Why Do Men Buy Sex?
The guys who buy it aren't who you think. Nor are their reasons for doing so.
According to Dr. Teela Sanders, a senior lecturer at the University of Leeds, and the author of Paying For Pleasure: Men Who Buy Sex, nearly one in three men will buy sex at some point in his life. . . and we're not talking porn. Below, Sanders offers some provocative ideas on why that's the case—and what you need to know about it.
What prompted you to write this book in particular?
Generally my area has been in the sex industry—my first book was about studying women working as escorts, looking at how they manage risk, the economic choices, and their decisions to work as sex laborers.
The new book is the flip side: Men Who Buy Sex. I wanted to look at the myths around who these guys are, and the relationship they have with sex workers. And I wanted to dispel the idea that they’re all these dirty, seedy curb crawlers and look at what is going on in terms of sexual consumption.
Why did you choose to write this book now?
In Britain, we're trying to have this law that criminalizes men who buy sex. It's based on a Swedish model. There's this notion that the demand for sexual services is fueling human rights violations… I demystify all of that. This economic model is not demand-driven. We have a whole supply chain, and the majority of the supply chain is women making these economic decisions. There are women in the caring industry leaving professions like nursing and going into sexual labor type jobs because the benefits are higher. The pay is higher. Also students… a big trajectory of women who are students. That's a new thing in the UK because students have only recently had to pay for higher education.
So if not a dirty, seedy curb crawler, what does the typical guy who buys sex look like?
This is the whole thing: There is no typicality. You don't get men of a certain age or just bachelor party groups. There is a whole range of life stages, professions, and classes. There are all sorts of markets… from low end to high end. From the research, they’re not the people who have criminal records; they're regular citizens who have professional jobs and are in relationships. This is where you see the proliferation. It’s not an uncommon thing.
Did you detect any purchase patterns, so to speak?
There is a typology of different type of purchases. There are guys who I call "the bookends" who will buy sexual experiences in their teen years, then have decades away. Then in their 60s, they'll go back. For them, it's about purchasing sex later in life. It's an interesting group to look at in terms of aging and sexuality.
There are "permanent purchasers," who purchase sex throughout the whole of their life, including when they're married… maybe those who are expats, or working in the military, but as part of their occupational culture.
Discussion
I've been busy the last several weeks, so here goes.
It doesn't do feminists or women or anyone else any favors to pretend to agree with something you think is wrong just so people won't get mad at you."
You can disagree all you want it doesn't mean you are right.
"I think jokes like the WhoreMart one are things most women don't find funny. Some women go along with them because they're afraid of being called bad sports".
Women make jokes about men all the It's really not a big deal, lighten up
"Actually, I thought my reply to the joke was funny ("if you think sex is the only thing women have to offer men, it's not surprising that you have trouble getting sex"), but I think it offended you. Whether or not it applies to you personally, it fits the anonymous narrator of that joke."
Sure, but it certainly doesn't apply to me since I've been married for several years and my wife has a higher sex drive then me. While you may not have found it funny you can't deny there is a grain of truth to it perhaps that's why most women don't find it funny?
"I don't think my argument against prostitution is based on feminism particularly, just caring about human beings and how your sex partner feels about sex with you"
This is irrelevant because not everyone shares the same attittude towards sex.
4) There is a difference between being unhappy working in an office and being unhappy while having sex. Like it or not, sex is different from filing papers. It is intimate and has the potential to be strongly pleasurable."
There is no difference a job is a job no matter what it is and whether you have the potential to enjoy it or not. if you are being paid to do it it's a job. There are people out there who ouright dislike sex no matter who it's with. So the fact that it can be a enjoyable activity means nothing because not everyone likes sex.
"One of the points of the above article seems to be that johns aren't just desperate guys who can't get laid any other way"
yeah but many of them are and sex is probably one of the strongest biological urges humans have and there are women who will help these men in exchange for a fee all the power to them. They are perforning a great service. open a history book sexual repression is NOT healthy and the more men (and women) who have access to a sexual outlet the better.
"I believe modern Muslims are only allowed 4 wives and they aren't supposed to have sex outside of marriage. Not that it would make prostitution okay if Saudi princes had hundreds of concubines".
In Islamic countries muslim men are allowed to have temporary marriages that last as little as 1 hour so yes they technically can have as many wives as they want it's just another form of prostitution.
"The "joke" you posted refers to sex as the one thing women have to offer men. If you think that's funny, it sounds like that's how you see women."
You're wrong, While I thought the joke was funny I don't agree with all of it I don't believe sex is the only thing women have to offer men. however I believe *Some* women are threatened by hookers and women who generally are "easy" because it removes the power they have over men.
You know, you're not doing feminists any favours sister. You're starting to sound like a real walking charcature, so what if women are having sex with men they dont want have sex with? Women who aren't hookers do that all the time with their rich husbands. If they are not being forced, who cares if you don't like your job, quit. plenty of people don't like their jobs. I see no difference between a misrable hooker and a miserable offfice worker. you talk about the poor hooker, what about the poor john who hasnt gotton any in months (or years) so what, if joe shmoe wants to get himself a hooker for the hour big frickin deal, Donald Trump and Billy Joel have theirs (You really think these women would want anything to do with these guys if they weren't rich?) Saudi princes have hundreds of them. There are many legal forms of prostitution.
I believe it should be legal for the simple fact that i don't care what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes or hotelrooms, It's none of my business I've never paid for sex, but i don't blame guys who do.
1) It doesn't do feminists or women or anyone else any favors to pretend to agree with something you think is wrong just so people won't get mad at you.
2) I think jokes like the WhoreMart one are things most women don't find funny. Some women go along with them because they're afraid of being called bad sports.
Actually, I thought my reply to the joke was funny ("if you think sex is the only thing women have to offer men, it's not surprising that you have trouble getting sex"), but I think it offended you. Whether or not it applies to you personally, it fits the anonymous narrator of that joke.
3) I don't think my argument against prostitution is based on feminism particularly, just caring about human beings and how your sex partner feels about sex with you.
4) There is a difference between being unhappy working in an office and being unhappy while having sex. Like it or not, sex is different from filing papers. It is intimate and has the potential to be strongly pleasurable.
5) One of the points of the above article seems to be that johns aren't just desperate guys who can't get laid any other way.
6) I believe modern Muslims are only allowed 4 wives and they aren't supposed to have sex outside of marriage. Not that it would make prostitution okay if Saudi princes had hundreds of concubines.
"In any other service industry, people give discounts to customers because they want the customers to come back and spend more money. It has nothing to do with liking the particular customer or wanting to do the work. The more people need money, the more likely they are to do this."
