The Bad Girl's Breakup Rx
Breakup tips to ensure getting over an ex was never so much fun.
When I went through a devastating breakup from my long-term boyfriend, I expected my friends to humor my misery tolerantly. Anticipating endless evenings of red wine, revenge plans, and the occasional crank call, I was irked to find that my typically caustic friends had morphed into soulless Susie Sunshines, fonts of the kind of condescending self-help dictates I found both conventional and impossible to adhere to.
In my heartbroken state I yearned to do all the "wrong" things: exact brutal revenge, wallow in cynicism, and seek out meaningless shags. My concerned posse, on the other hand, suggested yoga, smiling from the inside, recording my feelings in a journal and going on platonic dates with young architects in Agnes B suits. Ignoring their advice, I chose the alternate route.
And I can now proudly affirm that I am now purged through bad behavior.
Without further ado, my rulebook for the self-destructive and newly single:
1. Drink a lot
Aside from lowering inhibitions (see number 2) and providing a few memorable evenings that don't end with you sobbing over old photographs, drinking can help with excessive talking. I discussed my heartbreak over cocktails so incessantly that, after a couple weeks, even I was utterly bored with it. Think of it as therapy with a hangover. In the appropriate setting, drugs could also take the edge off; if I still lived in Northern California I might have gone up to Humboldt and taken mushrooms while playing bongos with a dreadlocked man named Leaf.
2. Sleep with other guys
If you follow instruction number one, you will find yourself at bars surrounded by the very young architects that you should have been chastely nibbling on salmon with. This is a good thing. You are not ready for another failed relationship; you are ready for distracting, self-confidence-boosting, mindless sex. Why not? You know your ex is doing it. When I first broke up with my boyfriend, I thought I would never be able to sleep with someone else. I didn't—for about six days. And then I met Nicolo: Italian, hairless, and in possession of a conveniently speedy little Vespa. It's one thing for your maiden aunt to insist that there are "other fish in the sea." It's quite another to dive in, and without abandon. Don't be afraid of sharks.
3. Develop a shopping addiction
This is the part where I'm supposed to talk about the soothing benefits of chocolate and lasagna—well it ain't gonna happen. At the risk of sounding like a skinny bitch, donuts may ease the pain, but they will also make you unhealthy and dumpy, which will not help with the Nicolos of this world. But there is another, more empowering addiction, and one that will get you out of the house: shopping. In the weeks after my breakup I maxed out my credit card on endless booty: Chloé wedges, Jo Malone perfume, Calvin Klein underwear. You feel hot, and you want to take your new shoes out for a spin, which is an excellent anti-moping device. And unlike your ex, Miu Miu will never reject you (until your credit line is extinguished, at which point I would refer you to lessons one and two…).
Discussion
I have been following this strategy for a month...its helped my sanity- haven't done the stalkery things or multiple phone calls...but unfortunately it has made me realize I can't blame the breakup on him solely and that I still want to try.... So now the sobering up part begins.
This was very funny, and a refreshing contrast to the feel-good advice about getting over a relationship. And to you ladies tempted to purchase a "Get Your Ex Back" product, please read my post on it: http://www.relationshipbreakup101.com/2009/08/get-your-ex-back-products-...
Remember: Marketers know that you're feeling desperate and vulnerable, which is why there are so many of these products out there.
After he left me it took me two yrs. to realize that he didn't wanted me After he left he used to come to "visit " spend the night or a few days I thought was because he loved me ..no it was because he didn't have a bed partner fo that wk .I divorced him and found a great guy who treated me with love and respect .Do not damage your property, put in the trash all his belongings asap while you're angry If you were to call him wait for a few days to inform him that his belongings are now property of the city dump.Get on a dating service and start meeting guys ; you might not find a date right away but the hunting is fun. Do not cling to a guy that has opted for leaving you.Do not waste part of your precious life chasing after what is not worth having. Also don't damage your health by getting drunk or...for the man ,noone is worth you losing your health for them.Be proud of yourself and enjoy being a woman. He's the loser.
hey i always say the best way to get over a man is to get over a man.
So let's take inventory here:
1. Drink a lot, becoming a babbling and incoherent idiot to anyone watching you, sucking down all those carbs (they don't call it a "beer" belly for nothing) while simultaneously decrying chocolate, lasagna, and donuts because they'll make one "dumpy".
2. Sleep with other guys - fair enough.
3. Completely ruin your credit by jacking up your debt-to-credit ratio in a frenzy of butthurt entitlement spending that, unless you're already quite well-off, you can't afford.
