5 Things Single Women Hate To Hear
No matter who it's from, this well-meaning advice falls on deaf single ears.
Every time she hung out with her single female friends, the same gripes surfaced. Enough already with the how-to-snag-a-guy advice streaming from anyone and everyone as soon as status single was announced, they said.
Suddenly, Karin Anderson, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Concordia University Chicago, found herself keeping track of what these single women were saying, replacing the strict academic research techniques she was used to with more informal polling.
What she found was a deluge of well-meaning advice being issued to singles that, while offered with the best of intentions, not only wasn't working but was making singles' skin crawl.
"The message to singles tends to be that they're doing something wrong, 'You're too this' or 'You're not enough that.' Being single is treated as this problem that needs to be solved," says Anderson. "That's really bogus. We should be telling single women, 'You're fine. There's nothing wrong. Enjoy your life.'"
These five snippets of well-meaning advice to singles top Anderson's list of worst offenses. Here's why.
1) What's Said: MAYBE YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH.
What's Heard: "This can come off sounding like you're passing judgment on effort," says Anderson. "It's better to encourage a single person to explore new relationships to the extent they are comfortable and to extend themselves in ways that feel natural and not forced."
2) What's Said: WEAR MORE MAKEUP.
What's Heard: More than implying that the search for Mr. Right is as easy as brushing a spot of color onto the cheeks, this comment offends further by actually attacking a person's core identity. "A woman presents herself according to what she defines as meaningful. Whether her style is glamorous belle or au naturelle, every woman should be allowed to be herself. There's a man out there who is going to be attracted to her style, whatever it is. If she's presenting herself as anyone other than who she really is, that's false advertising and that's going to backfire."
3) What's Said: GET BACK OUT THERE!
What's Heard: This can send the signal that the single person is simply not doing enough speed or Internet or blind dating, or worse, that she isn't living a full enough life. "Singles are not by definition hiding out in their closets curled up in the fetal position all day," says Anderson. "Most are likely working, meeting friends out for dinner and events, working out."
Discussion
This shouldnt even be an issue. A guy tries hard to meet a girl and she gets turned off because he makes a fool out of himself because hes nervous and doesnt know how to quite say the perfect thing. Shame on you women who care more about whats said than the actual spirit and effort that it was delivered..Give a good guy at least benefit of the doubt dont dismiss him just because he said it wrong. have a heart you cold sophisticated ones
Two points:
1. The candy with the dull wrapper stays on the grocery shelf.
2. Once chosen, no one eats the wrapper.
We all have so many sides of ourselves. It is not demeaning to accentuate one aspect of ourselves to attract a mate. Done well, it can fold easily into other aspects of us that we dwell in more of the time. Creativity + Confidence = A life well lived.
marriage is not outdated, it's just gotten really confused...the suffragist movement was a must but the sexual revolution was a disaster because we're all seekingthe same thing but now men and women don't know not to relate to each other anymore because there are too many of us looking for sex and not love and being told that that's okay...but at the end of the day you're going to feel empty and wonder if that's all there is...
the world, at least America, seems to have gotten off track with how marriage works outside of 'love'....be in love when you get married and also know that it takes work to stay married...being tired of a person is not an excuse to get a divorce but we have so many outside influences coming into marriages these days it gets hard to stick through it....
Celeste34, best comments so far. You're not only smart, you are wise.
Don't blame the sexual revolution for the failure of marriages. Marriages have always had problems. Heck infidelity used to be institutionalized. The sexual revolution just gave people a way out of miserable marriages. It didn't cause problems, it just exposed the ones that existed.
I feel a little out of my element whenever I hang with my girlfriends who are all involved in serious relationships. Whenever I mention a male friend, they immediately ask if there's something going on between us, if he's cute, if he has a girlfriend, if I would ever consider dating him, and so forth. I know they mean well - or at the very least, they're acting out of boredom rather than malice - but I get tired of talking about singleness as if it's a problem.
my two best friends in the world are both in serious relationships...one's just engaged and the other is moving into a house with her (i believe) soon to be fiance...and whenever i bring up a man they assume im trying to date him. is it so bad to just be single and have men friends? single isn't a problem i thought...
i absolutely agree i mean i used to thing being single was ok but now i feel SO MUCH PRESSURE that i feel the need to have a boyfriend and i feel so bad when theyre around me with their boyfriends
I am going to have to agree with the non-popular opinion that a lot of these remarks are
1. Conversation filler when your single friend is gonig on and on about how much she wants a boyfriend, or how she can't find someone, and you just don't know what to say
2. Suggestions that might actually be true
There is that quote, if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always gotten- and from the outside looking in on some of my single friends, they are set in these patterns that are to me, part of the reason why they aren't successful. So when they ask me my honest opinion- and then they hate the answer --- (which in SOME cases are the hated remarks!) then they shouldn't ask my opinion....
When my single friends become super sensitive about these types of things- it leads me to believe they aren't quite as happy as they claim to be about being single (some don't claim to be happy at all) but if they are genuinely happy they wouldn't be so sensitive!
Why do so many people assume you should be in a relationship? I see so many of my friends getting into relationships for the sake of it and one who is so scared of being out of one he overlaps them.
