"I believe the lack is in the cheater. It is not the marriage or the spouse. There is a hole in the cheater and that is their responsibility to fill or ask for what is needed. There is never a reason to commit adultery. How abut leaving, how about honesty with the self and the spouse? How about vows, communication? The same steps can be taken without the affair. ie. getting needs met. The action is not taking responsibility for oneself. Insight and personal growth is without the cheating and profound hurt for all which follows. The pain never goes away entirely. Just say NO, like and adult." -kwd (Anonymous user)
Wow. I cannot help but comment about this...this response and attitude is wrong on so many levels in my opinion...and I'm going to discuss why.
For starters (unless you've read my other posts) I recently broke off my engagement after getting involved with a married man. I am still involved with the married man. So, I am going to begin with what was going on in my relationship that led me into the arms of another man:
My fiancé and I had been dating for three years and had been engaged for one year. The first year (2006) was really good overall, we dated, we romanced, we held hands and walked along the beaches, we had wild and crazy sex all the time, and were head over heels in love. The second year (2007) became difficult. I was intending to move to his hometown (which I did not want to do for family reasons) and I took a job there. I hated it. I hated where he lived (we were both living with our parents, I was 21, he was 26). I couldn't meet new friends; the whole environment just wasn't my element. So, I took a new job back at home which crushed the idea of me moving to his hometown. Well, he quit his job and was unemployed for three months which put a serious damper on our relationship, and when he went back to work it seemed like things were going to get better. However, let me pause for a moment and talk about a few other things...
He had truth issues and he was a bad liar. I could usually tell when he was lying and he hardly ever looked directly at me (or anyone) when he was talking. He always had ideas of how he could make money at this or he could make money at that or he could do this or that...and never followed through with anything. He wanted to have his space and I let him go and do as he pleased, but when I went to a bar with two female co-workers he had a fit. Christmas of 2006 he was mad that I put him on the back burner to do Christmas with my family first, and in 2007 he accused me of not wanting him around my family because I didn't "ask" him to come to my parent's house for Christmas. I told him when, where, and what time...I thought it was self-explanatory, but apparently not. These two Christmas seasons and the other occasions/holidays he and I spent together in '06 and '07... He was cheap. I'd spend more money than I should have getting him nice things, and one Christmas, one of my gifts was a set of Sharpie markers... I expected a little more.
In late 2007, he and I weren't talking very much. We'd go a week without speaking, texting, emailing, or any form of communication. I never suspected that he was cheating; I just didn't know what his problem was. We (my employer) had just gotten a new Police Officer and he and I struck up a conversation one day and then we began talking on the phone regularly or texting one another. I wasn't "interested" in him, I just wanted someone to talk to me, and he filled that void. Well, my boyfriend went through my phone and found text messages from the Officer and went off. He demanded that I tell the Officer to not call or text me anymore. I told the guy that apparently I wasn't the only one checking my phone and for him to not send me messages anymore. I never had the chance to explain to the Officer what actually happened and to this day, if I see him or talk to him, he's brief and to the point. We don't see one another hardly any because of the detail he works, but I still would have liked the chance to explain what happened.
So, as we enter into 2008, he and I still aren't communicating, no matter how many times I call or how may text messages I send...no answer and no response. I tried asking him what was wrong and why we weren't speaking...he avoided me. So, I basically said, "to hell with it" and started to move on. Then he and I had a big argument and I told him that I needed sometime, well I didn't talk to him for about a week, and finally I told him that something had to be done differently for it to work between us, and he agreed and we were going to try to get back on track, but I was still mad