Then why don't they give discounts to all customers instead of just a s select few?
"Similarly, if you give a client a little extra time, you may earn a tip that is bigger than the cost of the time you lost. This is particularly true if you are not getting all of the money for your services yourself."
lol so you know from experience huh?
I'm all for the legalization of prostitution these girls perform a very valuable service to our men!
Businesses give discounts to the customers who use their services frequently. If the business gets desperate, they give discounts to everybody (you can see a lot of stores doing that now).
Giving extra time and discounts is something that happens in lots of professions besides prostitution. You don't have to be a prostitute to know that, you just have to have a little common sense.
Guys, think with your brains. Women who take money to sleep with you are doing it for the money. If they say they enjoy it, they want you to tip them or come back and spend more money. If they say they like you, well, they may like you the way the cashier at the drug store likes you. Mostly they want you to tip them or come back and spend more money. If they give you a little extra time, they want you to tip them or come back and spend more money. If they give you a discount, they want you to come back and spend more money.
I'm using a quote I got from a guy off another forum this is hilarious
WhoreMart
You may not have picked up on it, but when women refer to ‘whores and sluts’ they invariably lump the two together, never referring to them individually as though the two were just synonyms for the same thing. The odd part is that the two groups are really nothing alike at all when you think about it. Whores are women who sell sex for money, with a set rate of hourly exchange for various forms of service. A slut on the other hand is a woman who for whatever reason loves to sleep around with various men and may genuinely be enjoying herself. This would be like comparing WalMart to the Salvation Army, one does this to turn a profit, the other does it for s***s and giggles.
Now you might wonder, why do the women like to lump these two groups of women together? Might it be because these two groups DO have one thing in common - they disrupt the women monopoly on sex. With either of these two groups you have a serious revaluation of the male orgasm. Imagine if you live in a town and the only had this grossly overpriced department store which for the purposes of this analogy I shall call Neiman Kuntus. The store having had a total monopoly has gotten incredibly snooty over the years and most of the men can’t even afford to shop there. The few that try have had their credit record destroyed
Now suddenly next door opens up a plain cinder block establishment where there are no frills, a minimum of bullshit and instead of exorbitant payment rituals there’s just a simple cashier who will happily give you a price check on anything you ask. We will call this place WhoreMart. WhoreMart was started on the simple policy that men like to have sex and shouldn’t have to fill out a credit check just to get their nuts off. You go in you pay, you have your fun then leave no obligation, no commitment you pay and play.
As though this wasn’t bad enough, in various locations around town women are ‘volunteering’ to give sex with seemingly no obligation at all. This service which I have not been able to aptly name (“Tits for Tots” was the best I could come up with but it just doesn’t work) and they are offering it as a service to some men regardless of their ability to compensate.
Prostitution has been hated since it’s inception, not by men, but by women. Not because it degrades women. Women l gleefully prostitute themselves out for goodies without even realizing it , they just despise the idea of having to compete for it. Competition lowers costs, it improves the quality of the product. This would be great for men, and the ruin of the women. Women loathe having to compete for anything and the thought of having the one thing they can offer men commoditized scares the living s**t out of them. They will fight to keep it illegal and would sooner have abortion made illegal than have prostitution decriminalized.
"No sarcasm on my part or anything like that, but I'm really curious as to what your wife has to say towards this analogy of Whoremart and...well, whatever name you come up for women who just like sex."
It's not my analogy, it's quote I got off another forum I thought it was so funny I saved it.
"If you think sex is the only thing women have to offer men, it's not surprising that you have trouble getting sex."
Learn to read more carefully I didn't say that, and getting sex is not a problem for me. Infact my wife and I are trying for a baby.
“You're setting up strawmen again, Cmdr Funk. I have never said that prostitutes are diseased or that they are all being exploited. Not have I said that men who go to prostitutes are the same thing as Charles Manson. What I am saying is much simpler than that.”
You are missing the point (again)
The prostitutes who are diseased and being exploited and what not are the ones who need empathy. This cannot be applied to every sexworker. That’s the point I was trying to make. As for johns being the same as Charles Manson., Again you’re missing the point. The point is how can you judge a single man who goes to hookers any worse then any other man? Especially when you have men like Charles Manson who’ve commited far more reprehensible acts and yet have no problem attracting women? Men who lie, cheat, beat their wives, are alcholics, are irresponasible are womanizers, deadbeat dads etc. It just seems unfair to pigeonhole johns as the one group of men that women should avoid. When you don’t even know the whole story.
“I believe that when a man (or woman) is having sex with someone, he should care about whether or not that person actually wants to have sex with him. Wanting your sex partner to enjoy sex with you is a basic form of empathy. Being willing to have sex with someone who doesn't actually want sex with you is being selfish and caring only about what you want.”
You are making the unfair assumption that all johns are selfish and lack empathy and perhaps some of them are. However how can you apply this to all johns? And how can you back up the assertion that all prostitutes don’t enjoy the sex with their clients when you have absolutely ZERO evidence to back up that claim? Futhermore if the prostitute has a choice not to be a prostitute as chose to be one anyways. Everything you said is irrelevant and a wash because while you believe that sex should be a mutal enjoyable activity. It’s obvious that these prostitutes don’t they don’t share your belefs and values and all they are is your own personal biases. So again it’s a wash and an irrelevant argument. Should the john still be labelled as selfish and lacking empathy if that’s what she choose to do anyway whether she enjoys the sex or not? That is complete nonsense.
It’s also ironic that you preach about empathy yet you show very little of your own. Suppose you have a man who for whatever reason cannot attract a woman. It could be because he’s unattractive or he’s extremely shy or introverted Instead of attempting the hook up culture and setting himself up for failure, he decides to seek a professional companion for few hours or an evening. He is clean, well behaved, polite and respectful and just wants to spend some time with a beautiful woman and perhaps have safe sex with her. This woman is willing to accommodate his request in exchange for a fee which is previously agreed upon. They meet spend some time together and then have sex. A client once told one of our girls that a 1 hour session with her 10 times more theraputic then years of therapy from a shrink or any pill he had prescribed to him.
What has he done that’s so terrible? You can call him selfish but what’s so selfish about wanting to know to touch of a woman? Should these men spend years or even their entire lives in celibacy? All because of your delusions on what sex should be?
“If you have to pay someone to have sex with you, they aren't doing it because they want to have sex with you. I think a lot of men believe otherwise because they do have empathy, but I think they're deluding themselves”
That’s ironic coming from you.
