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Making the same mistake again


    How do you right the wrongs of your past? I spent the better part of the past 4 years stuck on the same guy, Matthew. We had been friends since I was 11 but both of us moved while I was in my early teens. Later in my junior year of high school we got back in touch. I was 16 and he was now 19. We started talking non stop over the phone and Internet. For the 4 years that followed I was completely obsessed with him and our relationship. I went to visit him in Arizona, and we talked any time we could, including the 5 min between my classes. We still saw other people during this time but it was just to satisfy our physical needs and lusts. I know it sounds terrible. I had several relationships locally some even got very serious. The last one I was even engaged to the guy and had been with him over a year before braking it off. I just could not get over Matthew even though we had agreed to be just friends after realizing that neither of us would ever move. He hates Oregon and I hate Arizona. I now at age 20 have finally gotten over him and am now looking back I see all the broken hearts I have left behind. One in particular. Lance was the guy that I had been with in high school even before Matthew. We would hang out in class flirt shamelessly to the point that everyone thought we were together. I liked him a lot and he liked me. When I started up with Matthew I started to ignore Lance. He'd come up and try to joke or tease me. I am very ticklish so he's come up and start tickling me at lunch and I'd tell him to go away because I was with Matthew. Then when ever I was feeling low or Matthew and I were taking a brake so we could enjoy which ever local we were interested in, I always went back to Lance. It really wasn't fair to him. To make it worse I broke up with Matthew for good (or so I thought) Lance and I started to seriously date. We were 18 and had just graduated. He was every thing Matthew wasn't. He would remember little things that I would mention such as a movie that said looked interesting or a restaurant that I had never been to. One date he took me to a movie that I forgot that I wanted to see. We would have movie nights at his house or mine and cuddle all the way through. Some thing I never got with Matt even when I went down to visit him. The truth is I was falling for Lance in a very real way. I got scared. I didn't want to fall for him because he was not the man I saw my self with. So I lied to him and told him that I was back with Matthew and didn't want him, the summer had been fun but he just wasn't for me. Through the next year or so he still persuade me even when I started to date the next ass hole. Chris didn't like Lance because Lance and I could not help but flirt with each other. Chris and I lived together and had many fights over my friendship with Lance. Finally I quit talking to Lance all together. I even moved and didn't tell him. A year later I got a text from Lance, my older brother had given him my cell number. I couldn't believe how excited I was to hear from him. Chris and I were having troubles and I was wanting to leave him so I didn't care if he didn't want me to see Lance I needed to. I realized that I wanted to be with him and that I always had and it was stupid to run away from him. We got together for lunch and I had planned to tell him how I felt about him. When he mentioned his girl friend. My heart broke then and there. I tried to be happy for him but I just couldn't. We ended lunch awkwardly with a hug that lasted to long for just being friends. I dreaded going home to Chris, I didn't want him. It was the weekend before Christmas and Lance's leave (he's a Marine) was over January 7th and I wanted to use the time I had to make Lance see that we should be together. I called him and asked him to the movies the next night. We went, I didn't tell Chris that I was seeing him, and we had a great time. Sitting in the truck when he was taking me home we started to flirt like we used to wrestling around and playing just like always. I knew then that he still wanted me. That night I broke up with Chris. I told him all about the fact that I had been unhappy for months now and that I had been talking to both Matthew and Lance. I had wanted to wait till after the holidays to brake up with him as I thought it cruel to brake up just days before Christmas. But the real cruelty would be to make us live through the holidays in miserable existence. I offered to let him stay till after new year, but he left. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to leave him. In fact all I could think of was Lance, and how to be with him again. It was Dec. 22, he was leaving on January 7, so I didn't have much time. Between leaving Chris, whom I did love, and the fact that I was getting no where with Lance I slipped into a minor depression through the next few days leading into Christmas. I wanted him to be happy with Lilly if that is what he really wanted, if he didn't want me then I would have to let him go. On Christmas night my brothers and I started drinking, I've never been drunk and wasn't going to start now, but I did get a nice buzz. I ended up texting Lance and asking him to come by and see me. He said that he could for a few minuets but was reluctant because of my 4 brothers who can be quite frightening. I promised that they would be nice and he came over. They were nice surprisingly, he only got shot in the back with an air soft gun once by the end of the evening. As he was leaving I finally was able to muster up some courage and tell him how I felt. That I now realize what a fool I was for choosing first Matthew and then Chris over him. I told him that I wanted another chance. He told me that he still cared about me and wanted to be with me too, but couldn't trust me that in a couple of months that I would still want him. He was afraid that I would move on to some one else and leave him heart broken again. After that night I have tried to prove that I do want him and I wont make the same mistake again. He and Lily have broken up, and he and I are planning on spending time together when he comes home on leave this summer. He still doesn't trust me with his heart though and I just don't know if he ever will. After all that I've done I don't know that he ever will.


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