Break the Dating Rules—And Win!
One author finds that listening to herself—instead of the dating rules—pays off.
Having been thoroughly indoctrinated by those girl-power dating books—The Rules, He's Just Not That Into You, and, most recently, The List—I am fairly cutthroat about dating lulls. You know: you go out with someone a couple of times and then … nothing. Sometimes it's eternal—you never hear from him again. Sometimes it's the more intense pain of a short-term silence, which finds you incessantly checking your voicemail, your email, your text messages. Girl-power daters have been taught to give such situations not so much as a backward glance. Move on with your head high, and someone better will come along. In fact, here comes someone now. Read: The Best First-Date Advice Book You'll Ever Read
In theory, this works quite well. I definitely want a relationship in which I know for certain that he's digging me. I don't want to be a pathetic man-chaser. I have dignity. But late last year I experienced a crisis of faith—in the rules, that is.
I'd gone on a Sunday-afternoon first date. We had lunch, did a little shopping, and walked my dog. He chivalrously carried my Christmas tree home from the store, even though he had a pretty bad cold. In short, it was a success. We hugged goodbye.
The next day, he sent an email thanking me for a great time. (Oh my! Could I have stumbled onto a List guy?) I reciprocated, going so far as to say our date was "wonderful," because by then I was feeling slightly guilty for letting him schlep my tree home when he could barely breathe. So far, so good. I assumed we'd go out again, probably the next weekend.Read: Get Guys Begging For A Second Date: Here's How
Then it happened: nothing.
Four days of nothing. I was baffled. And because we'd met online, I had no way to check out what his story might be. Should I figure that he'd met someone else? That I'd misread his initial enthusiasm? That he'd died of pneumonia? I could have gone on like this for days. (And sometimes have.) Quiz: Find Out Why He Didn't Call You Back
I asked a few friends what they do in this kind of situation, and got these responses:
- "I do something that makes me feel great about myself—get a facial, climb a mountain, talk to my best friend, buy a hot dress."
- "I go out with other guys. It reminds me there are other fish in the sea."
- "I focus more on whether I like the guy or not, versus whether the guy likes me or not. When I was younger, I spent so much time wondering if the guy was interested that I never really put much thought into whether he was a good match for me. Nowadays, I am a much better reader of whether we're a good fit, so I spend a lot less time wondering if he is going to call."
- "I call my ex-fiancé and meet him for a drink. It makes me feel attractive again and I'm out of the house."
Discussion
If you didn't put out, he won't call back. Simple. Guys aren't dating you to hear you talk. If they want to hear annoying sounds, they can turn on the tv:
Also, no man wants to date a gold digging bitch. If you can't pay your own way, you are a freeloading leech. That's a total turn off to a man: http://www.scribd.com/doc/21733512/Principles-101
Women who say they are "independent" and yet expect a man to pay for them are f*****g idiots. They have no idea what the word independent even means. If you are a gold digging slut who only dates for money, you don't deserve any respect. A guy should drop a load on your face if possible and then toss you back in the dumpster where you belong.
I just am perplexed at why the dating scene is based so much on guessing. What happened to being blunt? If your not interested, it's only fair (to you and the other person) to say so. Why waste either person's time? And why is it such a grand thing that she finally grew balls and emailed him asking?? I really can't grasp how people can spend so much time/energy waiting and hoping, versus standing up and taking charge?
The approach that is perceived is that if you follow the rules of society, then as a whole, you will get what our grandparents and parents got:: the altruistic side of men, the divorce -less generation(or if divorced, it was severely shunned upon) and the overall, contentness of being able to live again, and date other people.
Nowa days, you get the liars, and cheaters, and the smooth-talkers.
My advice, is if you play by the rules: keep it that way, if you venture out, go hard or go home
I like this approach. Yet he still could have called to check if something went wrong on her end. That would have been the really chivalrous thing to do. Unfortunately we all live in a world where male perpetrated abuse of women is a profoundly serious problem (even subtle psychological abuse), and unfortunately even good guys have to pick up the slack with being extra considerate to prove their intentions. That is what male chivalry is. I would add that it is wise to beware of guys who play games or who may act very subtly abusive. Psychological abuse often includes charming in wonderful ways, then pulling back until the other person comes to them or "checks in" . People can say they never got an email, and that is understandable, but be on the look out for patterns of charming then pulling back to get the other to chase. It can be a profoundly destructive game and can lead a person down a path to a dangerous place of being abused, where one feels like their life and soul is near destruction. It can happen to even the most confident person. It can happen very slowly..............An analogy is: It's like if you take a frog and put it in boiling water, it will jump out to save itself, but if you put it in cool water then boil the pot slowly the frog dies.
Do the Rules, and you'll find a guy who not only can charm, but who would not let a simple possible miss-connection get in the way of getting to know someone he really thinks is special.
I know this from experience. I had the most amazing and wonderful man who did the whole Christmas tree thing and wrote many love letters, asked me to marry him, etc... etc... etc.. Rulsey for sure, then slowly he got me hooked by what a "wonderful guy" he was, slowly to share vulnerability, then he started to pull back just in tiny ways, and got me to come to him "wondering" what happened. It started with small missconnections, then led to bigger ones. Then he showed a profoundly abusive side. It was like two completely different people living in one body. It was like thinking you are with the love of your life, the realizing your looking into the eyes of evil.
What I've learned from experience......It's good to be yourself for sure, good to show your strong side but in a warm and light way ( I like the direct approach of the questionare email). Sometimes throw the whole passive light and breezy thing out the window, and be direct. Most men will respect that.