“For women looking for a boyfriend or husband, a guy who goes to a prostitute is usually a bad bet. He has shown that when he wants to get off, he is willing to use another human being without caring enough about his partner to find someone who wants to have sex with him.”
Well First of all, you wouldn’t know a man paid for sex unless he told you so it’s a wash. Secondly the type of men whon pay for sex are so varied you can’t generalize them half of them are already married and many of them didn’t even start going to prostitutes until AFTER they got married so how do you explain that?
I’ve worked in the industry so when it comes to what johns are and what these girls go through, All you have are your own delusions and personal biases.
You're setting up strawmen again, Cmdr Funk. I have never said that prostitutes are diseased or that they are all being exploited. Not have I said that men who go to prostitutes are the same thing as Charles Manson. What I am saying is much simpler than that.
I believe that when a man (or woman) is having sex with someone, he should care about whether or not that person actually wants to have sex with him. Wanting your sex partner to enjoy sex with you is a basic form of empathy. Being willing to have sex with someone who doesn't actually want sex with you is being selfish and caring only about what you want.
If you have to pay someone to have sex with you, they aren't doing it because they want to have sex with you. I think a lot of men believe otherwise because they do have empathy, but I think they're deluding themselves.
For women looking for a boyfriend or husband, a guy who goes to a prostitute is usually a bad bet. He has shown that when he wants to get off, he is willing to use another human being without caring enough about his partner to find someone who wants to have sex with him.
"Well, I think that about sums it up. A cold, pseudorational world where people just do what they want and there is no morality because nobody cares about anybody."
Another Strawman, People can't just "do what they want" not even johns. Atleast not where I live. Just because somebody is for prostitution doesn't mean they don't want to live in a society without rules, laws, or solidarity. Futhermore it's not about a lack or morals. It's about the fact that their morals are DIFFERENT from yours. In India it's considered immoral to eat cows. Does that mean all cow eaters are immoral? Of course there are certain things that all societies deeem universally immoral, like killing, or stealing, however prostitution is not in that category. Looking at things from a reasonable logical prespective does not mean somebody is cold or lacks empathy. It means they don't jump to conclusions based on speculation or little to no evidence that someone is cold or "nobody cares about anybody" They don't allow their emotions to govern how they act or what conclusions they draw about someone. "This person is doing something I personally disagree with therefore they MUST be a bad person who is unworthy of love” As if this one particular act defines their entire exsistence. Unless they have done something truly reprehensible it’s an unfair assumption in which your own morality and ideals magnify and distort.
"You're making my point better than I could. I am troubled by the men who don't care that they are sleeping with someone who doesn't want to sleep with them. Sex is a pleasurable activity between people. Both people should be enjoying it."
I to am troubled by these men the ones who don’t care about the fact that the prostitute he is having sex with is diseased, ruled by a pimp, Or came here from Eastern Europe on a boat being promised by her hosts. That she would make a lot of money and have a good job. However you have to get pass your cognitive dissounce and realize this situation does not apply to every prostitute. You are taking an extreme of a situation and turning it into a standard. That ALL prostitutes don’t enjoy the sex with their clients when you have little first hand experience or evidence to support that claim. This is faulty logic. If the woman is not being a prostitute against her will, then all your ideals that this should be this or this should be that are a wash because that’s what she choose to do. Even prostitutes need to taken responsibility for their choices. If you don’t enjoy fornicating with complete strangers (Many of our girls have told us they get off on the fact that they are about to have sex with a complete stranger it’s like a high for them) then the smart thing to do is not become a sexworker.
“As you have pointed out, most women don't want the job of prostitute. How can a guy who knows that, go ahead and have sex with a prostitute?”
Because johns (the smart ones anyway) are going to prostitutes who want to be prostitutes. Meaning they are probably going to pay hundreds or even thausands of dollars for a callgirl who operates in a luxary condo in the financial district. Has her own driver and security and can make her own hours and choose her johns. He is not going to want anything to do with a streetwalker who is ruled by a pimp. There a bad johns like the ones you’ve mentioned who have no empathy and don’t care about the circumstances of the sexworker Usually these johns are the bottomfeeders and they are probably too cheap to pay $250 to $300 an hour for a callgirl who actually has a choice or not to be a prostitute.
“Empathy, caring about other people, is the basis of morality and moral behavior. A guy who lacks it is someone women should avoid.”
I agree partially However not all johns lack empathy. And paying for sex doesn’t necessrily make someone a sociopath as if he should be shunned by the entire female gender and be deemed unlovable. Especially when you have guys like Scott Peterson, Ted Bundy, and Charles Manson convicted murderers who were idolized by many females. Futhermore empathy and morality don’t always go together. Lots of Religious Zealots consider themselves very moral by a traditional standpoint yet show very little empathy towards those who are different from them.
"The girls may be giving discounts and extra time to clients in hopes of getting big tips that come directly to them. Or they may feel they need to do it so that the client will come back to them and give them business, especially in a bad economy. It doesn't mean that they actually enjoy the sex."
Nobody is absolute However , What do you think they are doing with that extra time? They are having more sex with their client and most likely lost track of time.
People give discounts to customers they like and they give them to the same customers. It’s no different in the sex industry. Since they like the customer they want them to comeback. If they liked the customer they liked the sex even if the customer wasn’t that good of a lover they still enjoyed the customer’s company and enjoyed being intimate with them A prostitute is not going to give a discount to a client who bored her or didn’t hit it off with if a prostitute wants to get tipped why would she give the john a discount? That doesn’t even make sense. The only way to get tipped is by providing good service. Giving a discount is totally counter productive.
In any other service industry, people give discounts to customers because they want the customers to come back and spend more money. It has nothing to do with liking the particular customer or wanting to do the work. The more people need money, the more likely they are to do this.
Similarly, if you give a client a little extra time, you may earn a tip that is bigger than the cost of the time you lost. This is particularly true if you are not getting all of the money for your services yourself.
In America at least, I disgree that that most wives are away they husband sexually wander .I thinnk it is a very under the covers, deceptive, secret kind of thing where the wife is lied to.
I think that the reason a woman stands by her man is because she doesn't want to end her life as she knew it. Remember, when these things come down they are often sudden. The wife is the victim . It's all very shocking for her. And as a result of this all often the husband wants to stay in his marriage. He is willing to make all kinds of consentions to his wife from fancy romantic rebuiding vacations to jewelry to a new comitment which means a new way of treating his spouse. The marriage does have the potential to weather this storm. So for women caught in this, although highly embarassing she WILL be receiving payback from her husband. So, biting the bullet can be the way to go. It's all very horrible for her however. She suffers.