"Society discriminates against the good men and women out there trying to avoid relationships like the plague. Stuff-about.com sympathizes with their plight. Here are 6 reasons why the biggest ‘relationship mistake’ is to actually have one" http://www.stuff-about.com/2009/10/6-reasons-to-avoid-relationship.html
I loved the article. I hear you are too picky a lot and that scares me. Not sure how to even respond to that. There is a stigma that if you are single it is a handicap. Not everyone women on the planet who is single is gay or off putting to men. It can be really hard to date when you work 10 hours a day. As you get older, the list of available men shrinks. I am working on being ok with being myself and am sick of the silent thinking by married people or couples that being single is a illness that needs fixing.
geez you're picky. bald isn't ugly you bleed out of your vagina which turns women into bitches and you make little things like they're just horrible you deserve to be alone cause no one wants a high maintenance beyotch
me too, i'm told that i have too many standards. in my culture it's very common to sponsor a spouse from back home, and because i refuse that, that means i'm too picky or judgemental. anyways, i have the choice, and so do you. as simongrant said "I don't know any grown-up single people who are unhappy with the choice they've made to stay single (it is a choice). " just remember you deserve mr. right. also i'm a great believer in destiny, your destiny was written before you were born, you are destiny to be single at this point in your life, but what is coming up no one knows. so it's not your fault or anyone elses fault, it's just your destiny. that doesn't mean you should stop trying, it just means you have to try a little harder and longer than those who already have it. As my uncle told me yesterday, some people God knows they can't handle being single, or poor, or unattractive, or what ever people find wrong with themselves or their lives, and in that case God gives them marriage, or money, or beauty because they won't be able to live without it, and those who don't get it, that means God knows they will survive and find solutions. Also those who have the gifts they want have other problems.
oh and in my culture dating is forbidden, yet every one says to me you should get out there and find someone soon before your too old and lose your beauty. which is similar to #1.
Here's another example of something stupid to say to single women:
http://www.sex-lies-dating.com/ (see her Sept. 17th entry)
Actually, I would still like to know, is there something GOOD to say to your single friends?
Thanks for the shout out BookMama.
IMHO, the best thing to say to single women is "how are you?".
I assume that my married friends don't want me to always be asking, "how's your marriage?". I see them as more than the state/existence of their relationship. In fact, I'd expect them to be insulted if that was all I ever asked about.
Good point. My friends and I discuss our marriages, but I would never start a conversation by asking how's your marriage. It would be rude.
But what if a single friend starts talking about being single and isn't happy about it. What would you all like to hear then?
I don't have a magic answer for you. I don't know any grown-up single people who are unhappy with the choice they've made to stay single (it is a choice). I do know a lot of very unhappy married people, people in the process of getting divorced and people who are still emotionally damaged from bad marriages and divorces. That's the truth, btw.
But whenever anyone I know is unhappy with the state of their life (in any way: job, personal relationships, etc) I encourage them to make changes and/or seek help. Unhappiness sucks.
It's funny, I know many more married people than divorced ones. We complain, but we are happily married. No doubt some acquaintances are unhappy without telling me, but it would be very odd if they all were. I have a few single friends, generally from college or high school.
I have a theory that we all move in circles of friends who are like us. This gives us a distorted view of the world. I can never quite understand how 40-50% of marriages end in divorce when most of my friends and relatives have been married 10-20+ years. I am not conservative in my politics or religion and I don't live in a politically conservative area, so I don't know why this is so. I suspect it is a combination of economics, educational level, who is available to spend time with me when I am free (married moms), and choosing friends who share your values and interests. I just have to accept that somewhere a lot of people are getting divorced.
Which is a long way of saying that I think you may be getting a distorted view of how marriage affects most people based on how it is affecting your friends.
I think most of the never-married single women I know would like to meet someone. I would be surprised if they said they were unhappy with the choices they've made in the past, but I think they believe they want to be married. In any case, there certainly are times when you're talking to a single person and they talk about wishing they weren't single.
BookMama,
I don't think I have a distorted view of marriage. I have many happily married friends and my parents were married for 40 years. However, I also know some very unhappily married people and some divorced people. Probably around the national average.
And, I'm going to suggest that the reason you think you don't know anyone who's having trouble in their marriage is because they would never tell YOU. They'll tell their single friends. And other friends who are clearly having issues. But they'll put on a show for their married friends because they're afraid of being judged. At least that's the way it is for a couple of the couples I know. God forbid the married friends know they haven't slept together in two years or spoken in months...
As to there being some single women who talk about wishing they weren't single. I wouldn't be surprised if there were many million of them. There are certainly days when I'd love a husband around for some husbandly duties. That doesn't change the fact that most single women would prefer to be defined by more than our marital status.
Heck! Married women would prefer to be defined by more than our moral status.
And I would agree with you on your analysis that people don't tell others when something is wrong in a marriage.
So many of my friends in their late 20s and early 30s are watching their parents who have been together for 20-30 years divorce over infidelity and other reasons that have been going on for most of their married life, they just didn't deal with it until the kids were gone. I am not saying this happens all the time. But no one knows what goes on in a marriage except the two people involved. Too often we define reality by what we perceive and that is misguided.
I didn't mean to offend you. I thought your last comment was suggesting that you only knew single people who were happy with their choice and miserable married or previously married people. It sounds like you know many happily married people.
I know this is hard to believe, but I don't think my friends are all hiding something about their marriages. It may be that what I interpret as complaints sounds worse to you, or it may be that we are just hanging out with different people.
As I said, I know that 40-50% of marriages really do end in divorce. Somehow I don't end up with 40-50% of the people I know well getting divorced. They aren't conservative people. I suspect that it's because people who are middle-class, more educated, and marry later are much less likely to get divorced.
