I have never blogged. I am an extremely private person. But I am so frustrated and hurt by the status of my relationship with my boyfriend, aka, best friend that I need an outlet. So I thought I would use this and see how it goes.
The past couple weeks I have been feeling myself pulling away from my man. Plus, little things that didn't used to bother me are REALLY bothering me now. So I am starting to look at our relationship and our history and acknowledge issues that I have chosen to ignore or shrug off as unimportant.
Two years ago we bought a home together. A home I could have purchased on my own and would have if he had been honest with me and let me know he wasn't sure about getting married. I made it very clear to him that I wanted to get married and only wanted him to co-purchase our home if he was SURE. He assured me he was SURE. Now, here we are two years later, no proposal, and I am getting more and more upset and frustrated with him. I have two sons, 22 and 15. Both of whom I have raised to embrace no sex before marriage (I know this seems ridiculous to some, but I don't want my sons to feel sleeping around and using women is ok), don't live with someone unless you are getting married to that person, etc. My man knows this. So now I have been "living" with my boyfriend who should have been my husband by now and I feel like I am a total hypocrite with my sons.
My man has helped me learn to open up and share my feelings, which has always been very difficult for me. With his encouragement, I have opened up my heart to him and have shared my feelings about how things are, and you have no idea how hard that is for me. I made it very clear that if he really does want to get married, I want to hear about it from him. I want him to be excited about it and talk about it. Show me he is serious and we are moving toward the same goal. He tells me he still wants to get married and then that is it. No comments about our future at all. I feel like my life is in limbo and I am tired of waiting on him. I feel like he is being dishonest about how he feels. Maybe he is scared, or something about our relationship is bothering him. I don't know. But I do know that this is affecting me emotionally and I can feel myself pulling away and putting up my old walls. I have thought about just asking him to leave. But that thought just breaks my heart. I seriously do not know what to do.
I have been with him for 3 1/2 years. I love him with all my heart. He is my very best friend in the world. But I feel totally betrayed by him and that he disrespects my feelings. I mean, how can he know how this is hurting me, but go on as if nothing is wrong?