"Nope because I look at things from a very logical reasonable prespective. I don't let morals, emotions, or the way I think the way the world should work or how people should behave get in the way of things."
Well, I think that about sums it up. A cold, pseudorational world where people just do what they want and there is no morality because nobody cares about anybody.
"'You think that being a prostitute is a job nobody wants to do and you still think there's nothing wrong with being a john? Isn't that a huge lack of empathy?'
"No, it's a strawman fallacy that you've engaged in because all I was doing was stating a fact. I can't argue with reality Being a sexworker is a job most women would find undesirable. Making a living Fornicating with strangers is not something most women can do it takes a certain type of woman. That being said I don't believe that there is anything wrong with being a sexworker."
You're making my point better than I could. I am troubled by the men who don't care that they are sleeping with someone who doesn't want to sleep with them. Sex is a pleasurable activity between people. Both people should be enjoying it.
As you have pointed out, most women don't want the job of prostitute. How can a guy who knows that, go ahead and have sex with a prostitute?
Empathy, caring about other people, is the basis of morality and moral behavior. A guy who lacks it is someone women should avoid.
"Here's the thing about prostitutes. If they really, really enjoyed sex and wanted to have it with the john, they would be doing it for free. There are women who enjoy sex and there are even women who enjoy it with men they aren't in love with"
You'd be surprised how many girls gave discounts to our clients and how often these girls went over their alloted time with a client sometimes 15, 20, even 30 minutes over To the point where I had to call and remind her that the client only paid for 1 hour and they've been with the client for more then an hour and a half Infact so many of our girls were doing this The agency owner had to talk to them about it. The girls were doing this because they genuinely enjoyed the company of our clients and WANTED to spend more time with them even though they paid for only an hour. We can't really charge the client extra, because it's the girl's responsibility to keep track of time. Although it kept our clients coming back we had a schedule to maintain and we told our girls to please try to keep better track of time, (of course they didn't listen)
"Prostitutes are strongly motivated to say they enjoy the sex and like you. They are being paid to do that. You can't be sure they're telling the truth anymore than you can believe the guy at McDonald's really wants you to have a nice day. It's like a mistress who thinks her man is going to leave his wife any day now."
You are partly right, For the most part men are paying for a certain calibur of service. These women are paid to focus all of their attention on the client. They are being paid to fullfill their fantasies, and yes it does involve a bit of acting. and most of the time the client is not stupid he knows he's not the most attractive man or the best lover, or the most well endowed but it's still nice to hear those words its make the experience more enjoyable, It's like roleplaying The client and her are acting out a fantasy and while it's true the client isn't very attractive or a great lover. It may not matter because he simply wants to escape for an hour or two with a beautiful woman and this woman is getting paid very good money to do that for him and if they have good chemistry and can have a good conversation it makes the experience enjoyable for both of them. Are their bad clients? Sure, but we tried our best to screen them the best we could and our girls had the right to turn away ANY client at the door for ANY reason they wanted and our girls did infact turn away clients.
Working as a driver and bodyguard for an agency I've seen plenty of girls come and go It's just the nature of the business. Some girls were looking to make some quick cash, (these are the ones who last maybe a week at best) and the girls who stayed were the ones who flat out told us they are nymphos who enjoyed entertaining men.
"Some prostitutes aren't interested in sex with men. Others actively dislike men. Some are being forced into their profession. Some are messed up and not really making a choice. This may not be true for all prostitutes, but how do you know it's not true for the one you're with?"
Again, do not obfuscate the topic we are talking about Prostitutes who choose to become prostitutes not the ones who were forced into it that's a seperate issue all together. If a woman dislikes men, and doesn't want to have sex with them. Then a john is going to notice that If a man is paying several hundred or even several thausand dollars, He's not just paying for sex, he's paying for passion. and I got news for you no woman is that good of an actress. She'll be able to hold down that charade for maybe a week tops before clients start taking notice to her indifference towards them and yes clients care about things like that. Men who pay that kind of money want nothing to do with a streetwalker or having to see a sexworker in a seedy part of town who is probably ruled by a pimp. Heck we've had clients cancel on us because they said they were coming down with a cold and didnt want our girls to catch anything. I doubt your average curb crawler john who wants a $20 blowjob from a girl in a streetcorner ruled by a pimp or in some dark shady shitbag motel off the traintracks would be so considerate. The streetwalkers, the ones ruled by pimps these are the ones I want to see get out of that lifstyle because if a woman is a prostitute, it should be because it's her choice and no one else's This is the ugly side of the industry the problem side.
The girls may be giving discounts and extra time to clients in hopes of getting big tips that come directly to them. Or they may feel they need to do it so that the client will come back to them and give them business, especially in a bad economy. It doesn't mean that they actually enjoy the sex.
If you care whether or not your sex partner wants sex with you, don't go to a prostitute.
"Sounds like thats just a way to dehumanize the prostitutes who did not choose this lifestyle for the glamour and were probably forced into it through bad circumstances. They aren't different morally, they just have a different set of circumstances."
How is it dehumanizing to them? I wasn't talking about them in the first place. I was specifically talking about those who CHOOSE to become prostitutes not the ones who were forced into it. That's a seperate issue all together. You are engaging in a logical fallacy by deliberately misconstruing what I said. You are also obfuscating the topic . Because this discussion was never about them.
"But its hard to pay for sex from a prostitute you view as a real person"
Wrong. it's the opposite if she is viewed as a real person. Then things will be much more passionate and enjoyable for the client and the sexworker. Many girls in the bussiness have told me their favourite clients were the ones who don't treat them like a piece of meat but are polite and respectful. These girls do appreciate it when their client is nice to them. It's like any other service industry you treat the provider with respect and are nice to them, you'll get better service. People are more willing to please you if they like you.
Hmmm...to be honest, this whole article felt emotionless. Obviously the author was trying to be very factual about the subject, but when he goes into this group of men using sexual laborers for "emotional support", it makes me cringe. Its not real. Its like buying one of those fat burning pills off of an info-mercial and wondering why you haven't lost 40 lbs yet. The addiction to it is because it isn't real it isn't actually fulfilling, so you go back for more instead of actually building up that level of emotional support with your wife. Sure, marriages have to deal with finances, kids, carpools, and housing associations. Its rooted in reality with the woman that men vow to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of their lives. The emotional bonds of marriage are going to be hard to work at, which is what makes them so fulfilling. Forgetting about what you really want with your partner, from either spouse, is bad for any relationship, including a marriage.