4. Humiliate and debase yourself in front of this person, letting him know the extent of his power over you, and giving him plenty of material to vent to his friends about "the crazy bitch I just broke up with". There is no mystique to someone you've spent that much time with; you just want to assure yourself he's miserable without you. You know what's easier than forcing contact on him? Assumption. Go about your business, sleep with other guys, and assume that his life's gone down the s*****r since he left you. If you were someone worthwhile, chances are, it has because his decision-making skills suck.
5. Destroy stuff - fair enough. Just, you know, don't destroy anything of SOME worth. I mean, he might've bought me a plasma screen TV, thus giving me an impetus to destroy it, but why put myself out just to get back at him?
So, two out of five? Meh. Someone's coping skills need work.
Six and 1/2 years ago I came home from work, fed the cats, got some wine, sat down to read the mail, watch the news, etc. Mindless after work unwinding stuff. By 8:30 I realized my husband of 20 years had not come home. I called him on his cell to ask him if he wanted me to start dinner since he always cooked. No answer. Around 9:30 I went into the bedroom. When I turned on the light I was horrified. The room was destroyed. Coat hangers were hanging from the ceiling fan; empty boxes were all over the place, photos and paintings were missing from the walls, AND all his clothes were gone as well as all personal stuff. Bottom line: He had left me and he had left NO note. Nothing. Yes, we obviously had been having problems, but we had decided we did not want to divorce and were going to go to counseling.
I managed to get thru 2 more days of work in a zombie state. But woke up at 4 am on Saturday morning in an absolute RAGE. I put on Roberta Flack, got some coffee and sat on the couch in an unbelievable snit. Then I picked up an ashtray and threw it all the way across the living room past the dining area and it smashed into my plantation blinds breaking 5 slats. I sat there and thought that looked a little uneven, so I threw a heavy vase at the other blind, breaking 6 slats. That looked better. Then at 5:00 am I went to the supermarket and got every box I could find. I came home and turned Roberta Flack to full volume, and started ripping everything off the walls, floors, and even the backyard that we had ever bought together. And every photo except one. Our wedding photo. I kept it because I had looked so happy and beautiful in it. I actually kept it because it was a good photo of ME. And during this whole rampage which lasted the whole day, I wailed, cried, sobbed, screamed, etc. My poor cats were cowering in various corners terrified at my behavior. Then I packed up 21 boxes and threw the whole mess outside in front of the garage, leaving me room to squeeze my car out. I called and left a message (he still would not pick up) that if he wanted his stuff, it was outside for him. It stayed there a few days and one day while I was at work, he picked it up. I filed for divorce 2 months later, totally uncontested. He didn't even bother to get a lawyer. Mailed the signed papers in. That was a long time ago and I saw him once briefly for 15 mins. when he came to see his 1 year old granddaughter whom he had not seen. And that was after 3 years of not seeing him at all. I have tried dating some very nice men, but I cannot fall in love with anyone. In my heart, I guess that love finished me off. I feel broken somehow. My heart maybe? I have not healed. But I have never tried to contact him in any way. He has called randomly over the years to inquire about our grown children and grandchildren. I am always polite and informative. That's it.
Wow. This is the most amazing story. I am so sorry to hear he treated you like that. Even though I don't know you, I am so proud of how you reacted. You took care of yourself and have remained civil in front of your children. I don't know if I could have remained polite or even human in front of someone who treated me like that.
I think you can find love again maybe it will just take more time. I don't know if you can get over 20 years quickly, even if the marriage had ended on better terms.
Why does he have to ask you anything about his grown kids? They're grown. Why can't he call them himself? Oh! I know, they're not talking to him. If he wanted to keep in touch with his children he would have stayed married to their mother. I wouldn't talk to him about anything. The green grass on the other side probably turned out to be weeds, and I bet he's testing waters to see if he can return.
I've shopped, destroyed his things and i've been drunk for three months. I'm still not over it so i'm going to try mindless sex and see if that will help me get over the bastard.
Excellent! That has always helped me in the past. Sex with a long time guy friend of mine always helps me lick my wounds and move on. Heheh!
THANK YOU for your honesty. I am in the verge of breaking up with my 7 yr boyfriend. the few friends i have are so tired of our stories, so i don't expect nights of wine and "it's ok cry and get it out" sessions from them. i appreciate your candor and letting the world know that it's ok to be a little self destructive without going over the deep end! i TOTALLY appreciate having random but safe sex. break s**t. shop. thank you thank you thank you sister for not writing the same BS that the magazines do.