I spend allot of time each day, Looking at articles on "Infowars.com" with Alex Jones 4 hr report . I really see how all is wortking towards total tyranny. Then I spend the last three hrs of the evening listening to Georrge Noory's "CoastoCoastam.com" Radio show. Sometimes you can catch me out in our local parking lot pushing shopping carts, to help an injured shoulder.
My Name is Brian, And I'm available in Sonora, Ca .E-M, " Lonsome333@Yahoo.com"
You can have all the personality and emotional offerings in the world and 95% good looks, but in my experience, if you aesthetically have 5% flaws, that flaw will be the subject of an ex girlfriends
smack talks with her friends. MOST woman have no concept of privacy when it comes to gossiping with their friends about things that should remain sacred and personal between her and her man. How come every time I overhear two woman converse, it's always about men and relationships? What goes on (or doesn't, I should say) in those minute little minds?
Narcissism is woman's worst trait. Living as if they're the leading star in their own movie.
you say narcissism is woman's worst trait....im pretty sure that you are rather narcissistic yourself. you're entire reply has the attitude that you do no wrong and that every female in the world is terrible and not worth your time. well...i agree with Frederica Bimble...you're gay. good for you. but being an a** and a narcissis isn't only a woman's trait honey
Your profile says "taken" yet you display so much bitterness for women that one can only assume that you are with a man. So, you're gay. Good for you. You wrote that 5% of your flaws would be the focus. Honey, if you referring to yourself then it is time for you to take responsibility for YOUR attitude. Women have not "done anything" to you. You have done it to yourself. No one wants to here about your self-loathing. Yes, that is what it is - self-loathing. Do you really think anyone is reading your comment and thinking, "wow, that guy is right." No, anyone worth knowing is reading it and feeling sorry for you. Change your tune and you will attract better people. Don't bother replying to my post because I won't read it. Sometimes people just need a bit of help and you are not in the position to "argue" with reason or logic. You are consume by hatred and bitterness.
You might want to say a silent thanks that you actually HAVE someone, if you are "taken". It never ceases to amaze me how the most hate-filled, silly people will manage to get a mate and then behave as if it is their "right" to have someone.
I stated on another post that men are much more sensitive and emotional than women and your posts are more evidence to support that statement. If you don't want to hear about women talking about their sex lives, then don't eavesdrop on them. Go talk about something you'd like to talk about with your friends. What business is it of yours anyway?
What I hate is the if you have them flaunt them crap? Between the skanks and the female homosexuals, I cant get anyone. I am not a dyke. I want dick. I hate women more. I am surprised I havent turned into a female version of that gym guy. I am 39 single and NEVER BEEN KISSED. I hate shows like Millionare Matchmaker and Tough Love preaching this if you got it flaunt sh*t. I wished I could go on Matchmaker and give Patty a piece of my mind. No wonder I have blood pressure problems at my age from all the stress of being ALONE. And to add salt to the wounds I will be tested to see if I am an Aspie (what people with Aspenger's Syndrome call themselves) next month. I have tried on line dating only to be rejected. What I am looking for in a man is one who is white, full head of hair (longer the better), employed who isnt athesit agnostic or a devil worshiper and who WONT laugh at my autism. Also being in the age range of 38-44 who is about my height or a little taller too.
who is employed who isnt athesit agnostic or a devil worshiper and who WONT laugh at my autism i can understand but you lost me when you say your looking for a guy with full head of hair which is no fault of his own if he has little or none.
you should be happy to be kissed by a man period
LOL! You have autism, expect no one to judge you for it, yet you claim to desire a man with a full head of hair? WTF?!
No offence, looks aren't everything, but being in you're normal height to weight range might aid you in you're quest of becoming un-single.
...reality check.
Amazing, simply amazing. Most if not all of you have made this about YOU and only YOU. What YOU want and what YOU are willing to accept. Well then you should get used to being single because that's what you will be now and in the future. There is no perfect fit. And if you think you have found it you will soon find that the person is not the perfect fit and the relationship will fail. With the ME being satisfied at all costs, every relationship will go down the tubes just like every one you have had (that's why you are single right??).
Did any of you ever here of compromise? Sometimes you may need to give in to make something good work. A relationship can not be perfect, you would probably get bored of that anyway and that would be down the tubes. Yes you do need to know what is important to you and try to get that satisfied as much as possible, but there are times when you have to give a little to get a lot. As long as you are of the mind set me first and only there is no way a relationship can work. Don't you see? A me first and only, paired with a me first and only will never have a chance.
Compromise and work at it. Successful relationships don't just happen they take work and understanding. And if you think they do just happen in the ME first world, I hope you like being single.
Ah, a sane and sound answer, thank you for restoring my faith in woma...oh, nevermind, you're a man, that's no suprise.
Pick up lines? What kind of lame weirdos have you dated? You actually let guys have sex with you based on pick up lines?
Please provide me with an example of a "good" pick up line...
Ugh, I get the whole "you're too picky" comment a lot and it bugs me so much. Of course, I'm picky, if I'm going to spend my time with a guy, he better meet at least 90% of what I'm looking for or it's not going to work. Plain and simple. I don't want to settle for anyone, I want to be with someone who's gonna rock my world and make me feel special and someone who I enjoy being around every time I'm with them. And watching my friends settle for a guy usually don't end up happy or are always unsatisfied. I don't care if I have to wait 90 years, I'm going to be picky!
newsflash, you better fit 90% of what HE wants too, now the odds are slimmer, better lower them expectations and compromise a little honey, sorry to shatter your "Sex In The City" delusions.
