A Young Widow On Loss And New Love
A young widow leaves the porch light on for her dead husband, even after finding love a second time.
They say nights are the hardest to get through, so instead of sleeping in the bed we had shared, I decided to sleep on the couch. With fresh sheets in hand, I flipped over the end cushion and heard the crinkle of a candy bar wrapper. If he had been in the living room with me, I would have reprimanded him (as I had so many times!) and led him into the kitchen to show him where the garbage can was.
Now, as I picked up the wrapper, the last thing I wanted to do was throw it away. I held it in my hand while I tucked in the corners. I held it while I fluffed my pillow and straightened my blanket. I held it until I fell asleep, and I was still holding it when I woke up (about an hour later). Turns out, "they" were right; nights were the hardest to get through. Actress Blythe Danner on Love and Loss
I had also heard people say that you should not suppress your tears, that you should let them come and go at will. So I did, relentlessly. I cried in the shower, I cried in the car. I cried while walking and talking; I even cried in my sleep. I had never felt an actual lump in my throat until then. People didn't really know how to deal with my emotions. I can't say I blame them. I didn't either; I just couldn't do anything else. That I was widowed at 27 is unimportant. I could have been 87, and the pain would have been the same.
Soon my tears were replaced with solemnity. Unbeknownst to me, over a month had passed and for the first time, I opened the front door. My mailbox was crammed with overdue statements and pre-approved credit card offers. According to my mail, he wasn't dead. I stood there with the envelopes in my hands. If he had been on the porch with me, I would have handed him the bills. Now, I just held them (like I'd held the candy wrapper). Poll: Do You Split The Bills In Your Relationship?
Discussion
I love that your new husband accepts what a powerful role your first husband played in your life. I think a lot of times we try to erase our love history and try to start again. But the truth is, our past experiences have shaped us into the person we are today, so for good or for evil, those past loves are an integral part of who we are.
I cry every year on the anniversary of my husband's death and on his birthday. I still have a crystal frog he gave me that I keep around because it reminds me that his love for me was brilliant, and his love provided rainbows of happiness. What's odd is that I'll get depressed and start crying for no reason, then it dawns on me what day it is....I know he's not "gone" because love lives in your heart forever. Sometimes I get little signs that he's watching over me. I truly feel that he is the one that guided me to my present love. It may seem silly to some, but it isn't. It is painful to let go, so don't. Who says you have to? (but, geesh, don't get all weird and set a place for him at dinner or anything like that *wink*).
From one to another, I hear you.
