Finding Religion After Finding The One
Spiritual exploration can be lonely and divisive when one partner's not on board.
When my husband and I got married, our divergent religious backgrounds were the last thing on my mind. From the start, we were in full agreement that we would blend our Jewish and Christian traditions into an unstructured cornucopia of customs and holiday celebrations. This all-inclusive philosophy presented little conflict, and we were compatible in our religious laziness.
But, eventually, I became a restless wanderer with unresolved questions about my soul's purpose on this earth, and I longed for a deeper, more personal relationship with God. My husband remained content just where he was and this became a dividing force between us. While he gathered inspiration from the History Channel and science fiction novels, I began devouring the writings of great enlightened masters, gurus and eclectic ministers.
My spiritual quest led me to bounce from one house of worship to another. I explored Buddhism, Unitarianism, New Age Christianity and Zen meditation. On my insistence, my husband would often escort me to many of these spiritual centers—he found that they offered excellent opportunities for uninterrupted naps. When I attempted to discuss my deep findings after services, he would simply reply "very interesting" and our car rides home were draped in thick, uncomfortable silence.
I started to share some of my newfound wisdom with our children. My husband was in full agreement that this would broaden their perspectives and help them to become better people, but he preferred to take on the role of passive observer, rather than teacher.
I started to believe that if we could not share this essential journey together, we might not be able to maintain our love. How could we call ourselves true soul mates when we no longer saw eye to eye on something this fundamental?
I began to examine my marriage with the clinical depth of a physician looking for the source of an illness; something insidious had taken hold of our marriage and was eating away at us. I still loved my husband and wanted to fix things so our marriage could survive. Most importantly, I needed to restore my peace of mind.
The more I forced the issue, the more he withdrew into his shell. Even though he loved me and wanted our marriage to work as much as I did, it was painfully obvious that he had no intention of stepping outside of his spiritual comfort zone just to please me.
The great Rabbi Harold Kushner once said, "God is like a mirror. The mirror never changes but everybody who looks at it sees something different." Somewhere in the midst of my gnawing discontent, this divine piece of simple wisdom gently moved me out of my own way, for I had been sorely missing the point. I had lost sight of my fundamental belief—that each one of us must follow our own unique path and come to our own truth about God and the meaning of this life. Who was I to tell anyone else how to nourish their soul, let alone the person I loved most?
Discussion
Hi - this article truly hit home, but from the opposite end. I am like your husband, comfortable in my beliefs as a Jewish woman (one who chose Judaism versus being born into it) living with a Catholic man who is still seeking...something. His recent declaration that he believes it's the religion that's bound his grandparents together for 50 years sent chills down my spine. My concern? If that's the case, then what do we have? I'm not going to convert to Catholicism and it's doubtful he'll swing my way. We've not found a total solution, but the fact that we both believe in a higher being who's looking out for us and has our best interests at heart, is a start.
Thank you for writing about your own journey of searching - good for you for looking!
Warmly,
Lis
I think some readers may be getting caught up in the literal facets of the article. What I was able to take away from this was the fact that one must fully release the judgments or predisposed ideas of what a spiritual journey should be for another, in order to fully embrace their own spiritual path. It is not only in romantic relationships we fight the urge to judge the choices and path of another and I really believe that this article speaks volumes by explaining that in order to truly be able to face inward and openly examine our own path, we must release and disengage from out external and outward judgment of the world. It is far easier to analyze externally and ignore the person inside of us, but when we focus in on our own development and quiet the outward voice, the inner voice is finally able to communicate to us. I think that when we find the loves of our lives, we assume they will become extensions of who we are, when that is not particularly the point (for me). I think we should strive to find someone who provides us with unconditional love and support to be ourselves and follow the path meant for us an individual, which is really the essence of this article. Marriage is not a pairing of two identical beings, but two beings committed to a life together, filled with individual introspection and the sharing of ideas.
Excellent read – I am bookmarking this for future reference!
Thanks for your comment, Savannah.
If I have learned one thing from my spiritual 'shopping' expedition, it is that no one has the right to judge the quality or depth of anyone else's journey. Everyone comes to their own truth in their own time and circumstance. That was really the whole point of my article. Sorry this did not ring true for you.
I've known couples that have broken up over this kind of thing. But in those cases, it was the one who wasn't
going through the changes that got fed up with the person who was suddenly "born again," living by a different set of rules, quoting "great prophets" all the time, and using a whole new set of jargon.
I don't hear stories where it's the other way around too often. But it makes sense that it would be hard on both parties involved.
Congratulations on managing to make it work.
Hi Lolita and thanks for your comment.
My guess is, sooner or later every single one of us will experience a spiritual crisis whether we identify it that way or not. Personal hardships, deep losses and other serious life challenges help us awaken to life's greater purpose. Some of us turn inward, defensive or even destructive until we figure out how to grow from within. Self-reflection seems to emerge after we figure out that other less productive avenues aren't working for us very well. At least in my case...
I'm not married and never have been. But I like this piece because I think the insight is universally applicable. Only a few of us have our heads stubbornly stuck in the dead zone. Most can't help but wonder about spiritual purpose of life after this lifetime. Answering those questions is a lifelong, personal pursuit. We can't possibly do it for anyone else or measure their progress against our own. When we let go of the need to do that we let the light shine freely amongst us.
Hats off to your husband for putting up with you and your lost soul/identity crisis/whatever you want to call it. I don't know what I'd do if my wife did the same thing to me. Unless it was scientology. In that case, I totally know what I'd do: put her on the spaceship with Tom Cruise and kiss her goodbye.
"What I had perceived as his silent, spiritual dead-zone, was actually another pathway towards the same light—and, certainly, a more peaceful one than my own."
This is such a fair and accepting perspective, one I wish more religiously restless/prostelitizing believers/religious fundamentalists had -- not just with their partners, but with the world.
I'm so glad that you were eventually able to see the validity in your husband's way of being, and not let your differences destroy your relationship.
Thanks Kataroo. I guess the real test of any marriage is how well we honor and respect each other's differences. It's a whole lot easier to appreciate someone who reflects back exactly what we want to see - there's less conflict, but little to learn.