By the way, I would love if you could provide me with a detailed(and I mean fully detailed list) of those things you're "looking for". I'm writing a book about woman and would appreciate you're feedback. Thank You.
Wow. Lol sorry honey, I don't and never have watched "Sex and the City" so I don't know what sort of "delusions" you're talking about. But I do see what you're trying to tell me, and I understand, but I'll just say this: I know I'm being picky and I know that I expect a lot from a man, and yes, I do know that I have to compromise in order to make things work (that's why I said 90% instead of 100%), but I have standards and I am not gonna lower them. I know that can seem stubborn to some people, but like I stated before, I don't care if I'm gonna be single for another 100 years, I want to be with someone who in my world is "perfect." What is so wrong with that?
I feel the same way. I will die before I settle. Someone better care for me as much as I care for them or forget it. We may grow old alone but it is better than growing old with someoneone you wish were at the bottom of a pond.
"Someone better care for me as much as I care for them or forget it."
those are not physical qualities you mentioned as what you are looking for in a.
woman
these days women base relationships all about a guys looks,hair, bmw, porsche or his harley motorcycle etc, and his high paying job..
Anyone ever consider some of those same things are said to Men by Women. For Males with the feeling preference it has the same negative reaction, but the reasons behind them vary. Especially the tone it down part. And the get back out there part. Relating to the get back out there part heavily, because the way we date has changed, and after a long term relationship has ended everyone tells you this, but they don't tell you how. Either because they are still single are they are in a long term relationship. It really is a bit of a catch 22 for people in that situation. Tone it down, well some people are naturally busy, hyper creatures, we can't help it, if fact if we tone it done we get all wacky.
I think people need to worry about themselves, and stop worrying about someone else being single. I believe woman and men who feel they need to be in a relationship to be happy, is not sure of themseleves,or insecure. Iam a single woman, and Iam not going to committ until iam sure I have found the right one. I enjoy my freedom, and I feel good about myself as a woman, you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
All of this advice is extremely annoying, especially when it comes unsolicited. Usually it's either from other singles who are desperate to find a guy and need to comment on the inadequacies of other singles to make themselves feel more dateable. The other offenders are people who are paired up and think finding a significant other is some sort of accomplishment. They think singles are either repulsive jerks nobody else would want or simply unfortunate.
Here are my thoughts on the so-called advice (and there are a few legitimate points):
1) Not trying hard enough - Of course I'm not trying. I like being single. Got a problem with that?
2) Wear more makeup - There is a difference between not wearing makeup and being a slob. The idea that a woman is unpresentable or unappealing if she dares to leave the house and let people see what she really looks like is insulting. I have yet to see a discernible difference in attractiveness between singles and people who are committed. My thought on makeup is you don't need it if you're attractive, and if you're homely, it won't fool anyone. Look at all the ugly women have guys. Sure, some of them would probably look nice with their hair fixed with a little makeup and some cute clothes, but a lot of them would still be average or homely. Even if it helps some people a lot, how can you expect a guy not to feel duped once he gets used to one look and then once she's snagged him, she pulls a "bait and switch."
The "wear more make" comment is also sexist. Nobody would think to tell a guy he was less appealing because his eyelashes weren't long enough or his lips weren't the right shade of pink. And unless you have severe circulatory problems, nobody's eyelids should be blue or purple. To a large extent, the "beautiful" woman is the woman who is perceptably artificial. The fact that she can't leave the house without makeup is tangible evidence that she has the socially appropriate feminine attitude that she is not appealing as is. If she feels prettier with make up, by all means, she should do what makes her feel good, but it shouldn't be viewed as a necessity.
To me, "don't be a slob," means be a) be clean, b) be neat - no holes in your clothes and hair should be nicely combed or styled, c) if you have a noticeable smell, it had better be perfume, and d) dress for the occasion.
3) Get back out there - Obviously, if you're looking to pair up, it isn't going to happen if you're sitting in front of the TV with your dog all the time. Prince Charming isn't going to come knock on your door or fly through your window even if he exists. You have to meet people. That said, if you aren't much of a people person and you'd rather be home with a good book than on a date, there is no reason to get "out there."
4) You're too picky - Of course I'm picky. Sure, I'll usually say yes to a date or two with a guy who seems nice and wholesome just because meeting new people and possibly making new friends is fun, but if I can't see myself having sex with only him for the rest of my life, it isn't going to happen. If commit means exclusive, people should be picky. I don't mean in the sense of demanding perfection, but I do mean commit to someone only if you have very strong feelings for the person and are reasonably compatible. The last guy I dated was wonderful. He is exactly the type of guy I would consider committing to, but there just weren't any sparks. Luckily, we had the "what are we" talk on Valentine's Day, and I was relieved to learn he felt the same way. We still see each other occasionally and have a good time.
Think of finding a guy like shopping. a) Don't check out unless you're willing to purchase. And try it on first. Don't go from "Hi, my name is Jill" to "this is my boyfriend Dan."
b) One size does not fit all. Some people would be compatible with most other people. Others need a particular size, in this case, personality or interests. If your idea of fun is an evening with friends, there are lots of people who would be suitable dates. If you like diving out of airplanes and scuba-diving in shark-infested waters and want someone to share those activities with, you probably want people with a thrill-seeking side. If you're a quiet person with strong religious views, you probably want to date people within your faith who don't talk a lot. This dating pool might be considerably smaller.
