make The World Go Round
But my sex drive proved mightier than my hang-ups and spanking became a main course of my sex life—albeit a shameful one—in college. By day, I was a women's studies minor, wrote a weekly feminist column for the student newspaper, and was president of the National Organization of Women on campus. By night, I really, really, really just wanted to be spanked. And I was, by a few different guys who, to varying degrees, were down with giving me spankings. But I still felt kind of ashamed because they themselves didn't enjoy it, but they spanked me anyway because they knew it made me happy. Read: Can A Feminist Like Spanking?
Finish reading this article at The Frisky.
More from The Frisky:
Why Do Strong Women Like To Be Dominated?
Women Are In Charge Of Their Own Happiness
Losing Your Virginity Is Totes Awkward
Discussion
I like it mixed in with sex! Lil kinky, lil bit o fun never hurt anybody! It's all in good fun, makes sex and foreplay - the whole package more fun and enjoyable, exploration of the body really...
I just like contact, maybe that's what it is for me... I just like it! Doesn't demean me at all!
Hi Book Bama. I am male and happily married. To turn the thing on it's head a little. I am the one who likes it. That doesn't mean any domination though. I think if you keep off the subject of punishment it stays balanced but still erotic. A glorified massage really. I wouldn't dream about going outside of marriage for it. Although my wife is not a natural she says that she is switched on because I am. I tried doing it to her but it never really worked so I have given that up.
Interesting how this discussion has blossomed. I didn't have time to read every line, however, Bookmama & Watersisland both raise intersting points about the value/dysfunction of a domination fetish in a relationship. I think within healthy relationship (from personal experience) with good, open communication where there is no pathological power imbalance [emotionally abusive], a little domination/sumbission play in bed is actually pretty fun and OK. For me the excitement is more derived from verbal or implied domination, and always in a playful manner ... anything more than that might induce panic or real fear, which I def do not find arousing ..
I would be wary [and I think a lot of mean are] of intense S/M esp seeing as how so many women may have experiences a sexual assault or abusive relationship in the past and agree with Watersisland that that kind of behaviour is kind of scary. It may or may not be dysfunctional - as long as the players are not actually getting hurt, maybe OK. Just know it's not for me.
Hi The Frisky,
This is a great discussion/topic.
This is one of those subjects that has me confused. Growing up (16-22 years old), the girls I knew liked it. Spankings led to some very heavy petting and other more intimate acts. There were only a few who did not like to receive the occasional spanking. Then I met my wife. No spankings, no talk of spankings - not even the birthday spanking, anything about spankings and the fire left. Here I was thinking it was cool only to find the woman that I have now spent over 23 years with still hates the thought of it. However, I can relate - most women I have known liked it.
OK mama, if you read my comment I think it pretty much is in agreement with you---that MOST aspects of it are dysfunctional. Not to preclude a couple perhaps experimenting with it to provide additional stimulation. But really, I think it is a VERY small segment of society that ever delves into such behaviour.
But I must say....You sure seem to be quite dilligent and persistant in wanting some feedback. Do you find the topic THAT stimulating??
I suppose I should have said 'intruiging' instead of interesting Mama.
Now I was raised with four sisters, and they always complained when I or my three brothers left the seat DOWN-before we peed. Guess I'll never know what you women want.
Nah, I just want to figure out how to get discussions going. Not angry arguments, but people putting forward different viewpoints without having to agree. I thought this was a controversial subject. So far whether or not you should leave the toilet seat up seems to get people more excited!
IM A PHONE SEX OPERATOR. SOME OF MY BEST CALLS WERE FROM MEN WHO LIKED TO GET SPANKED. I MY SELF ENJOY GETTING SPANKED. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GETTING SPANKED AND GETTING WHIPPED.
Well this make about the 3rd article I've read lately on 'spanking'. I'm beginning to think of it more in the mainstream than something from the darkside. It seems to me there there are really two differnent components to it though. One, as I have understood from another article is the awakening sensation and rapid flow of blood to the to all organs in the area of the buttocks and groin which of course includes the entire vaginal area inside and out and the inner thighs-causing heightened sensation to all nerves and senses in that area. The increased stimulation could certainly cause more arrousal and thus a more intense orgasm.
