5 Tips to Move On From a Painful Breakup
Breaking up can turn you into a ball of emotions. Strategies for getting over him—for good—here.
The worst part of the end of a relationship can be the lack of one. The open-endedness and plaguing questions of why and how it all went downhill can keep you up at night. We've all been there, waiting for answers that never came and wasting precious time trying to get that closure from an ex who just wasn't willing to give it.
There are tons of books and magazines on how to get him, please him and make him happy, but missing from much of that literature is practical advice on how to get what you need, whether it's answers, closure or the will to just get over him.
I've scoured libraries, the Internet and talked to experts searching for some guidance to help deal with the ambiguous end of a relationship, but most of what I learned didn't come from any of those places. It came from experience. It came from my girl friends' experiences. And it came from being the one left confused and broken-hearted.
Whether it was a long drawn-out breakup or one that ended abruptly without warning, below are some tips on how to move on to bigger and better things—specifically a new you.
Play it cool. The first months after the end of a relationship is spent deconstructing, overanalyzing and explaining to every one you ever met what went wrong. Instead of jumping straight to the trash talk about how he wasn't good in bed, try keeping mum on the subject. This doesn't mean you need to praise him or avoid the topic altogether, but talking it to death will bore your friends and scare new guys away. According to one book I actually found insightful, Delphine Hirsh's The Girl's Guide to Surviving a Breakup, "You don't want your friends to feel as though their lives are unraveling as well or they will not be very helpful to you." Not only will staying tight-lipped on the subject keep your name clear of drama, but it will baffle him as to why you aren't pouring with distraught. Win-win.
Take some responsibility. We tend to either blame the breakup on ourselves or entirely on him, and neither really gets us anywhere. A good friend of mine told me about an umpteen-paged letter she wrote to an ex specifically describing how he hurt her and the fault she was willing to claim. She never sent it. At first I didn't really understand the point, but then I realized venting on paper can be cathartic. There's a big different between wanting someone and needing someone, and if it's the latter (which is often the case) taking some credit for the breakup will help you realize why the breakup was for the best.
Discussion
I can totally relate to this right now. After 4 1/2 years and a house together, I told my boyfriend if he is no longer sure he wants to get married then he needs to move out of our house back to his condo until he can make up his mind. Some may think this sounds like an ultimatum, but it's not. I am tired of being led on for years now with promises of marriage and forever only to see it never happen. There is always a reason. My heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces and I don't want him to leave but I can't allow myself to be in this heartbreaking situation any longer. My birthday was this past weekend and I got absolutely nothing from him. We went out to dinner with my family to celebrate. I made the plans with my family, called the restaraunt to make reservations and even paid for 1/2 of the entire dinner for everyone. No card or anything. Just a "Happy Birthday". When I asked him why he didn't get me a birthday present or even a card he just said, "I don't know"! So, enough is enough.
ya its really hard but as long as u try to find out u will get more hurt. i lost my faith on love. even i dont blame girls. everyone has different nature. just think about your goal. ur future plans. just relate her with the thing u want. like i related my girlfriend with a new laptop. so another time i ll think of her i immediately think of laptop... its really hard... but u are now alone and responsible for yourself...
Is really hard to feel alone after so much time when your friends are not there any more when the break up was unsuspected and you don't know what when wrong when your "friends tell you she is suffering as much as you but she don't want to be next to you or even talk to you is been couple months and I still feel really bad since I have no one to talk about it and only talk about the girl but not the guy who is in pain for been in love for so many years how to get a closure when is not there for you? How to stop feel sorry about yourself when is no one to support you? If any one knows how I can move on with out friends an any around I'll hope you tell me.
I want no more of this pain the is getting me into a bad place
I still remember the exact day when I realized that things weren't going to ever be the same between us. Everytime i felt like I wanted to crawl back into his arms, I made myself remember the affair he was having and how he was still having it even after i needed my space. I don't understand we were doing so good , I was even starting to think about marriage and daydreaming about wedding deatails throughout the day. crazy huh? I don't understand why some men just can be so selfish and to not care for the mother of there children to put them in that position where there humiliated rather than betrayed. So yes I can relate to this topic in a lot of ways, and my final conclusion to getting over someone no matter the situation is....... sometimes things happen for a reason , I think people need to get hurt in order to become a better person or to start the life u have always wanted but could never finish because of him. now is your chance to shine , and one day someone so much better will walk into ur life and one day everything will make sense of why certain people walked out of ur life , so that certain people can be allowed to come in. he will regret it one day just not right now it's to soon. If u keep trying to get in contact with him during the breakup , ur not giving him the chance to see what he's miising because technically u never left (ur heart is still his) just think of all those times he ignored u and cared less of what u were doing and how ur day was and just try and do the same. Nobody asks for these type of things sometimes they just happen and all we can do is just accept it and move on. Theres plenty of fish in the sea if we manage not to drown in it
I've been these thru stages, the only thing that helped me thru was; kept telling myself is was not just my fault, I refused to be a victim of it, That's true is hard but I kept myself from calling him, if friends tried 2 say something about him, I would change the subject becauseI didn't want to think of him with the good things we did together, I only was telling myself, I don't need him, I can enjoy myself w/o him. But now even I think of him sometimes which is normal but I don't want him anymore because I deserve better, life is too short. Play cool n strong like they do.
I think getting over a breakup is unbelievably hard, but somehow, we all manage to do it. From great heartache comes great perspective, and it's never too soon to start thinking about the life you want to create now that the life you thought you were going to have is over. Sometimes focusing on the future, even when you're not 100% sure what it is, can give you the motivation you need to stop beating yourself up and start appreciating the good things in life.
Great advice all around. I hope that more people take the time to write such practical pieces!
i think these are all great points but best one is to not play the victim. so easy to get into that mode but the alternative is so much better - more empowering, more liberating - even if it takes mustering a lot of internal strength to do so. plus a huge bonus is that such internal strength and self worth will make you more attractive to new potential mates.
Who hasn't been through a bad breakup? Don't be afraid to rely on your closest friends. And you can always come to YourTango to find people who can relate to what you're going through. The best person to speak to when you're going through a breakup is someone who's been through one. They truly know what you're going through.
This is great advice. As someone who works with women to move away from the pain of their past and into their blissful futures, I appreciate the pointers. It's critical to get out of shame and blame and into productive healing and self-nurturing, as well as self-assessment for what went wrong and how to do better next time. I'm so glad Tango tackles the tricky terrain of breaking up.
@Road Man Jack, I agree. This article is very useful, for men as well -- but for the male reader, I disagree with #1. It's incredibly important for men to feel encouraged to talk about their feelings. Male repression is already rampant in the West -- let's give them the ok to talk. It's healthy.
I see so many articles like this which are written for women, by women, and that's ok. However, sensitive men go through the same scenarios. So who writes about the broader audience of male and female? All these books about the differences in male/female complexities, and yet we still compartmentalize emotions, instead of threading them together. Men get hurt too, and they are just as vunerable as women. I did enjoy this article and it has some wonderful tips, but i feel we're all in this together.