I guess what really gets me is the way the author is trying to rationalize it. I've never paid for sex, and I never intend to. I'm not going to lie and say that I've never been tempted...no attachment sex with an absolutely hot woman who must know what she is doing (one would hope since she gets paid for it)...yeah, its tempting, but I've also been tempted to jump off a building just because I was standing at the edge and wondering what the fall would be like, not the death. For me, rationalizing paying for sex as a means of emotional or sexual fulfillment is self-deceptive. I've learned I'm far more sexually fulfilled when I'm emotionally fulfilled and supported by the woman I love, and while that may not always be easy work it is definitely far more rewarding and satisfying than shelling out half my paycheck for a one night thing with a stranger. In truth, there is no comparison to how awesome it is to actually be sexually and emotionally fulfilled by someone that you love and have a strong, nurturing, healthy relationship with, someone that the thought of really sleeping with someone else never even enters your mind (yeah, you may fantasize but you'll be as likely to do it as you are of sticking a bobby pin in an electrical outlet connected to a nuclear power plant).
Real relationships are centered around two people (or more for the poly-ams) being open, honest, nurturing, supportive, and open with their needs, wants, and desires. This is inclusive of pesky phone and utility bills, visiting the in-laws, having to go watch "Rent" live (ugh), and all the other millions of compromises and sacrifices you will gladly do for each other because you actively work to make each other happy.
No how is paying for something supposed to be better than something without a price tag on it?
I don't get how any man can believe he is buying intimacy and emotional connection. You pay someone because they don't want to do it. It's not real.
Even the guys who just want sex - I don't understand how they can want to have sex with someone who doesn't want them. Don't they have any empathy?
Actually I believe it is a matter of empathy. I frequented a lot of strip clubs in my early 20s. It wasn't a power thing, but a "lonely" thing. In my single periods I wanted the feel and scent of woman close to me. Eventually, after dating a dancer for a bit and really getting a far greater understanding of the mentality of a lot of exotic dancers I found I just couldn't go anymore.
So many of them may say they are in it to get through school, or to pay for something else, but for quite a few there is this control and power issue, and a lot of them tend to have a lot of baggage, especially from child-hood. Of course, on top of all of that, is the resentment of their "clients", growing cynisism about the world, and other not so fun stuff like that.
So I just can't go anymore. I've gone a couple times over the last couple years with a married couple I'm best friends with, but I don't partake of the "pleasures", just enjoy the beer and the occassional extremely skilled pole dancer...its actually kinda sad. What some of those women can do on poles could get them into theatrical shows that tour the world and still pay a very pretty penny along with benefits and such.
No, many men lack empathy because its a skill that requires looking beyond your own needs and being more concerned with the needs of others. We aren't raised with that mindset. For us its more like, "we need to obtain our goals so that we can provide for the ones we love." Caring about others is there, but its dependent upon our individual success.
The nice thing about being married is that you don't have to understand "women" or "men," just the person you're married to. :-)
Men are not all the same as each other. Luckily, most of them do not go to prostitutes. A recent ABC poll found that only 15% of men had paid for sex, although the number goes up to 30% for single men over 30. So 85% of men don't go to prostitutes. (Link below)
I stand by the belief that when men go to prostitutes for any reason, they are showing a fundamental lack of human empathy. I can understand wanting sex without love, I can understand really, really wanting sex. Still, I think people should care whether or not their partner wants to have sex with them.
I would add that women who are dating should hold out for a guy who doesn't go to prostitutes. We judge potential mates by how they treat family members or waitresses. This is an even bigger sign that he might not treat you/women well. It's also a health issue if he keeps going back after you're together. (Link below to a story about a woman whose boyfriend went to prostitutes.)
http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/PollVault/story?id=156921&page=1
http://www.yourtango.com/20084403/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-with-hooker...
15% is quite a significant proportion, especially in the USA where prostitution is illegal; moreover it's typically the kind of polling-question for which people are likely to lie, considering the stigma attached to paid-for-sex.
Anyway, the part I was suggesting you may want to seek more understanding is the fact observed by sociologists that men typically have no problem disconnecting sex and feelings. Actually, nowadays, it’s also a growing trend among women and I think it’s a good thing.
There is also a fallacy in your logic, that prostitutes are “someone who doesn't want them”. Prostitutes actually DO want to have sex with their customers; it’s not just because they want their money. The customer’s choice is a validation for a prostitute “He picked me, not another one.” Most sex-workers embrace that line of business and stay in it because they get a “high” out of it (which doesn’t mean that they’re 100% happy about it), and I'm not even mentioning the portion of sex-workers who physically LOVE the sex. Anti-prostitution rhetoric likes to depict paid-for-sex as emotionless but it is a fallacy. It is NEVER emotionless, it’s just that the dynamics derive from a different set of emotions than what we’re used to in usual romantic relationships.
Another point where I think you’re over-simplifying is “I would add that women who are dating should hold out for a guy who doesn't go to prostitutes. (…) This is an even bigger sign that he might not treat you/women well.” Look at it this way: why would we judge a single guy who goes to prostitutes worse than the other single guy that goes for casual-sex “no strings attached”, in terms of how they treat women? Actually, the latter is more likely to hurt his sexual partners emotionally. It’s not so rare that women say they accept the “no strings attached” fling but actually hope for more. In paid-for-sex, at least things are absolutely clear and each party moves on when the “transaction” has ended. And once again the fact that it’s a transaction doesn’t necessarily make it devoid of emotions.
Even if men are under-reporting their use of prostitutes, it's clear that a large majority of men don't go to prostitutes. I actually think that our public culture has become increasingly likely to condone prostitution, so I think the fact that most men don't actually use prostitutes says something good about men's instincts.
I know that many men are able to separate romantic feelings and sex. I don't think that's the same issue as whether or not they have empathy for prostitutes. Wanting to have sex with someone you're not in love with is something I can understand. Wanting to have sex with someone who isn't interested in sex with you I can't understand. It's using someone and not caring about their feelings. There is a difference between not loving your sex partner and not treating your sex partner like a human being.
I am very sceptical of your analysis of how sex workers feel. If a woman wants to be "picked" by a guy, she can do it without being paid! The really flattering thing is when a guy you think is hot is interested in you (even more flattering is when he likes you). And if she loves sex that much, she wants it with someone she is attracted to and doesn't need to be paid. The thing is, prostitutes do want the money. They have a very strong motivation to convince men that they like the sex.
My experience with prostitutes is talking to women who basically did not like men. Some of them had a lot of anger at men and a few had committed violent crimes against men. I am sure many sex workers are different, but this group is a real part of the picture. So are people with serious problems.
