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when it doesn't work


So we had the wedding Oct 19, 2008. It was a small family affair. I did alot of the favors and centerpieces myself, everything was really done by the families or people who came to the wedding. Everything was going ok. We had dated before awhile back and recently gotten back together, been seeing each other this time about 3 months and there we were getting married. Fast forward to 2 months after. I had made some errors right before the wedding, an ex had seen me while we <me and Jesse> were out and left his number on my winow of the car. So I called to find out what he wanted. After that phone call I lost the number for what would be forever to me. Not forever for my ex, He decided to text me a happy new year greeting. This would cause an uproar in the household. I had not made contact with him, I did however make a joke with my cousin about it which husband did not find amusing. And I borrowed a different ex'x car early in the marriage to take one of our dog's to the vet, it was an emergency. I didn't see the harm as Jesse had my car in another city, and the vet was doing me a favor with a free consultation and I did not lie about anything, I told Jesse straight out exactly what washappening before it happened. Apparently there is a do not ever speak to your ex rule. All of that was like the 2 months we were married. I swore to never talk to any of my exes ever again.  Well when Jesse lost his job, he sat back and took the free ride.  For a long time. I thought being supportive would help, it did, helped to doormat me. When I finally came to my senses and started getting on him he began lying to me about looking for a job. At least thats what I caught. There were a few other small, is that possible, lies. He had chatted up a girl he knew back in the day about how she should have married him ?????!!!!!! WHAT  yea that's a great relationship builder. Anyways there are a couple other girls he chats up online and i am totally uncomfortable with it he knows it, but i really dont think that makes much of a difference. Yea Ok i will take the hey you're insecure hit, but Hello he has already been caught lying to me and someone else should have married him .....we aren't even at 6 months and I have been putting ewverything I have into keeping us afloat while he is sitting at home all day chatting on website, or commenting on topics and nude piks of girls on exxposed website. I mean really  i have had so many conversations well not even face to face because by the time i get home he doesn't talk to me it is like he shuts down and just cries that he is sorry and we will be ok. And dum dum me falls for it everytime. In the course of a days argument he can belittle me by telling me im crazy and stupid, degrade my intelligence, invalidate everything i have to say or feel, turn me into the most horrible person on earth, and make me feel like everything that has gone wrong is my fault. And then I find myself apologizing when I haven't done anything. I just want the fighting to stop. But what have I done wrong,  I held all the bills down, tried to stay positive, yea it didnt always work. But I am stressed out to. All of these things just kept bottling up and bottling up and now i have exploded. We had the "talk" about him getting his shit together 2 1/2 weeks ago. Not much has changed. I mean he can "say" whatever he wants to say but the fact is he lied to me how am i supposed to believe anything ? We have an issue with the way he speaks about and to my mother that I have tried to address but there still is no respect. I would never speak to anyone in his family that way. And the communication between us is limited to text messaging. I told him I was moving out. We needed to separate, he needed to find himself and figure out if he really wanted be married. I too need myself because right now i feel lost, like an empty shell of a person. 5 months ago i was full of life and Happiness. If this relationship can suck that out of so quickly there has to be something wrong, right ?  Then last night I tried to tlak to him again. I am trying to be civil. I know I am moving and most of what is in the house is mine, I wanted to discuss leaving some things for him. He refuses to talk to me about it then gets on the phone with his brother to tell him "she's taking all her shit, I'm not gonna have anything" . What ?! I am staying there for 2 weeks to help him pay the rent because he hasnt got any money, i paid all the bills for the month and I am trying to leave him some furniture, the entertainment center, the kitchen table, the bed. Even in the face of the worst time of my life i am still trying to be nice to him and he is acting like the biggest asshole ever ? I dont understand. Where did i go wrong ?  


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