5) Tone it down - This one really depends on the situation. Some people should change "who they are" because they are rude whiny people who insist on bullying other people into giving them their way and they make everyone around them miserable with their boorish, childlike behavior. If you are the type who throws food at the waiter because it isn't cooked right "being yourself" is just an excuse to mistreat other people. Instead of looking for a hapless victim or finding someone just as nasty as yourself so you can make each other miserable, it is best for everyone if you simply stay nasty and single (and not pass on any of your genes).
Other times, tone it down means other people are insecure. If someone asks you about college and you say you went to State University at Bumblefludgenowhere, you're down to earth. If you got a Ph.D from Stanford and say that, you're "intimidating." What are you supposed to do? Lie? And why should you it be taboo to even mention it. College is big part of some people's life. If you're very ambitious and career-driven, it was probably a huge part. Other people talk about their college memories all the time. People shouldn't assume your are trying to impress just because you mention Stanford in conversation. (I didn't go to Stanford, but that isn't the point).
Same thing if you're an attorney or a brain surgeon. People usually say things, like, "Oh, that's impressive." If you say, "no, not really," that is just stupid and people think you are a bookworm with no confidence. If you agree, you are full of yourself. You can't win because insecure people will judge you either way. I try to stick to neutral responses like, "I learned a lot in law school," or "I love my work," but people will still label you if they are inclined that way.
I love a woman that has a lot to say like yourself, however, you lost me at "but if I can't see myself having sex with only him for the rest of my life". Things were going so good until I read that. You almost restored my faith in overly demanding woman.
For this I feel I deserve an explanation. What defines good sex to you? And please don't sugar coat, just tell it like it is, I'm curious now...
Hello, "TheTruthGetsSpoken,"
To respond to your question, I'm not sure there's much to sugarcoat. If sex is something you're saving for marriage (it is for me), then I would have to find the guy highly attractive in a physical way: I wouldn't sit there and ask myself, "if I was going to pick one person in the world as a sex partner, would it be him." If his smile turned me on and I couldn't get him out of my head, I wouldn't be comparing him to other hot guys. I would just feel like I only wanted him, and it would be sort of automatic. What I was trying to say was that if I don't feel that kind of physical attraction to a guy, I wouldn't proceed to the commitment stage. I think every decent guy should have someone who finds him sexy. I suppose the way I phrased it sounded a bit more "Sex in the City" than I meant to convey. (Yes, I actually saw that show once when a guy friend of mine insisted I would like it--he was gorgeous but unfortunately very gay). Of course being hot is only part of the equation. I'm only highlighting that part here because that is the part you asked about.
Sorry it took so long to respond. I don't log in very often, and I've been busy with work and a new guy I met. I guess I'm officially unsingle. We're really enjoying each other. It's been about 6 weeks. I suppose I should change my relationship status at some point. I haven't dated in a long time so stuff like that doesn't usually occur to me, and today the site keeps freezing up and giving me issues.
I get called too picky all of the time! I don't care how great a guy seems to everyone else. I'm the only one that knows he smelled a little funny, cried at Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, had a chronic whistle nose, kept doing things that I ask him not to because he thought it was funny to get a rise out of me (like calling my cats lesbians), gave me a key after 3 weeks, wore a hat for our first 4 dates so that I had no idea his hairline was trying its hardest to distance itself from his nose, "surprised" me with a visit from his parents, crapped with the bathroom door open, stole the tip I left at a restaurant, GOT DEPLOYED AND FORGOT TO MENTION IT. Seriously, this is a compilation of only a few things that bugged me about the last several guys I dated......briefly. Am I really being picky or am I just unwilling to put up with petty BS just to be able to say I have a man? Stop giving your single friends advice unless they ask for it. If they are a serial complainer, change the subject.
4 dates so that I had no idea his hairline was trying its hardest to distance itself from his nose.
Are you serious? Are you that frigid and Cold? It's people like you that make me take anti depressants. I'm bald, but good looking, is my lack of hairline a deal breaker? For every flaw you mention in others, try to match it with one of yours honey. You take craps like the rest of us, and have menstrual cycles, and you complain about baldness. You are laughable, I hope you remain single and miserable for the rest of your life because you deserve that.
I agree. The one that is a deal breaker from the list you've written is the "doing things just to get a rise out of me." If I see that behaviour, that's it. It's over. What I noticed is, these guys weren't getting a rise out of me for what they were saying or doing - it was the immaturity of behaving like little boys when they're grown men. That is what would wind me up and of course, they'd think it was because they'd achieved their aim. Weird. Don't listen to that guy who replied before me - his statement is borderline "wind 'em up to get a rise." Ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha.....
Lists? Do you realize how crazy you sound? Do you have any idea how you make you're gender look like to the opposite sex at all? I can't believe I share the planet with such beings.
Guess if better make-up and sexier clothes would do the trick I'm for it. It that means putting on a front? NAAY. Is that you feel better about yourself at that time.As a single woman I enjoy my every day life a lot I come and go as I please go where I want and come home when and if I need to. Travel often on vacations or weekenders . .As long as you feel comfortable , dress sexy but not slutish. smile a lot , be friendly and walk with a wiggle on your tail as hispanic women do.That is not being someone else , that's using your femenine traits that you haven' t used for a while. Feel free to improvise and improve even if its take a while until you get used to it and make it a habit Feeling attractive is a great feeling that helps us feel more secure and femenine. As long as you don't portray yourself as someone you're not , be femenine !