I think guys who go to prostitutes to avoid hurting women's feelings by having casual sex are fooling themselves. If you don't think a woman can handle having a one-night stand, what do you think a prostitute feels like? They are women, too. They are not some magic, different category from the rest of us. The man saves himself from the possibility of drama, but that doesn't mean that the woman has no feelings.
So, yes, I think women should think twice about having a serious relationship with a man who goes to prostitutes.
I believe that if prostitution was legal in the USA, the numbers would jump tremendously. As an example in UK, where it's legal, 70% men have reportedly paid for sex (so according to your logic, that makes seven Brit men out of ten evil guys unworthy of relationships, poor UK women!).
And again, it's amazing that there are still 15% American males going for it despite the legal risks.
You say: "Wanting to have sex with someone who isn't interested in sex with you I can't understand." Well… Basically, it's a very common mindset among men that they just want to have sex, they don't want to have sex with a specific someone. It's a notion that seems to be confirmed with this article: http://www.yourtango.com/200933052/men-less-picky-one-night-stand . It basically says that nearly a half of the male population wouldn’t turn down a one-night-stand offer regardless of who offers, they don’t need to feel attracted to the women.
About “picked”, it seems you misunderstood me, I didn’t mean picked among all women, I meant picked against other competing prostitutes.
As long as we talk about sex-workers who have CHOSEN that line of business, ideas like "It's using someone and not caring about their feelings." are hardly relevant. A woman is "used" if it's a) against her will or b) after she's been lied to, making her consent to something by trickery. This is clearly not the case for the great majority of sex-workers. Of course there are the cases of human trafficking or abusive men pimping their partner, but nowadays, those are a very marginal portion of the business. Most sex-workers make a strictly individual choice in a deliberate manner to sell sexual favors; they certainly don’t feel “used” otherwise they wouldn’t stay in that activity. They wouldn’t make such choice if they hadn’t decided once for all that either they have little or no negative feelings about doing it or that the negative feelings are not relevant in the equation, because those are compensated by other aspects they consider positive.
For example, you have high-end escort-girls that are decently educated, attended college, even university and could have found a fairly well-paid office job (you even have some women who have a good day-job that regularly offer paid-for-sex!) Their motives are clearly not basically economic. Perhaps, as Lyz and Qverb mention there’s a dimension of power-trip. But most importantly, in my opinion, it’s that they are attracted to a certain lifestyle while wanting to preserve some independence; and, of course, they have a perception of sexual-acts that’s not common among women.
Yes, prostitutes are women (or men!) like all other humans, but they judge things differently than you do. Of course, if you try to project your own feelings and values into analyzing that kind of dynamics, you’re going to hit a huge wall of cognitive dissonance because, basically, sex-workers do have their own sets of values that are at odds with yours.
Well, you just convinced me that it's a good thing to keep prostitution illegal!
I know you mean being picked over other prostitutes. That seems like a pretty poor ego boost to me. This is where empathy comes in - prostitutes have to have sex with men they don't find attractive. Obviously their customers are hearing the exact opposite, but that's an illusion. A real ego boost for a woman is to have an attractive man be interested in her.
Again, if you really believe that men want casual sex and women don't, there can never be a justification for prostitution. They're women. According to the survey you cite, women don't want to have casual sex with unattractive guys.
I think a woman is being used no matter what. If you don't care whether or not the woman is interested in sex with you, she might as well be a blow-up doll. She is just there for her body parts.
I'm not sure where you get your claims that most sex workers are happy people who love their job. The thing any man should remember is that many of them aren't and you have no way of knowing who you're getting. The percentage of prostitutes who were sexually abused as children is much higher than among most women.
Even Spitzer's famous high-end call girl blogged about struggling with drug issues and leaving home due to abuse. She was not using her great hourly earnings to go to school or do anything with her life. She was a mess.
I agree. Especially if its on a regular basis. And I think the psychology of it is more over a power relationship than a sex one. I think the sex thing is just a cover. With a prostitute men know that for a price he can get her to do anything. Within a normal relationship you have to...you know, respect your partner and defer to them. I truly believe its a power thing.
I agree too for a regular whore-mongerer, those have issues with women and actually they are not likely to be seeking a "normal relationship" at all for that matter.
Now, every relationship is a power-relationship. We choose whom we get into a relationship with, that's exercising power, we use or power of attraction to convince them; and the subtext that we might leave them if they don't behave within a certain set of standards, isn't that the ultimate power-play (didn't you just use the verb "defer to")?
Actually paid-for-sex is a way to precisely circumscribe the power-relationship within a very short period of time.
No, I think prostitution is a way to give the man (customer) ALL the power. He doesn't have to convince the woman she wants to sleep with him. He doesn't have to do anything she likes in bed. He can ask for things other women wouldn't want to do. He can have porn sex that is all about instant male gratification.
"No, I think prostitution is a way to give the man (customer) ALL the power. He doesn't have to convince the woman she wants to sleep with him. He doesn't have to do anything she likes in bed. He can ask for things other women wouldn't want to do. He can have porn sex that is all about instant male gratification."
you say that like it's a bad thing.
Postitution puts a price tag on what so many women think should be priceless. With prostitution more men have easier access to sex.
and when something is easy to get it loses value.
and that's what irks you the most isn't it?
I absolutely think it's a bad thing. When people who care about each other have sex, it's a mutual thing. They do things both partners want and enjoy. Sometimes they do things for their partner, but they don't do things that they really dislike.
You don't have to be in love with a person to see that they are a person with feelings. That's what empathy is all about. The lack of it is what's so disquieting about a guy who would go to a prostitute.
As far as easy access to sex goes, I really don't understand why anyone would go to a prostitute nowadays. Between hook-up culture, booty calls, friends with benefits, etc. you can get it if you're willing to put in a tiny bit of effort.
If she choose to be a prostitute then empathy is irrelevant. like Bgs67 said, these women operate on a completely different set of morals and principles so do the men who visit them. To them it's simply 2 consenting adults engaging in a business transaction. She is providing a service and he is a client, it's a simple as that. If you strip away all the moral and ethical values you've equated with sex all due to years of conditioning you've had beaten into your head since you were a pre-teen. That's what you are left with.
Prostitutes, (and I am not talking the streetwalkers ruled by pimps) still have the right to say no to any john they don't like (and yes escorts do turn away clients all the time for all sorts of reasons) so that also negates your inital point that customers have all the power when that isn't necessarily the case.
