I understand why President Clinton had a relationship with that woman.....
There is more than the man to blame when sh@! happens....
I know why the spouses of President Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Eliot Spitzer, and others who have strayed stand by them. It is because they know why their husbands strayed and are to blame for it. As a 47-year-old male working in an industry where I know where I stand, is it too much to ask for sex with the woman of my dreams at least once a week and on a predictable schedule? I think most of these spouses would answer that it is too much to ask. After each of these scandals, I mentioned to my wife that I feel exactly what they feel. As a man, successful in my career, I have no control over when and if I have sex in a day, week or month and the woman of my dreams. The woman of my dreams cannot and will not give me a “sex day” no matter what I promise to do or say. The need and release of physical sex is clear to me but not so clear to my wife. At this point in her life, the desire is not there, yet she loves me without question – I know it. We drive to work together each day and have the greatest conversations about our daughters, our future, financial challenges and everything else including sex yet the sexual actions do not happen. Why is this? While I have not acted on my need for physical sex, I understand how it happened in the cases I mentioned. Women, am I crazy here? Does this make sense? What should I do differently?
Thanks!
Discussion
Coming in with comments a little late here - sometimes a couple can get in a terrible cycle about sex. One partner wants it and the other doesn't. If the one who doesn't want it feels any kind of pressure, they may feel some resentment and then not want to have sex. They may also become afraid to be a little bit sexual for fear of unleashing the other person's desire or building up their hopes. Then they lose the chance they might have had to get in the mood and want sex, etc. This is a very hard cycle to break. The only thing I can think of is agreeing to some kind of holiday from sex, but spending time touching, if that is possible without driving you crazy. You have to be really careful to stick to the idea that you will accept romance and expressions of affection without pushing for something more.
Some people plan sex, but some people feel that setting a time for it puts on pressure and makes them not want to have it. I don't think you can have a definite time for sex, but couples can plan a time for romance where they spend time together without kids, etc. Maybe your wife would agree to a no-sex romance time on a regular basis or to a no-sex date or no-sex weekend away. Then you could at least build intimacy.
Also, is there any chance your beloved is depressed? Going to bed after work seems unusual unless her job is especially tiring in some way.
I think it might be worth getting help from some kind of counselors. They might be able to help you figure out a way out of the current situation or at least get you talking so the two of you can figure out what is going on.
I think the problem here is that you are approaching the situation like sex is something you deserve and that is not a good way to approach relationships with your wife. You have to work at it and learn to go through dry spells and weather them like anyone else. This is what I was saying before. People like Clinton feel like they DESERVE to have their needs met. In reality, no one deserves that. Sex is not included in the Bill of Rights.
It sounds like you are working at making it work, but it also sounds like you are blaming her for it too. I've been married long enough to know that in every relationship problem, no one is the perfect faultless party. I can't imagine how your wife felt being told that you understand why men cheat on their wives.
I don't think it is fair to you to assume that just because you take care of household chores that your wife may not have other stresses and other worries on her mind. Your comments indicate that you seem to think everything she needs is taken care of, and maybe it is. But you can't know that until you ask her and listen to her. There is no easy solution here. And that's the point, relationships take a lot of work. They take a lot of time. There are no shortcuts or easy ways out. But you are not going to get anywhere blaming her for the problem.
I can't give a married perspective, never having been wed, and while the ladies have brought up good points you have already stated that your wife is really only responsible for taking care of herself and her career. You also say that you and your wife have discussed this, or at least have talked about sex and that you have done everything you can think of to let her know of your needs. It feels like there is something missing though...something that isn't being said. I know my closest example comes no where near to what you hav going on, but my current SO is still involved in a 9 year long relationship that started going south years ago. When I met her last year she had given up on romance, intimacy, love, fulfilling sex, even just plain old good kissing. The other guy, hence forth know as Jay, just happens to be the only guy that never hit her, cheated on her, lied to her, etc. However, in the 9 years they have been together there had been no growth, no change. She is still just as far from getting a college degree now as she was then. They have never lived together, and, according to her when she and I had first met, sex was so infrequent that it seemed to be an annual thing done with all the awe and respect of observing a casual holiday.
I know that for me I have the fortune of being new and exciting, but it was a little tough getting her to see that she could get more than just settling for something. She could get someone that actually made her happy. It sounds like your wife has someone that makes her happy. I guess my real question to you is this; Is she happy with herself? No matter how much you see her as a sexual goddess, she may see herself differently.
So is there more that you aren't telling us? You have every right to want your physical needs met, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to schedule this time...for some couples that is the only way.
I somewhat agree with you however, as a 44 year old female that has been married for 26 years I do see something you overlooked. My husband felt very much like you for many years and the one thing he never realized is, the children we had took everything I had left to give so by the end of the day all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I also worked outside the home and when I got home in the evenings the children became my second job. So after spending the evening cooking, cleaning and taking care of all the children’s needs when bedtime came around and it was time to hang up my mommy hat for the day I didn't feel like the sex goddess my husband wanted. It was not that I didn't have needs it was just that they got pushed aside for the children’s needs. It is hard to go from maid, cook, referee, psychologist, and taxi driver to sex goddess when you have no energy left and feel like a used up dish rag. I never stopped to think about my husband’s feelings on this until my children grew up and moved out of the house. After the children left I found my sex goddess again. While I was trying to understand the change in myself I realized I no longer had to play full time mommy to our children and could now focus on my own needs. While this change in myself was great for our marriage it was about this time that my husband’s libido begin to decrease. So we in effect changed roles, as he now wants to go to sleep and I am left wanting so I now understand how he felt when I said not tonight. I guess what I am saying is, look at the situation from your wife’s view of things and ask yourself if you had to devote all your extra energy to playing mommy full time at the end of the day would you be able to drop the mommy hat and immediately pick up the sex goddess hat. While your wife may not feel like a sex goddess right now and things may seem bad there is hope for the future if you can hang on until your child is grown things do change. Until your daughter grows up and moves out you might try going away with your wife for a weekend without your daughter. I know that when my husband and I went away for a weekend without the children I had the time to focus on my needs and for the weekend I found my sex goddess hat again.
djacs,
You make a good point and I did not mention it in my post. I do not ask my wife to do anything around the house - I cook, clean, do the laundry, handle as many of the issues with my daughter as I can. I really only want her to commit to one night, one hour, some time in the week, every two weeks or at least once a month that is for me. That is all. I have spent my entire life understanding and attempting to anticipate my wife's needs because I did not want her to believe she had to do everything in the house. I really hope your husband realizes the sex goddes he has - even if he only starts to enjoy more cuddling. Good luck and keep posting here.
benb
Thanks for your comment, Lyz. Why do you believe I want a sex machine? Is agreeing to "my time", and not necessarily "sex time" once a week, once every two weeks, or once a month about control? I am not so sure. My wife is a wonderful wife, mother, and friend to me - she just does not have the desire she once had and seems uninterested in taking the time for it. I did not mention that while we both work, when she arrives home at the end of the day she goes up stairs and hops in bed. I cook dinner, do the laundry, vacuum, and even bring her a plate when dinner is done. I grew up in a house where my mother did all the housework and my dad went to work - I knew it would not be the same for me. However, I did not know it would be so different. The desire to have sex now is something that I feel almost like that feeling I hear women get when they reach 30 something and want a baby. Not all have this feeling, not all act on it, but is happens. The point of my posting was to share why I think it happens. I do not stray but I know why one might. What do you think?
benb