AS a woman, you already have the upper hand, so what are you worried about? It's funny how woman say they feel pressure from the media to look attractive. But when woman have the upper hand, that fact is magnified when it comes to men. So be happy you're on the upper hand of the battle.
"Celebrate being single!!" That's the worst! Of course, it doesn't make sense to sit around and cry into your pinot grigio, but when you're feeling lonely, it ain't easy to celebrate. Maybe someone should make sparkly party hats with the word, "single and proud" across the front? I'd definitely wear one of those!!
"Suggesting that a woman reduce the fullness of who she is to lure a mate will lead to an inauthentic connection, and is a recipe for a disastrous relationship or marriage. Because really, how long can any person fake it and maintain a facade?"
This is possibly the worst advice you could give a woman. Sometimes, not all the time, the woman's "fullness" is actually pretty damn obnoxious, cold and downright bitchy. No, men do not love bitches. No, men don't find a woman's ball busting nature attractive. There's a point where a woman needs to stop as ask herself if maybe the challenge she's facing has to do with her demeanor, not with the so-called wusses she continues to meet.
That's interesting how you've managed to translate the concept of a person being authentic and true to themselves to "being a bitch." That isn't logical. It appears that you would do well to work on your OWN self-esteem and not assume women who believe in themselves and expect to be treated with dignity and respect are "bitches."
As a man I also disagree. I have no reason to hide the "fullness" of who I am in a relationship, and I certainly don't want my partner to hide any aspect of herself as well. My current GF came right out and told me within the first week that she is crazy, bitchy, argumentative, extremely jealous, and a host of other negative things.
I haven't found her to be anything beyond a "norm" for all of that, especially considering what I know of her background. She believed that she was undateable because other "men" had broken up with her for these reasons and her ex used all those traits as leverage against her leaving him, saying that no other guy would ever have the patience or experience to put up with her...I could almost put that in quotes.
There is a point where a person is just a ball-buster because they are afraid to get close, and then there really are others out there who think they are ball busters because the guys they were with really were just wusses. Hide who you are and that is what you'll end up...someone who you really don't want in the long run. Show everyone the true you and eventually you find someone that actually wants all that "you" are.
Actually, I've got to disagree with you. it's really good advice. No one should enter a relationship based on false pretenses or a false assumption of who someone is. You can't expect people to fake being someone who they aren't just to bag a man and then revert back to those old patterns. And your judgment about people's "fullness" is pretty harsh. In my experience, people's obnoxious habits are usually derived from a lack of self confidence and are defense mechanisms, because people have been giving them advice like yours.
And I disagree with you, Lyz. I think Moxie has it right; nowhere is she suggesting that anyone would have to lie. It's actually about changing attitude and accepting that any relationship won't allow you to be "fully yourself" (or full of yourself?).
Of course everyone wants to be loved for who they are but, guess what, sometimes "who they are" is just not lovable; so changing is a necessity. Not faking the change but really change and accept to take a different perspective.
In all rationality, the other party is not going to pull the effort to better match your expectations if they clearly feel it's going to be one-sided.
That is an unfortunate view. I actually believe a good relationship gives you the space to be "fully yourself." I find that my marriage has done just that, so I know it can happen. I think you and Moxie are confusing being yourself with being selfish. They are entirely different things. Sure, sometimes people need to change but no one should ever change for anyone else. Change needs to come from yourself and for yourself. Otherwise its inauthentic. And you should never get into a relationship hoping someone will change. That's the point here. You should be in a relationship with someone who loves ALL of you, obnoxiousness and all. And that does happen. I've been with that guy for over 8 years.
And both you and Moxie assume that what you deem as "unlovable" is "unlovable" to others. My point is that's a subjective value judgment about other people's personalities. If you find someone obnoxious, no one is forcing you to be with them. Just don't assume that because you can't accept them other people can't. There is no absolute standard of obnoxiousness.
I think you're misreading my point. The assumption here is that a person has such a repulsive character that they get rejected by everyone they date. People like that exist!
For example someone who's extremely arrogant or condescending. I'm not saying that there would be nobody who would consider a relationship with them, but they would be very rare so the bottom line is that the person remains desperately single. In such case, there are only two choices: either they give up and decide to remain single forever or they change.
I am not misunderstanding you at all. You are saying some people have a "repulsive character" and I am saying that is a value judgment. I know tons of people I find "repulsive" who are in fabulous, long-term, fulfilling relationships. Even serial killers get married. The point here is to stop judging other people and telling them what to do. If you don't like them, don't be with them. But don't assume that just because YOU don't like them no one will. Your value judgments about a person's character are subjective.
It doesn't have to be either change or be miserable. One person's "repulsive" is another person's "quirky".
would you be talking this way if you werent married? i dont think so.
you would probably be the one desperate enuff to marry a serial killer.
i take advice very lightly from people who are living a h****y dorey life in marriage giving advice to single people. they forget what its like to be single or got married when they were 16 or 18 so theyve never really lived the single life during the dog days of 30s and 40s
So the serial-killer should keep on being his/her serial-killing-self for s/he has found someone to marry?