Futhermore, lots of people do jobs they don't enjoy doing so they can get paid. So why does prostitution get a special seat? Quite possibly because of the outdated purital values people still cling to regarding sex. Do you feel empathy for the janitor who has to clean up your vomit? Do you feel empathy for the guy behind the burger king counter making your combo meal? No of course you don't.
"As far as easy access to sex goes, I really don't understand why anyone would go to a prostitute nowadays. Between hook-up culture, booty calls, friends with benefits, etc. you can get it if you're willing to put in a tiny bit of effort."
it's alot more then a "tiny bit of effort" I'm afraid.
and of course you think that, you're a woman! and women have much easier access to sex then men do, It's like somebody who is genetically blessed with being naturally thin can eat whatever they want without gaining weight, not being able to comprehend why somebody who is would pay for an exercise program.
Women usually do not like sex in the same way that men do. and women who do enjoy sex on a purely casual basis are so few and far between that the odds of actually hooking up with one are quite low even for a reasonbly attractive guy. MOST women can only enjoy sex within a certain set of circumstances. (usually having to do with romantic delusions) Men on the other hand are not like that.. Why do you think most sexworker clients are men? Women don't need to pay for it, since they are the ones selling it.
The hook-up culture, and availability of booty calls, and friends with benefits being so widespread that men don't need to pay for it is a HUGE assumption. Females still are the ones choosing and evaluating. and the unchoosen ones don't just disapear they have needs to.
In order for a woman to have sex, she simply needs to be ready and willing, men on the other hand, need to have sufficient charms, and be able to get a woman in the mood for sex. This is easier said then done.
There are also many men who are very shy and introverted and just find women very intimidating and awkward to talk to. For these men finding a willing sexual partner is close to impossible. and it's just so much easier to pick up the phone and book an apointment with an escort rather then dealing with the very daunting task of the hook up culture.
You know, cleaning up vomit is a really awful job. So is being a fast food worker. It's interesting that those are the jobs you compare to prostitution.
I would argue that cleaning up vomit is very different from having sex. Cleaning up vomit for someone you love is nicer than doing it for a stranger but it is ALWAYS unpleasant. Nothing can change that.
Sex, on the other hand, is extremely pleasurable. Doing it with someone you love makes it even better. Prostitution takes away the pleasure, at least for one party. It transforms a mutually pleasurable activity to a transaction where one person gets pleasure and the other gets money. That is one of the things that makes it different from paying people to do work.
"You know, cleaning up vomit is a really awful job. So is being a fast food worker. It's interesting that those are the jobs you compare to prostitution."
It's a perfectly valid comparison because they are the types of jobs most people find undesirable. You couldn't pay me enough money to work as a janitor. The same way you probably couldn't fornicate with a complete stranger no matter how much they paid you. and yet there are people who do these jobs. Some women would rather fornicate with complete strangers rather then mop floors or flip burgers for a living and vice versa.
"I would argue that cleaning up vomit is very different from having sex. Cleaning up vomit for someone you love is nicer than doing it for a stranger but it is ALWAYS unpleasant. Nothing can change that."
There is another difference cleaning up vomit for a stranger is always unpleasant however sex with a stranger can be pleasant otherwise the hook up culture would seize to exsist.
"Sex, on the other hand, is extremely pleasurable. Doing it with someone you love makes it even better. Prostitution takes away the pleasure, at least for one party. It transforms a mutually pleasurable activity to a transaction where one person gets pleasure and the other gets money. That is one of the things that makes it different from paying people to do work"
I don't even know where to begin
First of all, Sex is not always a mutually pleasurable activity. Believe it or not many people outright dislike sex. Futhermore, The 2 biggest things people argue about in relationships are money and sex. Just because you love someone is no guarantee you are getting the amount of sex you want or type of sex you want. If what you say was true. Then half the men who go to prostitutes wouldn't be married men.
Futhermore, Many prostitutes actually do genuninely enjoy the company of their clients and not just because they are taking their money. especially regular clients who like to go back to the same girl over and over again. The fact that they are getting paid probably makes them enjoy it evenmore. Are their prostitutes who don't enjoy what they do? Absolutely, However the problem is You simply do not want to believe that there are women who enjoy having sex for money The fact of the matter is not everyone thinks like you do not everyone has your values. When you are applying your mentality and your ideals to somebody else you will run into a wall cognitive dissonance. Because you have a completely different attatude towards sex. For many people sex is a purely recreational activity. hence You are afraid of the truth so you are forced to deny it. because they challenge your ideals on what sex should be about.
Here's the thing about prostitutes. If they really, really enjoyed sex and wanted to have it with the john, they would be doing it for free. There are women who enjoy sex and there are even women who enjoy it with men they aren't in love with.
Prostitutes are strongly motivated to say they enjoy the sex and like you. They are being paid to do that. You can't be sure they're telling the truth anymore than you can believe the guy at McDonald's really wants you to have a nice day. It's like a mistress who thinks her man is going to leave his wife any day now.
Some prostitutes aren't interested in sex with men. Others actively dislike men. Some are being forced into their profession. Some are messed up and not really making a choice. This may not be true for all prostitutes, but how do you know it's not true for the one you're with?
You think that being a prostitute is a job nobody wants to do and you still think there's nothing wrong with being a john? Isn't that a huge lack of empathy?
Nobody chooses to take a job cleaning up vomit because they want to. They do it because they need to earn money and that's the way they can do it.
"You think that being a prostitute is a job nobody wants to do and you still think there's nothing wrong with being a john? Isn't that a huge lack of empathy?"
No, it's a strawman fallacy that you've engaged in because all I was doing was stating a fact. I can't argue with reality Being a sexworker is a job most women would find undesirable. Making a living Fornicating with strangers is not something most women can do it takes a certain type of woman. That being said I don't believe that there is anything wrong with being a sexworker.
"Nobody chooses to take a job cleaning up vomit because they want to. They do it because they need to earn money and that's the way they can do it."
so........ what's your point?
"I remember learning about cognitive dissonance back in psychology courses. Once a person has actually done something like cheat on a test, it is much harder for them to believe that cheating on tests might be bad. They don't want to believe that they might be wrong"
Let me try and make sense out of this. Cheating on a test is bad because it means you didn't really know the information you learned in your class but by cheating you are trying to make it look like you did. Therefore you are lying. Also not only are you cheating on a test you are cheating all the other students who actually studied very hard for the test.
