Dating Detox: I Took A 3-Year Break From Men
One woman goes three years without a date to kick her bad-boy habit.
When you hear the word "detox" all sorts of things come to mind: spas, juice fasts, colonics, rehab centers. People enter detoxification programs to rid their bodies of toxins, lose a little weight, maybe look and feel better about the damage they've done to their bodies. Detoxifications are done when you eat too many chips, drink too many drinks, do too many drugs. But how do you detoxify from poor love decisions? Is there a Promises out there for people who have had one toxic relationship after another? How do you take the damage done from too many bad relationships to enable a fresh start?
I came into dating like a lot of young women with a challenged self-esteem from developing too early. I spent a lot of time hiding from boys in junior high and high school. A a self-professed band geek with braces and glasses, my M.O. was to stay as far under the radar as possible.
All of my friends tried to give me advice as they had their first kisses and groping sessions with boys they'd learned to attract. I began trying these tactics ever so hesitantly on boys I thought were cute, which in high school meant any boy who looked in my direction for longer than five seconds. That was how it started: I became a Rejection Junkie.
The objects of my addiction took on many forms: the Misunderstood Artist, the Shy Musician, the Brooding Soccer Player, the Beatnik Fellow Band Geek. I would fall madly for them, they would lose interest, and I would lie at home crying into my covers. I'd lament love and listen to depressing radio until some poor guy would pick up a pencil I dropped in English class and become my next unwitting pusher.
On the last night of high school, one of the coolest boys in my class—the captain of the wrestling team and a smoking hot jock—came up to me and admitted that he thought I was cute. I didn't know what to do about what he said next: "Yeah, I always wanted to ask you out, but you were always into all these other really weird guys. I figured you weren't really into guys like me, so I never asked you."
I wish I could say I went out with him. I didn't. I didn't know what to do with that comment. He wouldn't have rejected me, so I wasn't really interested.
College was slightly easier for me. After the Hot Jock boosted my confidence, I went out to my first fraternity party and picked up the hottest football player I could find. He took me on my first date and we dated for about a week, which seemed like a lifetime to me. Then, the first love of my life arrived: brooding, cleft chin you could drink champagne out of, and green eyes that could burn a hole in your soul. He made a beeline for me at a party, and with one look at this Christian Slater look-alike, life as I knew it disappeared. We spent the entire night talking and kissing on the stairs of the fraternity house.
Discussion
I took a 3 year dating hiatus myself about 2 years ago, it wasn't a planned thing I just got tired of the really bad choices in men I continually made. I guess it sort of started after a close friend made a comment to me (although done jokingly) "You don't want to date him, he has a job" On an unconscious level it struck home with me that I had become "Flypaper for Freaks and Losers" A phrase my best friends daughter coined for describing her mother's choices of friends and lover's. I realized I too had developed the "Flypaper Syndrome" I started making myself unavailable for dating or involvement by just taking a step back from it. I still went out, met friends at the local bar enjoying socializing even dancing etc. but never let anyone old or new cross my new found boundary of abstinence. I slowly began to see I didn't need another person to complete me, that I am enough just being me. I began to see that I could be alone and yet not lonely, that I could spend time with myself and it was comfortable where as before I couldn't stand to be alone with myself. Life was good !!! then one day out of the blue a friend told me I was lonely, that I needed to find someone to love and be with. That she (this friend was older than I ) was lonely and miserable and i would end up that way too if I didn't get back in the game. I could just kill that B#$&* I bought into that and quickly regained my "Flypaper" status in no time. Now I am trying to rebuild my relationship with myself and my family after the months it took to finally rid myself of the total loser and user that stuck to me a year and a half ago.
Good for you to recognize a behavioural pattern and bust it up! I had been dating emotionally unavailable men as well, and when the last one broke up with me I was totally devasted because he had actually led me on. I believed he loved me, while the others-- I didn't feel that from them. I was so upset, I was referred to a therapist and I've been seeing her for the past 2 1/2 years. we've done some great work together, I learned to comfort myself, I grew up emotionally myself, and I found my soulmate! Better than that, I RECOGNIZED him as a potential wonderful partner despite some obstacles that would have swayed me in the past, in particular, the 3000 miles between us! (we met on facebook). We are now engaged and will be married later this year.
My therapist said something to me in a session one time and it was so powerful a statement, that I SWEAR to you, it was like a bolt of energy that hit me in the chest and spread throughout my body and made me cry. What she said was an affirmation that I can use: "I want to find the perfect man for me who is also looking for me." It wasn't long after that session that my sweet Paul proposed, a few weeks maybe.
So as annoying as it is to have people say "Oh you'll find him, honey, just you wait!" it can happen just like that, when you least expect it and when you are comfortable with your life and yourself.
And yes, ex's seem to reappear just as you are open to new things, funny how that is, happened to me too. I told them I was engaged. They don't poke me anymore. lol :)
Ok, so I know I'm a dude and this article was put in the perspective of a woman. However I have been going through a similar situation. It's been 3 1/2 years since I've been in a relationship, and the last one was to a toxic woman. She was bitter after breaking up to the point where she stole my dog. To this day I'm still perplexed by what happend, but life continues. Now I'm in my 30's (just barley) and I'm seeking a woman to spend my life with, but there doesn't seem like there are too many out there that as Kristin said, "are emotionally available." My last dates were, in this order, with a woman who had a boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, a 21 year old that was sleeping with a married man, and a lesbian who I realized she was one when her girlfriend showed up at the bar we were at. Guess I still need more detox time?!
What a great analogy. I think people (and, sorry to say, particularly women) do become addicted to unhealthy relationships - at a time in my life, I too was guilty of it for sure. For me, it was a way to avoid focusing on myself and addressing my short-comings. Luckily, I got over that addiction and have been married to the same wonderful man for 10 years and we have a very healthy relationship. I have some other things to work on though...this article has inspired me to detox from other unhealthy emotional drugs, focus on myself again, and find out how "freaking awesome" I can be too! Thanks Kristin.