Of course it's value-judgment. Everything in relationships is value-judgment. And then you have guys and gals who complain that the value-judgment of all people they have dated had resulted in rejection. The people they are interested in run away in haste after a few dates. So what do you tell them? "Keep on trying; you'll end up finding the right person that loves all that you are."? Sounds cool, except that it just doesn't happen. They try and try and try... to no avail.
In real life, my wife has a friend who's exactly what I'm depicting. She's not unattractive at all, but a picky drama-queen who's basically spent the last 20 years jumping from date to date, having an accidental kid along the way. Now she's in her mid-40's still single and still looking... I can't help thinking it's kinda compromised, although her persistence is admirable
:-) You all were having two very good separate thoughts in the same conversation...
Yes, there's a person that you may find quirky and just not your type and someone else finds this person as the love of their life, so we can't make judgement calls on everyone and...
Yes, there are grown women, very grown women who are full of drama, still wonder why their single, they do not listen to frienterventions, and then bring a child into the drama, unfortunate for the child
WOOHOOO!!! Pure awesomeness Lyz! Being yourself is always the absolute key to having a successful relationship! Its not good being with a partner who can't accept who you really are as a person, and vice versa.
Why is being single the end of the world? It is not! There is no such thing as "the one" there are the many who you can be with relate to enjoy the company of etc some are confident and assertive others shy and reserved. But being single as the end think not. The idea that you have to have a BF/gf/lover/spouse is silly.
Anyway start thinking you are god's gift to men. Attractiveness starts in our self concept.
While I haven't been single for a long time, my best friend has never been married and I listen to her woes all the time. Plus, I have a different perspective after being married for a long time.
I would listen to NONE of that advice!!! I can understand if you are interested in finding the "right person" for you, but first, find out what you want. Not just in a relationship, but other things as well. Do you really want to try sky diving or take art classes? Don't put off doing what interests you and will help you grow as a person. Learn to enjoy the little things. If you are well adjusted, happy and in tune with your own wants and needs you have a much better chance at choosing the right type of person to be with.
Not only that, but if you are happy and self-confident you will be attractive and appealing to others as well.
People are crazily into MARRIAGE, R'SHIPS, and LOVE. The reasons for this are both inner and outer influences.
Inner: Insecurity over who you are thus requiring a 'significant' other; feeling that happiness only arrives in the form of a romantic partner; inability to deal with loneliness or sexual frustration (another prob, is not being able to ... Read moredifferentiate btwn those two); feeling unattractive, un-special, or problematic simply because you are "single"; comparing.
Outer: Disney, Hollywood, mass media, traditionalism, religion, family input, fairy farts (tales), etc....basically society in general.
theres nothing wrong with a woman having a part time job and preparing herself for marriage qualities: cooking , loving, sewing, baking, ptience, knitting, child rearing taking good care of her man etc
i applaude those women doing that. what good is a college degree if a woman cant even fry eggs or change a diaper? you women have it all wrong these days you want a guy to cook and clean for you which should be a womans role to begin with.
But hey but im not that calous to think i shouldnt give my wife a helping hand when needed in the house chores and in the kitchen
Actually, this is really bad advice for finding a man. If you want to meet an educated, professional man, get an education. I promise you, they're going to be looking for someone smart and educated. They will have no clue whether or not you can change a diaper until you have kids.
i was expecting that much from feminist attitudes who care more about their own stupid carreer than caring about their man and kids. these are the attitudes common in such a selfish me world. As expected coming from a lady manager i understand now it is beneath you to put husband and family first instead you and your job and career come first.
I know i wont find someone with your attitude
You've made such good comments, although here I think you missed the point...'use your single time to prepare to for marriage '....
1) when you are a person who, although a contented single at this point in your life, in the long run, wants to be married...so you leave your heart and mind open to the opportunities that come up around you
2) this statement doesn't mean you're sitting around the house cooking and cleaning all day, it means that you are going to college and getting a job, traveling, doing whatever grows you as a person so that you do not enter a marriage unfulfilled
3) it means that you are deciding what type of person fits you and your needs, take time to determine what you are seeking in a mate, decide where there will be no compromise- you know like, you may want kids, he doesn't, your Christian, he's an atheist, etc
4) study other marriages, see how they work or don't work, people go into marriage with the idea of a soulmate, marriage is love and a lot of work, it's a partnership of mutual respect between two people who have decided to work hard, fight, make-up, raise children, pay the bills, make a life together that propels them both forward, know that before you get married
whats wrong with being at home learning to do woman things as cooking cleaning raising children? whats the point of having college diploma and not being able to even make a meal for your future husband and child? if a woman can do that and schooling and maybe a part time job more power to her..great job. but if she can only achieve a degree without knowing a single thing about the house and cooking. that degree is useless in the marriage or relationship
Exactly... once people realize that most relationships are not Cinderella stories they might have a chance.
