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We Broke Up Over Politics

Politics and relationships: One couple agreed to disagree—until this election cycle.

Karen and I always pointed out our divergent political views to friends and acquaintances. It was with distinct smugness that we noted how two intelligent people could have a healthy, successful relationship while respecting our differing stances. Even when we weren't asked how we did it (though sometimes we were), we'd volunteer our answer: "We agree to disagree."

I'm a social liberal, a product of my New England upbringing who thinks government can be run by professional Robin Hoods who redistribute wealth and carefully protect civil liberties. She is a fiscal conservative who thinks that the free market should be upheld at all costs. She's no war hawk, but she's no pacifist either. She thinks wars should be fought with hostile takeovers and marketing blitzes. I called her a robber baron, and she called me a socialist lite. They were like pet names.

It's our luck that we met during the reign of Bush. We were equally disgusted by the ruling executive. Sure, we had different points of attack: I was horrified by the assault on civil liberties, while Karen was more concerned by the fiscal incompetence and costly doctrine of interventionism (she was, and still is, one of the few true isolationists I know). But we had a common enemy, and that allowed us to overlook the differences. But it was just that: an oversight.

As the prospect of a new election arose, and a choice between the two parties-we-refused-to-agree-withentirely-but-still-voted-for loomed, without a common enemy it became clear that we had deeply divergent viewpoints. How could she condone the top 2% of the population controlling 99% of the wealth, I asked. How could I justify taking money from legitimate earners so it could be bound up in red tape, she asked. Lips thinned, arms crossed, we slept back to back.

And rightly so. We each were looking different ways. More: we were looking forward to different worlds. Hers full of freedom and rugged independence, brutal to me, mine of social harmony and cooperation, unjust to her. When politics are truly and deeply felt, it's about a person's entire ethical perspective. Karen accepted suffering in the name of innovation and freedom, while I'd see my taxes soar if it meant universal health care. When neither of us saw Bush bringing either world about, we could get along. We were in it together.

With the election growing closer, we discovered something very important. That when you agree to disagree, guess what? You're still disagreeing. Primaries onward, we had a little presidential debate within our own house. Her chips were on McCain from the start: she liked his reputation and had hated how Bush had push-polled him into oblivion. I had my own toss up. Obama seemed a perfect shining star but, like everyone else, I wondered about his experience. But I didn't for a moment consider stepping over to the GOP.

"Just dying for an excuse not to buy your own health insurance?" she asked about my health care stance.

"Naw, but I'd like it if I really were dying." I said in joking reply. But it wasn't really a joke. And it got less funny day by day.

Can you relate?

Discussion

Watersisland Starting Over
Posted February 23, 2009

I agree with Proud Mary. It's not what you disagree on, it's how you deal with it. Personally I can't imagine being married to a Republican. It's not even so much what our idealogical differences might be, but the way it seems they argue their points(as seen on CNN,FOX[which I refuse to watch],newspaper editorials and in internet posts). I have come to thoroughly despise their closed mindedness.I say this all tongue in cheek as I'm sure the other side views things quite the opposite. While my wife and I are both democrats- I'm quite conservitive, she-quite irresponsible. So in a sense we have our idealogical differences but I think different parties would be the straw that would break the camels back. While I'm sure Marys' and James' relationship presents many interesting chalanges--I'm sure we could all learn something in how they deal with and overcome the differences. Hey, that would probably make a good TV show!

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Lolita Single It all feels good.
Posted October 25, 2008

I don't even care that much about politics. So...I'd say for me, breaking up over it would not be the case.

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Posted October 24, 2008

Different politics, different values. It will never work!

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BigAl Taken
Posted October 24, 2008

You're always going to disagree on something. Might as well learn how to deal with it. I mean really? Fighting over tax policy? Although my last SO did freak out about the toilet paper.

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Kevin Married Getting complicated
Posted October 24, 2008

You have to be on the same page with politics and religion. There is already enough to argue about when you are in a marriage. I recommend finding someone who shares your views on these important issues.

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Chacha Taken
Posted October 24, 2008

I agree I can compromise on the dishes, not on abortion.

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esther 31 Engaged In love and engaged.
Posted October 23, 2008

I agree with proudmary--if you're breaking up over politics there must be some underlying issue.

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ProudMary Starting Over
Posted October 23, 2008

It's not what you fight over, its how you fight. Sounds like this writer and his GF fought nasty, making passive agressive comments about issues they knew would get on the other one's nerves.

They could have been fighting about anything from movies to restaurants and they still would have broken up because they didn't fight kindly and with respect.

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Seaman Single
Posted October 23, 2008

I dated a girl who was super liberal and she yelled at me everytime she thought I was doing something to the environment...didn't last long.

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