Our PICs* over at Lemondrop did a great list of things not to say to a guy before making lust. It had a few solid erection erasers. I decided to follow up with ten things not to say after going for a roll in the hay-hay-hay-hay. Egos and afterglows, like boners, can sometimes deflate faster than a baby pool being used in a porcupine fight. As always, tone matters too.
10) "A for effort." Nothing, not even a little? The corollary to this one is "That was nice."
9) "You are so adorable." The words "adorable," "cute" and "nice" should probably be avoided when we're in the nude.
8) "We should probably just be friends." There's a chance that dude had that in mind too, but this is the part of the night where we convention says we lie to each other.
7) "I love you." I think you're great too. Because of the neurochemicals involved in the Humpty Dance, emotions sometimes get a bit swimmy and things get blurted out. If it's an incredibly premature 143**, most dudes will try incredibly hard to forget it (a lot of them will fail).
6) "I was born in a Holiday Inn***." Again, let's backburner the crazy talk. We can hold the therapy session until we've caught our breath, aye-aye?
5) "I really have to [Go Number Two]." It was hilarious in Kingpin because of how gross it is. We prefer to think of you as vestal (or at least pristine) at all times but especially when you're naked. Unless, you're both into that, then get disgusting, potty mouth.
4) "I think I fell asleep there for a second." Newman! Well, then you missed a dynamite show, missy. This is in the same disinterested family as "That stain is not coming out."
3) "Is that it?****" I know what you're saying, baby, "awww that's it." Seriously, we tried… A for effort???
2) "I think I forgot to take my pill today." This is bad.
1) I think I need to get a Valtrex subscription. This is worse... and it's a prescription, I think.
Anyone out there heard/ said any of these… or worse? Holler.
*PIC = Partner In Crime.?
**143 is the police code for a love in progress.
***It was from the movie The Rules Of Attraction (maybe the book too). ?
****Big thanks to Jemaine from Flight Of The Conchords.