Love is wonderful. Marriage is an outdated institution that rarely works out (or should I say stays happy as in "happily ever after). Being single is not a disease that needs to be cured - live, learn and enjoy friends instead of obsessing about finding someone.
again going back to what I posted above, marriage is not outdated, it's just gotten really confused...the suffragist movement was a must but the sexual revolution was a disaster because we're all seekingthe same thing but now men and women don't know not to relate to each other anymore because there are too many of us looking for sex and not love and being told that that's okay...but at the end of the day you're going to feel empty and wonder if that's all there is...
the world, at least America, seems to have gotten off track with how marriage works outside of 'love'....be in love when you get married and also know that it takes work to stay married...being tired of a person is not an excuse to get a divorce but we have so many outside influences coming into marriages these days it gets hard to stick through it....
and I thought it was very interesting that your current situaiton is 'complicated' and that you're 'looking for something more'...
marriage is not outdated, it's just gotten really confused...the suffragist movement was a must but the sexual revolution was a disaster because we're all seekingthe same thing but now men and women don't know not to relate to each other anymore because there are too many of us looking for sex and not love and being told that that's okay...but at the end of the day you're going to feel empty and wonder if that's all there is...
the world, at least America, seems to have gotten off track with how marriage works outside of 'love'....be in love when you get married and also know that it takes work to stay married...being tired of a person is not an excuse to get a divorce but we have so many outside influences coming into marriages these days it gets hard to stick through it....
Celeste34, best comments so far. You're not only smart, you are wise.
HAVE FUN WHILE YOUR SINGLE! there is nothing wrong with you in most cases. It just isn't your time to get hitched. And yes you should be picky, don't ever settle for less than what you want and spend the rest of your life paying for it. Hang in there and have fun along the way!
1) What's Said: MAYBE YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH.
I've never really considered that phrase to be advice...it's kind of like a conversation filler when you're tired of listening to a friend who is whining about not being able to find a date.
2) What's Said: WEAR MORE MAKEUP.
This just means - TRY. You should at least make an attempt to look presentable when you're going out on dates. Dress up, do your hair, do your makeup.... Only when you get to the hanging out on the couch stage of dating do you tone it down and relax with less makeup and your hair in a ponytail. And don't give me that crap about "being yourself." Be yourself, but looking like a slob is unacceptable.
3) What's Said: GET BACK OUT THERE!
This just means to suck it up, get over it, and get on with life... No since in crying over spilled milk.
4) What's Said: YOU'RE TOO PICKY!
I do hate this phrase, but that's because I am picky. I'm not going to settle for mediocre when I can have flaming hot.
5) What's Said: TONE IT DOWN A NOTCH
I've never had experience with this one, but I know what the deal is. You want to come off as classy and attractive... Not trashy and an easy lay...it's that simple.
1) What's meant: time to try online dating
2) What's meant: and go to the gym
3) What's meant: time to join a weekend kickball team?
4) What's meant: stop trying to date over your level
5) What's meant: you're just not normal
Sure, to some degree we gloss over the "seedier" aspects of our past to make the most favorable of first impressions...until we learn enough about ourselves to realize that we should be looking for someone that accepts us for the genuine article. Yeah, you're still selling your finer qualities, but that doesn't mean that you hide or ignore your real self, even on a first date.
Men, to varying degrees, deal with these issues as well. Most of us feel like we either have to have fat bank accounts or rock hard six packs to even get noticed. Its not "rocket science" that it would definitely work...to a degree. Once again, the implication is the belief that we lack something that will attract the opposite (or same) sex. You'll attract more people, but are they really the people that you want to be attracted to? Do they want you, or do they want someone with that glamour look? I like a woman with no make-up, in jeans and a t-shirt, and her hair in a pony tail...but then again there is a huge variance on what men really like.
Kudos to you Judy! While I absolutely believe you were the hottest woman in the room, I have a feeling the real attraction wasn't simply the additional make up and hipper clothes. It was the attitude that prompted you to put it on. For whatever reason that morning you took a look in the mirror and probably thought "I am one sexy bitch!", and went with that mojo. Just that attitude is unbelievably sexy. Sure there are women that kind of delude themselves with that thought, but when a person wakes up from their usual hum-drum and sees how hot they really are at that moment its like it cranks up the psychich pheremones that put every man on alert. Revel in those moments.
Too many people focus on being single as a bad thing. Enjoy it when you're there. Accept it, build a relationship with yourself, and (surprise of surprises) eventually something worthwhile finds you!
Yesterday I went into a venue I've frequented in the past, but did my hair a little cuter, wore some hipper clothing than usual, and wore some sexy-looking lipstick and makeup. Every guy I was acquainted with wanted to hug or kiss me hello, and multiple men I didn't know used pick-up lines such as "Hey, I have that shirt--we found something in common." (Lame, but started a conversation.) It certainly was an uptick for me in making connections. I felt a little bit funny done up more than usual. I was nervous that I looked too done up for this particular venue, and I was certainly the hottest catch in the place, but I rationalized it by telling myself that many women walk around all the time looking this hot, and I admire them when they do.
ON THE OTHER HAND: I think that I've consciously decided to improve my visual image, so this is not out of line with my desires, even if it was going a bit out of my safe zone. I think you have to feel comfortable--or comfortable enough--in your skin. I would say there's probably some happy medium--perhaps an experimental zone--where you might make a little change here or there and see how men (and women) respond to you.
I was not expecting this. I assumed single women didn't like to be called fat or sluts. I think "back out there" just means "hey, chica, get over your last boyfriend, already, and be willing to entertain the idea of meeting someone new." "Wear more makeup" just means, "look presentable because men are really into attractive women." It's not rocket surgery.
These points, while well meaning still have a kernel of voracity. I mean . . . don't we all put on some degree of false front when we meet someone we are interested in dating for the first time. Look at yourself after you've 'bagged' your man/woman. Don't you behave in a different way in some regards, after you successfully convinced that person your good traits outweigh your bad?