The second component seems to be the desire and causation of arrousal from being dominated,not necessarilly as a complete lifestyle but only within a chosen and defined period of time. In this case it is the submissiveness that leads to the arrousal. I suppose either one, or both components combined together could be applied. The latter of the two is probably most always only something women might find any arrousal in as I have sometimes heard of it being used in sex play ie: "make believe the man is a stranger and insists the woman have sex with him. I can't immagine a real man wanting to be dominated except as in an episode of ' Housewives' where Brie(?)'s husband admits to his wife that he wants her to tie him up and whip him. And that's not a real man.
While either component might not appeal to many I think the first at least is worthy of some experimentation to open minds. Thinking about this further there really is another component and that is of the SPANKER getting some sexual satisfaction out of this, would could come just from being stimulated by the SPANKEE becoming arroused.(so far I still don't see much harm if everyone is enjoying themselves) OR, from the SPANKER becoming arroused by being DOMINANT. That's the component that I am very uncomfortable with. To derive SEXUAL pleasure from being DOMINANT seems like a dysfunction. A very scary dysfunction. Which bad enough alone as it may seem I'm afraid could grow beyond the prescribed time confines and carry itself into everyday life. That's sadistic. A term by most anyone's definition is severe dysfunction. NEVER!
NEVER! Gee, that's what I said only a few weeks ago about only a simple little spank. Am I becoming enlightened or demented? I feel certain I could never,NEVER derive pleasure from being DOMINANT. That's not what sex and love is all about. So far as causing heightened sensitivity and arrousal from spanking or being spanked, I'm not so condemning of it and might even consider trying it with a willing partner. Just ONCE! But don't be surprise if my new avitar one day has me in a kinky leather outfit complete with whips and chains. I've become ENLIGHTENED! I'll report back if I ever meet up with a spanker or spankee. Don't hold your breath.
Me again. Despite the fact that some lesbians like being spanked and have experimented with it and talk about "power transfer," I suspect that spanking/S&M would fall into traditional sex roles if it were widespread and accepted.
I know this is completely anecdotal, but I read articles and blogs where women talk about wanting men to be more aggressive in bed. I don't see any articles about women who wish their men would be passive. Then I read about men going to prostitutes to be dominated, so presumably they don't have an easy time getting their wives or girlfriends to do it.
If you add that in most relationships men still have more money, I think it could be a very tricky thing.
The thing that troubles me the most is the idea that if some people want to be spanked, then there have to be some people who want to spank (or insult or whip, etc.). The woman in this other Tango article gets her husband to dominate her; her therapist encourages her to push her husband to do so. http://www.yourtango.com/20086234/how-i-fell-madly-in-lust-with-my-husba...
So if someone likes to spank others, should they push their partner to like that? I hope to hell no therapist would tell a woman she should try being dominated if that's what her husband is into. And where do you stop? Some people like to whip or be whipped.
On the other hand, there's nothing good about pushing a guy who doesn't like to spank his girlfriend to make him do it.
And what if the guy isn't really into it, but his girlfriend gets him to like it and then they break up. What's the next girlfriend supposed to do with him?
Okay, I'd like to try discussing this a little and hearing other opinions. I don't want to attack anyone, but I also want to be honest and not just say everything is peachy keen and we all agree about everything.
So here's my first thought. Lesbians debated whether or not you could be feminist and still want S&M etc. back in the 1980's (google lesbian sex wars). So it's not just about men and women and gender roles. On the other hand, I'm not sure that makes it okay or healthy. Maybe people shouldn't act out all their fantasies.
Wanting to be hit or called names seems to me to be self-destructive. So I can't help thinking maybe people should work on whatever issues they have in that area, instead of acting things out and reinforcing their feelings.
The other issue for me here, is that I think of this as a learned association which could probably grow if you encourage it. It doesn't seem to me to be a basic orientation.
Okay, comments? I know not everyone agrees with me.
I'm a feminist and I like to be spanked ... I wouldn't say it's a fetish though ... I don't go for full out spanking sessions, it's more like a sidebar to my sex life.
Well written article, BTW.
