lost life


I really wanted to have a love that cared for me and was supportive of my goals as I was of hers.  I guess that was wishful thinking.  Never happened.  I have had four marriages only the first did we really remain friends all these years.  The others, well i felt that i got to be an bulwark against her parents so she could join the army.  That was one where my counselor was blathering about "inner beauty" and I got taken.  I was her enabler to lose the weight so she could do what she really wanted.  I was very inexperienced socially having spent my high school years buried in books.  In those days being multi-racial was not accepted in the small town where I went to school.  I am sure you are wondering why I did not go for "colored girls"  that was because my interest level was low and I can't stand the feel of their hair.  That's the way I am. 
    After high school came jr college then the university where i went to parties and had fun and even made friends.  I met my first wife and she was one of the few really pretty girls although we did not date as such.
But,I felt a lack of something.  And got a divorce. Emotionally, I did not feel like I had what my heart wanted.
    I became very ill and moved to San Francisco for a summer  which was not a wise move for my health.
I moved to the dryer air of Boulder Colorado.  I did make some aquaintences but no connection.  Or I just did not have the social skills to make one.  I did make a on again off again girl friend but was not ready for all the baggage.  I needed a girlfriend,a lover,a companion and she was not it.  By this time I was forming a criteria of what traits I wanted in a girlfriend.  Finding one that matched was not high on my list of priorities.  Jobs came and went with no direction except writing. I went to whatever job would pay my rent.

        At community college I met my 2nd wife,The one who used me to ward off her parents and join the army.  I really did not like them and they did not like me my judgement of them was the puppy she lefe with them became a frightened dog so sad that I saw just what they really were.    I divorced her primarily because while she was away she was having unprotected sex and I did not want to get stuck with a kid that was not mine. 
       Then the years of famine. I took whatever job I could get to pay the rent.  I worked at an art company in LA only to get laid off in the fall.  I returned to Denver worked 3 jobs and entered school in economics and business.  Then transferred to a four year college where exhaustion caught up with me along with wife number 3.  I guess that failed because we never laid out a plan.  I was working my way in retail and she was working we had it ok.  But her bad temper and constant criticism  wore on me.  Then she decided out of the blue to return to school with out any planning what so ever!  That hurt as I appeared to me she did not really care.  Her secret agenda did not take me into account and it went downhill fast. 

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