No let's apply this to man who visits a prostitute is that bad? Why is it bad? Because it's against law? In that case if you are basing what's moral on the law then morality would change depending on what country you live in because different countries have different laws. Jaywalking is against the law so going by that logic anyone who jaywalks is an immoral person with no empathy. so why is it bad? because the girl was forced into it? In that case yes, it's bad because you are not supporting prostitution you are supporting sex slavery and human traffiking. but what if she wasn't forced into it why is it bad? Because there is no love? Well you can't be in love with someone you just met at a bar 10 minutes ago yet the pick up culture is perfectly acceptable so that argument is a wash. So why is it bad? Because she may not enjoy the sex with her client? well many people do jobs they don't enjoy to get paid and that's how sexworkers look at their jobs just another job they have the option of turning away a client they don't like or staying in bed (no pun intended) if they feel like not going into work. just like any other job. and given the fact that many prostitutes get clients who they enjoy being with, which is far better off then cleaning up vomit since you could never enjoy that under any circumstance. So I ask why is it bad? The reasons of why it's bad are not as black and white as the reasons to why cheating on a test is bad. That's the difference. It all depends on the person and their morals and beliefs with the exception of human traffiking any reason you give to why prostitution is wrong can very easily be refuted and argued against. Since it's almost always ruled by emotions, morals, ideals and pure ignorance. and these arguements can be shot down very easily
"Are you sure you aren't afraid of the truth because it would challenge your ideas about yourself and whether or not you are doing something wrong? What if going to a prostitute is a bad thing to do?"
Nope because I look at things from a very logical reasonable prespective. I don't let morals, emotions, or the way I think the way the world should work or how people should behave get in the way of things. I acknowledge that there is a side of sex industry in which there most be intervention. I simply believe rehabilitation, regulation, and education are far better options then just locking people up and hoping the problem will just disapear. If 2 adults are engaing in a transaction and neither of them is being there against their will then quite frankly what they do in there is not my problem any argument you fire at me. I will shoot down.
I remember learning about cognitive dissonance back in psychology courses. Once a person has actually done something like cheat on a test, it is much harder for them to believe that cheating on tests might be bad. They don't want to believe that they might be wrong.
Are you sure you aren't afraid of the truth because it would challenge your ideas about yourself and whether or not you are doing something wrong? What if going to a prostitute is a bad thing to do?
"these women operate on a completely different set of morals and principles so do the men who visit them"
Sounds like thats just a way to dehumanize the prostitutes who did not choose this lifestyle for the glamour and were probably forced into it through bad circumstances. They aren't different morally, they just have a different set of circumstances. But its hard to pay for sex from a prostitute you view as a real person.
Why do you assume that people only have moral and ethical values about sex because it was beaten into their heads? Or that wanting love with sex is a romantic delusion?
It's very interesting to hear a guy's perspective on hook-up culture. One thing I would add from a woman's point of view is that although most women can always find a guy willing to have casual sex, there's no guarantee that it will be good sex. There are also concerns about the experience overall being safe and just pleasant.
The thing is, if you have found that very few women are going to want to have casual sex, why are you so sure that it doesn't bother prostitutes? Just because they've agreed to take your money?
It's not always a delusion, but it often is. and men have gone through great lengths to entertain and humour those delusions in order to get sex. It's been like that for so long men are use to it.
Men have no problem seperating love from sex. There are women who can do this to but men have a much easier time then women do.
For men sex is more then just a drive, it's a need it's an apetite, an instinct, and a force that's so powerful most women underestimate it.
As for prostitutes not being bothered, I don't see why they should, If they choose that line of work and are being very well compensated for their time and services and they are in a safe clean environment why should they be bothered?
I have to ask have you ever worked as a prostitute? Have you spoken to many of them?? I worked for an escort agency as a driver and professional bodyguard for 3 years. In that time I've spoken to literally hundreds of these girls so I assure my opinion is much more informed then yours.
I completely agree with this article, being a sex worker in America. Most of the married men that come see me, tell me that there marriage is very important to them, but the only thing lacking is the sexual component.
One more comment!!! I am 50 y/o this year. I average going to a massage place once a month. I happen to like asian gals. They are very nice to me. They have a great attitude everytime I come in. I never see a sad place. Many of the women I give birthday cards to. They have husbands and are married, but no hang-ups on what they do. In Asia it is normal for men to come. None of the women have ever asked me to quit on my marriage and go with them. TO me it is just being with a nice woman for 2 hours and sharing conversation. I am actually happier when I get home to my wife and kids. I still love my wife more than ever. I did not cheat on her I feel. I did not like her sex any less, her body any less. Would marry my wife again and again. I actually tell her I go to the places. She is Chinese gal and she knows what I am doing and I am not leaving her.
I personally go to massage places. Why??? Relaxing, choose a sexy nice gal to chat to, no one is being forced, women are cool with their job, I here no complaints. After my happy ending with the gal, I go home. No divorcing or quitting the marriage. Just a different gal once in a while. I still love my wife very much and she is also still very sexy. it is nothing personal. I don't want an afair to hurt my wife or end my marriage. I actually give my wife better sex when we are together. I actually had the massage gal teach me ways to please my wife better. Stop beating everyone up over paying for a gal!!!
My close friend of mine who shall remain nameless...Chris, allegedly dated a stripper at a strip club. He insisted that she was his girlfriend and went there every weekend at her job to spend quality time together.
My friends and I used to laugh at him all the time when he mentioned that he had to pay for all his drinks and he bought her $100 bottles of wine for her. She was not his boyfriend, he was her personal ATM!
Several months later, he claimed to have broken it off with her. He didn't break it off, his empty wallet did.
much is made of marriage in this piece and how that drives men to buy sex. i wonder whether it differs for other relationships? ie for men who are single or dating?? do they seek out this kind of liberating sex?
The fact is that most men have a strong sexual appetite. This appetite can be completely satisfied by one woman, but sadly, most women forget this basic need, either in relationship or marriage, it is forgotten. Sex to me is just as necessary as food. A man can only starve so long, until nature takes over, and we go and find a solution. When dating, I now discuss sex, and recommend couples discuss sex, and make sure their partner is willing to fulfill this basic need. If not, find another mate. I blame the media, and hippocrates, for making sex so taboo. Monogamy and sexual restriction are moral values I personally don't adopt. Too often these personal values are put into law, instead of kept as personal values. I believe sex, and freedom of sex, should be personal and private matters, left to people, not media, courts, police and judges. Personal morales, that do not affect others freedom, should never be forced, or drafted into law.
I agree. A lady does not think like a man BUT she can still try make him happy.
He can also try to make her happy. We dont all need to c*m everytime!!
What about just doing somthing NICE for a person you care about?
Who cares if its a sex thing and we don't have to c*m everytime!
;-)