So it's been almost a year since he dumped me by text while I was teaching abroad for a few weeks, ending our 2 year relationship and never wanting to see me again.
Though I don't yet feel ready for another relationship, partly because I'm quite enjoying my freedom and finding myself again, I wonder if I will ever be able to trust again. Not just men. Anyone.
I mean, there was a 'man' who went through everything with me, my vulnerabilities, my already tentative trust in others. He knew how much I had been betrayed before, nor just by friends and acquaintances but close family too.
He knew better than any of those who have betrayed me before just how much being stabbed in the back by a close one would hurt me if it happened again. And he was the one who hurt me the most. Because he knew the most. I trusted him the most. I thought he'd never hurt me like that.
I didn't mind breaking up - I was the one who called time out and needed to move on if he didn't want to settle down. There were many changes happening, the very fabric of my life was disintegrating - my job, my home, my dreams. He was the only brick in my old life left standing and he was the only thing that could persuade me to put down new roots in our hometown. My life was at a standstill, I couldn't wait any longer and two years was reasonable enough. So during a telephone conversation on our 2nd anniversary I told him how I was feeling, that being away was helping me figure out what I needed and asked him about making a choice - was he with me, taking our relationship to the next level by moving in and/or getting engaged or were we going our separate ways? I think I only asked him that over the phone because most of me genuinely believed that he loved me as much as I did him and would stay with me. I don't think I ever thought for a minute he would choose to split. But that is exactly what happened! He chose to split!
I mean, fair enough. Hurtful yes, Disappointing absolutely, but I knew it would be the right thing to do if we wanted separate things. The killer came a day or so later....
...When he chose to split I was so shocked and angry at him for throwing away our relationship as I saw it that I hung up, forgetting that I was in a rural area and could only receive incoming calls unless I wanted to use the limited remaining funds on my mobile to speak to him! I could afford to text though, and I sent him one immediately apologising for hanging up and just telling him how mcuh I loved him and how upset I was etc. He ignored every text I sent telling him how sad I felt about our split, I wasn't due home for 3 weeks and in one I suggested we meet face to face when I get back to break up properly as, after all, we had been together for 2 years, knew each others families at that point etc - I mean, my God...!!
Well, he refused - by text - simultaneously asserting he was cutting all contact full stop - leaving me howling on a bed 2,000 miles away barely able to believe what had just happened, and terrifying my poor student and her family downstairs who could hear my wailing and were also wondering what the heck had just happened!
That telephone call was the last time I ever spoke to the man I had loved for two years. I last laid eyes on him at the departure gate at the airport three weeks before that call when we kissed and said goodbye as a couple, as we had for almost two years.
You see, he hadn't died in some freak unnatural accident. I think I would find that easier to cope with because at least I would know that he hadn't upped and left our joint world through choice. But he is still alive, barely 2 miles from where I type now and he chose to disappear, he chose to cut me off in a very cruel way. And that is what hurt and still hurts even now.
I'm seeing him for the cold cruel callous man he really was deep down, more as time moves on. It took our breakup for me to see his true colours. I might have married him and had kids with him. Doesn't bear thinking about....
My life is ok, I have alot of good things happening around me, lots of wonderful opportunities and interesting people who want to be my friend if only I would just let them in lol!
I know one thing though - I know I am capable of love and I could never treat anyone like he did me. Without the capacity to love another truly he is nothing.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe it will help someone else when they're googling for guidance through their tears.
I hope so....
Until next time,