Making the same mistake again

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Making the same mistake again

    How do you right the wrongs of your past? I spent the better part of the past 4 years stuck on the same guy, Matthew. We had been friends since I was 11 but both of us moved while I was in my early teens. Later in my junior year of high school we got back in touch. I was 16 and he was now 19. We started talking non stop over the phone and Internet. For the 4 years that followed I was completely obsessed with him and our relationship. I went to visit him in Arizona, and we talked any time we could, including the 5 min between my classes. We still saw other people during this time but it was just to satisfy our physical needs and lusts. I know it sounds terrible. I had several relationships locally some even got very serious. The last one I was even engaged to the guy and had been with him over a year before braking it off. I just could not get over Matthew even though we had agreed to be just friends after realizing that neither of us would ever move. He hates Oregon and I hate Arizona. I now at age 20 have finally gotten over him and am now looking back I see all the broken hearts I have left behind. One in particular. Lance was the guy that I had been with in high school even before Matthew. We would hang out in class flirt shamelessly to the point that everyone thought we were together. I liked him a lot and he liked me. When I started up with Matthew I started to ignore Lance. He'd come up and try to joke or tease me. I am very ticklish so he's come up and start tickling me at lunch and I'd tell him to go away because I was with Matthew. Then when ever I was feeling low or Matthew and I were taking a brake so we could enjoy which ever local we were interested in, I always went back to Lance. It really wasn't fair to him. To make it worse I broke up with Matthew for good (or so I thought) Lance and I started to seriously date. We were 18 and had just graduated. He was every thing Matthew wasn't. He would remember little things that I would mention such as a movie that said looked interesting or a restaurant that I had never been to. One date he took me to a movie that I forgot that I wanted to see. We would have movie nights at his house or mine and cuddle all the way through. Some thing I never got with Matt even when I went down to visit him. The truth is I was falling for Lance in a very real way. I got scared. I didn't want to fall for him because he was not the man I saw my self with. So I lied to him and told him that I was back with Matthew and didn't want him, the summer had been fun but he just wasn't for me. Through the next year or so he still persuade me even when I started to date the next ass hole. Chris didn't like Lance because Lance and I could not help but flirt with each other. Chris and I lived together and had many fights over my friendship with Lance. Finally I quit talking to Lance all together. I even moved and didn't tell him. A year later I got a text from Lance, my older brother had given him my cell number. I couldn't believe how excited I was to hear from him. Chris and I were having troubles and I was wanting to leave him so I didn't care if he didn't want me to see Lance I needed to. I realized that I wanted to be with him and that I always had and it was stupid to run away from him. We got together for lunch and I had planned to tell him how I felt about him. When he mentioned his girl friend. My heart broke then and there. I tried to be happy for him but I just couldn't.

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