How To Heal A Relationship After An Affair
Ten steps to forgive, apologize and rebuild trust after infidelity.
Cheating can unleash devastating consequences on a couple and is oft-cited as the ultimate deal breaker, beating out both emotional unavailability and physical abuse. Yet over half of married couples decide to weather the damage together rather than split up. Unfortunately, the healing process doesn't happen overnight, and even the most committed couples can get waylaid by hurt feelings, paralyzing guilt, and resentment. YourTango spoke with Dr. Janis A. Spring, clinical psychologist and author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful and How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To on the ten crucial steps a couple must take before emerging stronger than ever.
1. Honesty First
In the wake of discovering infidelity, Spring asks the wronged party to detail their grievances to their partner by articulating an unsparing and emotionally raw declaration. "It is vital that the hurt person feels heard," Spring emphasizes. "It's easy to feel crazy with grief, and they need to understand that they have a language to talk about their pain."
2. Bearing Witness
Just as importantly, the adulterous partner must be prepared to face the heartache that their infidelity has wrought. Many unfaithful individuals feel paralyzed with guilt; they see the affair as irreparable damage, and mistakenly urge their partners to put the pain behind them rather than take time to grieve. Spring insists that the offender "bear witness" to the pain they've caused rather than defend or deflect the impact, and pinpoints this willingness to take responsibility as vital to the rebuilding of trust.
3. A Written Apology
After the adulterer has listened openly and understandingly to their partner's declaration, Spring suggests that the cheater paraphrase the account in their own words. Spring then suggests that they write out a detailed, specific letter to prove they understand the sorrow they've caused. And a miserly "I'm sorry" won't cut it. "'I'm sorry' goes about a quarter-inch deep," Spring says. "Verbal reassurances, promising you won't do it again, that means nothing after cheating. They have to prove they've heard and understood their partner on the deepest level, and that means citing very specific examples of how they've hurt them and then taking actions to prove they will not do so in the future."
4. Avoid Cheap Forgiveness
Sometimes the desire to salvage the relationship (and on the flip side, the fear of losing a partner) overwhelms the necessity to vent anger, and wronged partners forgive before they've had a chance to seethe. Spring calls this "cheap forgiveness," and finds this behavior in spades among people who are more afraid of being alone than staying with an unfaithful partner. Not only do cheap forgivers swindle themselves out of a healthy grieving process, they set themselves up for future infidelities by not forcing their partners to understand their pain.
5. Sharing Responsibility
Even in relationships where only one person has strayed, oftentimes both members bear the blame for an affair. Spring acknowledges that the unfaithful person must own up to 100% of their guilt (because "no one forces you to cheat") but the wronged party must also acknowledge their own role in fostering an unhappy union, however minuscule. The hurt person must see how they had a hand in facilitating the loneliness or isolation that compelled their companion to have an affair and take steps to ensure greater emotional intimacy in the future.
I'm going through this now. My boyfriend of 3 years, who I have lived with for 2.5 years, had an affair with a woman out of state for 3 months. I don't think he loved her, I think he just enjoyed certain facets of her, especially her always being "on his side." She knew that we had been together for 3 years and that he lived with me---she didn't care. She kept trying to persuade him to leave me and for him to be with her. Once I found out, I broke up with him, kicked him out, and said see ya!!! A couple days later I realized that I didn't want to end it. I've invested three years of my life with a wonderful man, which cheating or being a player is extremely out of character for. It was one thing to shut the door on my relationship and another to shut the door on him. He moved back in with me after a week of pure hell. It has been 2 months now. I never thought he would ever cheat on me, but it really indicated a big problem in our relationship. I entered us in counseling, which has been going well. We have both been focusing on (1) overcoming what has already happened cheating wise; and (2) fixing our large communication issue. It's really really hard to get over it. It's been 2 months and I still feel like an obsessive neurotic unable to get various sexual images out of my head that I imagine. However, he has been on his best behavior. Afterward, he gave me passwords to all of his accounts, access to his phone, email, everything. He also blocked and cut off the other woman 100%. After I flipped out a couple times, he went and got my name tattooed on his upper thigh right beside his man hood to show me that he's committed to me for life and he is never going to drop his pants for anyone else ever again. I think he really learned his lesson, at least I can only hope. Second chances are as far as I go, but everything has been going great. As being the hurt party, the biggest thing I have been looking and waiting for is #3. I'm sure that it is to come in given time or with our counselor/coach. I really believe that after this event our relationship will be stronger and we will be able to not be so selfish in our decisions, learn to communicate better, and most of all appreciate each other and not take each other for granted.
I just broke up with my ex and I am trying to move on. We had some properties that we need to divide accordingly so I hired a break-up and pain suffering settlements counselor to help me with the legal matters involved. I was emotionally scarred from our break up.
this has been a problem in my marriage for over 8 years now. i understand that it is hard to get the trust back in a marriage after an affair but holding on to it for ever is not good for anyone. trust goes both ways, being the one that did cheat, and talking to my husband about it over and over again, saying the same im sorry's over and over! you hit a brick wall, where to go from here, every move you make is subject to speculation and missturst. how can you rebuild after that. if the love is still there, which for us it is why cant they let go and work with you! what gets me is that im to let everything go and forgive him his actions in the situation but but for me not to even be able to go to the store without question is wrong. and what hurts the most is i am to forgive him for the hurt he has caused me, which there has been much, but he wont forgive me for my wrongs. its hard to watch your husband snuggle with another woman right in front of you in your own home, and accept that it is only friendship, yes he told me i have to forgive that, but he cant forgive me, for seeking out compassion!
Very interesting read. I have recently been doing a research for a Relationship Counseling and Alcohol Rehab Facility and came across this post. There are also some self-help things you can do to to recover form an agonizing break up. What is really important is having the support and love of your family and friends in trying times.
i can relate to some of the things in this article,its really hard to put a time limit on healing,indfedility is the worst pain a person can experience ever,that will stay in your heart forever,its a pain that cant be define,i have experience this pain,and i think about this other woman every day,every time my husband make love to me.
