It's Written All Over His Face

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It's Written All Over His Face
Find out what lips, ears and hairlines have to do with whether or not someone will be a good lover.

As if we need anymore real or imagined red flags in the dating department, Jean Haner, a supposed "expert in understanding facial features" and author of The Wisdom of Your Face thinks she's can tell by the structure of someone's mug what kind of significant other and lover they'll make. Haner claims your face is a "blueprint for who you really are inside" and somehow makes the case for outer genetics innately traveling inward.

Haner has pinpointed certain features to covet and one's to avoid.

So much for inner beauty, eh?

God help any of us if we lost the bad lover facial lottery, but here we go.

If you're looking for "sensitive guy who is emotionally available" scan the next crowded bar for a lad with a large mouth and full lips, she says. But, ladies, don't even take the number of a guy who's lower lip is larger than the upper—he's a shameless womanizer.

"It's a sign they're more hedonistic and have a tendency to be unfaithful," she says. "Maybe one woman isn't going to be enough."

However, if a man's lips aren't even visible, that means he "doesn't care at all."

Uh oh. Calling all thin-lipped-men: Quick! Run thee to the closest lip augmentation clinic!

If you're a very religious person, then please make sure your next relationship is with a man who has "a bony nose [and] sunken or hollowed cheeks." Those are the the most "spiritually sensitive" of the lot, she adds. We'll just ignore the fact that "sunken or hollowed cheeks" sounds vaguely creepy and unhealthy. Forget all that.

Large ears, no matter how goofy, symbolize confidence and the desire to take risks, where a hairline that goes straight across means one is a "rule breaker" as evidenced by Barack Obama, one of the men she analyzed.

But the face that should get the juices flowing for all men, women, children and beasts? Alex Rodriguez.

"His face is the archetype of a lover's. The tops of his ears are pointed, showing emotional volatility. His upper lip is bigger than his lower lip, showing he tends to create drama in a relationship. He's not an easy-going guy."

Oh, where's a good Madonna sound bite when you need it.

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